Self-ish

Synopsis: A comedy about two self-serving jaded people who have a chance meeting at the local skating rink. They literally bump into each other.

~*~CAST~*~

Ernest Della Nova:

Mauro Della Nova: (Ernest's dad)

Lois Della Nova: (Ernest's mom)

Gino Della Nova: (Ernest's younger bro)

Francine 'Frankie' Hollis:

Delanie Della Nova: (their daughter)

Tiffany Hollis: (Frankie's mom)

Dexter Hollis: (Frankie's dad)

Devry Burgeon: (Ernest's gold digging ex)

'Mumsie' Chrysanthemum Burgeon:

'Dadsie' Dudley Burgeon:

Loni Belquist: (Frankie's former friend)

Haverty Delany: (Loni's cousin)

Ronaldo 'Ronny' Gomez: (Loni's love interest, but also dating Frankie)

Scene 1—Let Me Disconnect Momentarily

We see a young woman jogging in a large inner city environment. She seems sterile, aloof, awash in the crowd, but apathetic to anything. It is almost as if she wants to be invisible.

Frankie: (narrating) Oh, sure. Once there was a time when I was perfectly happy with the world. I was carefree, flitting about, your typical social butterfly. There wasn't a party I didn't attend. I wasn't the wino or alcoholic type. I came for the camaraderie, food and excellent music.

(Flashback)

('Cresendolls' plays in the background)

Loni: Frankie, isn't this the bomb ? I got my cousin, Haverty to throw the tunes for us tonight.

Frankie: He's really good ! I'd go so far to say, he's killin' it tonight !

(The music fades and 'High Life' plays.)

Frankie: Aw, yeah ! This is my jam ! (starts dancing ecstatically, but her movements are smooth, graceful and precise.)

Loni: I brought someone along. I hope you don't mind. (motions Ronaldo to come over) Meet Ron ! Isn't he just a dream !

Frankie: (disgusted and irate) I know him. A word, Ronaldo.

(takes him aside, by the ear)

Ronaldo: Hey, OW, that hurts !

Frankie: What hurts is you're dating my best friend ! We were dating too ! We're supposed to be exclusive.

Ronaldo: (a bit nervously) About that, I wanted to talk to you. What are your thoughts on an open relationship ?

Frankie: I can't believe you. You're a pimp. A glorified, two-bit, two-timing whore of a man.

('Superheroes' plays in the background.)

Ronaldo: I thought you would be more yielding to this proposition.

Frankie: As far as I can see, Loni is the one who has been more 'yielding'. Screw this. I'm gone.

(Back to present day. 'Nightvision' plays while Frankie goes about her daily routine. Later on, she goes to the skating rink to take her mind off all the disappointment she has been feeling. 'The Greatest' plays in the background.)

Scene 2—No Need to Ruin A Perfectly Sane Life

Frankie: (narrating) It was because of that bitch, Loni, that I didn't have many friends in my life. I did, yes, but they were few and far between. I kept to myself mostly. When I had flashbacks of her backstabbing ways, I came to Area 51, a local skating rink. All my troubles seemed to vanish on the linoleum floor. And yes, I would strut my stuff to 'Moves Like Jagger' and have no regrets or cares about showing off. I looked good. I felt good. To hell about what everyone else thought.

(She bumps into Ernest.)

Ernest: Hey ! Watch where you're goin, you klutz !

Frankie: At least I know how to skate. Where did you learn, an orphanage ?

Ernest: (sarcastic laugh) Is that supposed to be a burn because frankly, it didn't even sting.

Frankie: You're blocking my pathway.

Ernest: Well you're blocking mine. Move it, lady.

Frankie: The name's Francine, if you must know. Jeez, the nerve of some people.

Ernest: If this is the way you are around people, it's no wonder you're bitter, sad, and alone.

Frankie: (fake commits Hari Kiri) Oh, wounded ! I am fatally stricken, smitten, defeated. Ow, the pain. The hurting ! Oyyyyyyy !

Ernest: (rolls eyes) Just get out of my way.

Frankie: No need to ruin a perfectly sane life, whoever you are.

Ernest: Ernest. Ernie for short. Now (a bit insistently and with some anger) move, would ya ?

(he tries to skate around her and they can't seem to find a middle ground. Finally she skates around him and harrumphs along the way. He just shakes his head.) The nerve. The unmitigated nerve.

Frankie: (narrating) One might think 'Ah, that's the end of it. Fade to black, roll credits, cue the music. Movie's over, go home, you schmucks. No refunds.' Wouldn't you know it, life had something more interesting in mind for me.

Scene 3—To Market, To Market

(Many Days Later...Appears on screen.)

Tiffany: Hello, darling ! Fancy seeing you here. We were just wondering if you could head to the store and stock up for us back at home.

Frankie: You do realize that I am getting ready to move into my own place soon ? You're going to have to get your own groceries for a while.

Dexter: That's our little lump of sweetness and light, peaches and cream. Brew it up and you have a latte to handle.

Frankie: (unamused) Oh ho, how droll, papa. So funny I forgot to laugh.

Dexter: Lighten up ! What is with you these past days ?

Frankie: (a bit sorry for her reaction) I've been stressed out. Finding a home hasn't been easy.

Tiffany: I know. We were more than happy when you decided to live with us for a while while you continued your search.

Frankie: (a bit guiltily) I realize. I just don't want to impose.

(They both hug her.)

Dexter: Oh, hun. How could you ever impose ? We love you !

Tiffany: (kisses her cheek) The list isn't that long. Just a few things to stock up. I'm thinking of making taco salad tonight.

Frankie: (eagerly) Loaded with all the fixins ?

Dexter: That's the one, our beloved's best and most requested recipe.

Frankie: I'll get right on that then.

(She heads to the store, 'Come With Me' plays in the background. All of a sudden, she accidentally bumps into Ernie.)

Frankie: (irritated) We need to stop meeting like this.

Ernie: Likewise. The pleasure isn't mine.

Frankie: Why are you so angry ? I've done nothing to illicit your rage.

Ernie: No, you haven't. If you must know. I'm a wounded man.

Frankie: (beginning to understand) Aren't we all in some way. I'll unload my baggage if you unload yours. But maybe not here, in such a public place. I'll tell you what.

Ernie: Make it worth my while and we've got a deal, Frankie.

Frankie: (rolls eyes) Fine. Local roller rink, where we met. We lay our burdens down. This weekend, 6:00 sharp. Be there or be obtuse.

Ernie: I'm already obtuse (laughs). Only you would really get that though. Seems our angles are converging. (he allows himself a slight smile)

Frankie; Careful, Ernie. You'll break your face if you do that too much !

Ernie: Careful, Frankie. I'm starting to actually like you.

Frankie: (mocking) Da horror ! DA HORROR !

(Scene fade)

Scene 4—Working For the Weekend

Frankie: (narrating, and getting ready to go to 'Rollercoaster' on the radio, singing along) Don't ask me why I'm so overjoyed to be heading to my favorite place to decompress. It's my zen, my palace to unwind and release my inner child. I realized I was allowing possible negativity into my life by inviting Ernest, but something told me, he needed catharsis. All he wanted was a listening ear. I was there to listen.

('Good Times' plays in the background.)

Ernest: I didn't think you'd come. (a bit shyly at first with a slight blush) You look really good.

Frankie: Thanks ! (smiles in spite of herself) So, you said you had a confession. Go on, I'll hear it while we groove to this outstanding disco music.

Ernest: (breathes in and out, and is so precise in his movement it nearly takes her breath away. He moves more like an ice skater than anything, even going backward without even thinking of it.) Her name was DeVry.

(Flashback)

Devry: Mumsie, Dadsie, I want to introduce to you, Ernest.

Mumsie: He certainly is more handsome than the last man you dated.

Devry: Mum ! Really ! Don't shame me. (mutters to her, in a whisper) Not in front of my potential husband to be.

Dadsie: So, what do you do, Ernest ?

Ernest: I make an honest living repairing cars. I went to school for an engineering degree. Frankly I wanted to work on a nuclear submarine but it never came to pass. Good thing, (nervous laugh) I'm slightly claustrophobic.

Dadsie: (whispers) A mechanic ? (finally loses his cool) DeVry, you said this man owned shares ! That he was CEO of his company.

Ernest: I am the owner of my own company. My father had it before me.

Mum: If you marry this man, it'll sully our family name forever. No one will ever look at us the same.

Ernest: If I may be so bold, I love DeVry but not because of her status or wealth. She's a beautiful woman... I've fallen for her heart !

DeVry: Then you don't know me very well, Ernest. I'm sorry but the engagement is off. Please, take your ring back.

Ernest: (in a state of shock, feeling tears sting his eye and ire rise in his heart) Please, reconsider. I'll be a faithful husband. You're the only gal for me.

DeVry: I should've seen it long ago. Ernie, we're from two different worlds. It'll never work out.

Dadsie: I think it's best you left.

Mumsie: I can show you the door.

Ernest: No, no. Please. Give me a chance.

Dadsie: What part of NO don't you understand ?

Mumsie: (opening the door) Spare yourself any further embarrassment.

Ernest: Fine. You don't want me, I'll find someone who does.

(To the present day, 'Slipping Away' plays in the background)

Frankie: (actually reaches out to hold his hand) I'm...so sorry. We've both had really screwed up love lives.

Ernest: (laughs heartily) Yours isn't worse than mine !

Frankie: No, but my boyfriend was two-timing me.

Ernest; (hand over heart) Ow. That's rough. (looks at her) Hey, holding your hand, it's actually kinda nice.

Frankie: (smiles softly but then has a huge, goofy grin on her face) Hey, it is. Isn't it ?

Ernest: You're prettier when you smile, you know.

Frankie: Oh, stop. You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Ernest: No. I'm not. I should've known that the moment I first met you, I'd wind up falling for you.

Frankie: (stops in her tracks) Really ? You mean that ?

Ernest: My name isn't Ernest just for giggles, you know.

Frankie: (chuckling) Same here. I'm frank to a point.

Ernest: (clasping her hand lovingly) We have a lot more in common than we thought.

Frankie: That we do. (imitating Humphrey Bogart) Frankie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. (They skate around each other, 'Something in the Air' plays in the background.) (narrating) It starts. You think you know yourself. Before you know it, you fall in love with the guy who was driving you bonkers. Then you question yourself, how could I have missed this wonderful guy ? Life is funny that way.

(Scene shift)

Scene 5—Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Ernest: (at work, drumming his fingers) Wonder what Frankie's up to. I'm going to give her a call. (calls her at lunch)

Frankie: (answering phone) Ahoy.

Ernest: (laughs) Only you would answer the phone that way. You and Alexander Graham Bell !

Frankie: Smart alek. So, how's work ?

Ernest: No complaints. What are you doing afterward ?

Frankie: Nothing much in particular. Got something in mind ?

Ernest: A walk on the beach.

Frankie: That's rather spontaneous. Why there ?

Ernest: I haven't been to the beach in such a long time. Was thinking you and I could go for a swim.

Frankie: Sounds ideal. When should I meet you ?

Ernest: After work. I'll have a picnic whipped up so don't worry about getting anything to eat. I'll provide everything, even wine.

Frankie: Woo hoo, fancy. I do declare.

Ernest: See you after work then, my dearest friend.

Frankie: (narrating) I wasn't expecting much, but Ernest went beyond my wildest dreams. He brought me flowers and even had my favorite wine on ice. He had brought out the best in me. I hadn't been this happy in a long time, so I jumped in, head first, to a new relationship, and never once looked back.

(At The Beach the title reads. Our couple is beneath a sky of stars, and in fact, that is the very song that plays, accentuating the extraordinarily romantic mood of the evening.)

Frankie: Jeez, Louise. You really went all out.

Ernest: I wanted to make a good impression. Let me spoil you a bit. That is, if you don't mind.

Frankie: Mind ? No ! Spoil away !

(They laugh, and his hand lands atop her's)

Ernest: Would I be wrong in telling you I love you ?

Frankie: We've barely been out that often. Are you sure ?

Ernest: (points at himself) Look at this face. Gaze into these eyes. Are these the eyes of a liar ?

Frankie: No. Not at all. You've proven yourself more than once to me. (leans forward)

Ernest: What are you doing ? Something in my teeth ?

Frankie: Silly Ernie. (closes her eyes and kisses him)

('Kiss Me' plays in the background.)

Frankie: And so it goes. We had more dates together, and inevitably, I asked Ernie to be my husband. He uninhibitedly said 'yes'. Our life had become selfless. Little Delanie had taken center stage in our life. Luckily with our combined income we made a better world for her. We had no idea what she would be or what she would become, but she wouldn't be alone. We had a cat, Debussy and a dog, Mozart. We didn't know Debussy was female, and she had a litter of adorable little kittens. We got her spayed quickly after, but the kittens sold like hotcakes and we kept an extra, naming him Chopin. We never expected to become pregnant again, but we did, much to our surprise. Our second child was a boy, named Mauro after Ernie's pop. The whole family always visited us, especially during the busier time of the year. No one minded to baby sit Delanie and Mauro, though the two were perfectly well behaved, most of the time. Kids being kids, they were curious and rarely if ever got into any sort of mess. There were days they challenged us, but we only disciplined them if the situation warranted it. We were their parents first and their friends secondarily. We didn't mind being their friends, though, because everyone deserves friends in a sometimes cruel, cold and calculating world. It's funny though, how out of the sometimes unfeeling world, faith in humanity is restored through the simple, unconditional act of love with no boundaries or restraints. We literally bumped into each other, our destinies intertwined. Elegant, simplistic, complex, and beautiful, our lives continue to unfold. Like a lotus, it never ends, it only grows more glorious and ethereal in time.

(In the end, we can see the entire family at a water park having a ton of fun. They are dancing to 'Get Lucky', 'Moves Like Jagger', 'Shut Up and Dance With Me' as well as 'Flip Fantasia'. Bloopers roll and some behind the scenes moments are shown as well. This just proves that love can and will find a way; it is an ultimate good.)