'Tis the Season to be Venting

I adore Christmas. Don't get me wrong, it's my favorite time of the year. This year, however, has been filled with more ups and downs, loop-de-loops and swerves than a top notch roller coaster. I was having a tremendous day, filled with dad's spirit and tons of happiness. That is until dad's friend, Erik came around. As usual, he told the typical tales of Spike and his typical 'in the box' lifestyle. He began to tell me about 4 funerals he had been to. This story was a repeat of one he had told before and it wasn't at all appropriate considering the festive mood I had worked so hard to put together. I told him not to even go there, but he told the tale not once but twice. This man has an engineering degree and still hasn't the common sense to know when a story is appropriate and when it isn't. Not only that but he was going on and on about his sister's health issues which he always brings up in conversation. He has the same mode he always shifts into, no matter what. It is the old 'stick with what is comfortable' routine. He's an old bachelor and hates being jostled out of what's familiar all due to the fact that it involves risk. I once had told him 'life is risk' and that went over like a lead balloon.

This will be my first Christmas sans papa. Mama is also in heaven with him and I was close with both my parents. After what Erik had spoken of, however, it hit me rather hard. I also watched Miracle in Cell No. 7 and it only hurt my heart worse. I didn't think my heart could ache this much and long for my dad's encouraging words, or his bear hugs, or the reassuring voice that I'm going to be alright even though I have no job currently. I am doing my best to be optimistic but somehow, the tears keep coming. Surprisingly, I thought my lacrimal glands would dry out but I can't stop crying. I really wanted a Christmas miracle this year. I was hopeful that it might happen. It never came. I don't doubt God and I know everything happens for a reason but there are days I wish I had a switch and could simply turn off my emotion. I look tough on the outside. It is true, I am stout, stalwart and robust. Faith has carried me through many things and I wonder why I didn't receive my Christmas miracle. I know God has a reason for everything, but it hurts even more. I guess I'm just being selfish. Somehow I know all the tears I have shed this holiday will lead to laughing and dancing but I suppose into every life a little rain must fall.

I will end my rant with a positive thought. I am working on bettering myself and doing the most good with my talents. Eventually, everything will order itself into place. After all, the New Year heralds renewal, so what better time to exert my power of positivity !