For Whom the Bell Tolls

Synopsis: Thrill-seeker Duke Bombast has spent his entire life waiting for the next rush, the next high, all whilst dodging death. One of his stunts in his latest films leads to him falling into a coma. His wife, Rita, as well as his really remarkable children, Dallas and Montgomery, sign a living will to keep him alive, not knowing that he is, technically still alive, according to his brain waves. While in limbo, Duke makes friends with Death and wonders if he and his family can be incorporated as Reapers, scaling back the stereotype and stigma on death as a whole.

~*~CAST~*~

Duke Bombast:

Dolores Bombast: (his mom)

Dillon Bombast: (his dad)

Rita Bombast: (Duke's wife/friend)

Dallas Bombast: (eldest son)

Montgomery 'Monty' Bombast: (soon to be born)

Death:

Aloha Shirt Yasser Hadessa:

Blondie Xi Fun:

Norton the Pilot:

Doctor Joseph Fine:

Nurse Cleo Bernadette:

Producer Cosmo Tulane:

Orchid Linquist/Bombast: (Dallas' wife)

Crowd Goer #1:

Crowd Goer #2:

“You get what everyone else gets, a lifetime.”--Death, Neil Gaiman's Sandman

'Seasons don't fear the reaper, nor the wind, the sun or the rain. We can be like they are. Come on baby, baby take my hand, we'll be able to fly, baby I'm your man.'--Lyrics to Don't Fear the Reaper, as sung by Blue Oyster Cult (I gotta fever, and the only cure...is more COWBELL !)

'What is life without taking a chance or two along the way.'--Victoria, 'My Christmas Dream'

Scene 1—A Real Life Hardcore Henry

Pilot: Are you ready, Duke ? This is a pretty hellish storm. You could die.

Duke: I'm aware of that, Norton. Just promise me one thing.

Norton: Anything, my friend.

Duke: Should something happen to me, take care of my family.

Norton: You are an incredible, beautiful human being, Duke. Godspeed to you.

Duke: (thumbs up) See you on the other side !

(Of course, the song we've all been expecting, 'People Keep on Loving' plays, the remix, not the original as Duke skydives and lands, much to the relief of his family, watching below.)

Rita: I wish you wouldn't take such risks, even on your days off.

Duke: Rita, darling, baby, honey, lamb ! It's what I do. It's how I get paid ! It's why we have so many nice things.

Delores: We're just glad you're back on the ground with us.

Dillon: Yet we know you're just going to do it all over again tomorrow.

Duke: That's what I wanted to tell you guys about ! Come on, I'm feeling rather celebratory today.

(They follow him to his Mercedes, and he takes them all out to eat.)

Dallas: Rigoletto's ? Dad, you're the best !

Duke: Knew you'd be delighted. So, tomorrow begins my latest film, Raging Bullet. I play the part of Aaron Durstrang, a CIA agent gone rouge.

Delores: Duke, do you really think you should take this role ?

Duke: Ma, come on ! I've taken on plenty roles far more dangerous than this.

Dillon: You said that about your last 6 films, son.

Rita: (takes his hand and squeezes it) I have a premonition. This doesn't feel right, my sweet. Please, reconsider. It's not too late to retire, especially since you have a skyrocketing book series.

Duke: You mean the 'James Grappler' series ? (bragging) #1 New York Times Best Seller 10 times in a row, running. Although satisfying, it doesn't grant me the adrenaline rush, the thrill, the buzz that I seek.

Dillon: We knew it was wrong to talk you out of Raging Bullet.

Duke: All of you worry way too much ! I have so many more stunts in this film ! It's what I've always wanted. Why can't you be happy for me ?

Rita: (kissing his cheek) It's because we worry. It's like you don't even realize you're playing with death, flirting with it.

Duke: (Savoring a sip of wine, and sighing peacefully) Just relax, guys ! Take a deep breath ! (sings) Don't worry, about a ting. Every little ting gonna be alright. Jah love, bra !

(They laugh)

Dillon: I think this calls for a toast.

Delores: Here here ! May Raging Bullet be a mega blockbuster, a massive success that'll be spoken of for years to come !

Rita: Amen ! (they all clink their glasses together) May it bring you yet another well-deserved Oscar !

(Everyone concurs. 'The Best of My Love' plays on the jukebox and Duke offers his hand to his spellbinding wife. The rest of the family gets up to join him and then the scene fades.)

Scene 2—Life Flashing In Front of His Eyes

(We see a splendid panorama unfolding on screen and the director is about to shoot the big motorcycle stunt scene.)

Cosmo: Alright, Duke. Get ready to get into character. I'm rolling the scene this time, no cuts. So far, everything has gone well, but we still have some glitches to work out.

Duke: (nodding) Sure, Cosmo. We'll nail it this time.

Cosmo: I'll give you a 10 count to prepare. (Starts counting down from 10 but once he reaches 4, he only mouths the numbers)

Duke: (doing tremendously well up until he starts to turn a curb. He can't correct himself in time and hits a wall, hard.)

Cosmo: Cut ! Cut ! Edit that out ! Oh, no...Oh, God. Duke ! (rushes over to him, dialing 911) Yes, yes. There's been an accident. I can't see much due to the fire. Duke, please. Please for the love of God be fine.

(Duke is completely unconscious. He has a flashback of his wedding, but then realizes he is holding Death's hand.)

Death: (flattered) Aw, I didn't know you felt that way ! How adorable !

Duke: (scared) Ahhh ! Wait ! Who are you ?

Death: You mean you don't know ? Oh, right. You've evaded me for a long, long time, Duke Bombast. Thing is, you're going to limbo for a while. You're not really dead.

Duke: So...what's happening now ?

Death: You're being taken to a hospital, hooked up to life support. Everything is functional and functioning but you're in an induced coma.

Duke: That still means I can die.

Death: Technically, yes, but your family is hoping, praying for a miracle. As far as I can see, you're quite the fighter. I guess you and I are going to be stuck together for a while. (gives a bit of a devilish grin) It's gonna be fun in limbo.

Duke: I don't know. I haven't heard very many pleasant things about Purgatory.

Death: The religions don't really have a clue when it comes to the afterlife. Purgatory is like a waiting room. Nothing bad can happen to you, but you wait until your number is read.

Duke: (searches in his pocket and a DMV number appears on it, holographic in nature) Wooooooo, this number is lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng.

Death: More fun to be had by myself and the other guests.

Duke: Guests ?

Death: I prefer to call them that instead of 'purgites' or 'limboites', or deaddites. The last one I could get sued for. So, I leave that be. 'Guests' makes more sense. Like tenants in an apartment, or duplex, or any other living arrangement, these boarders only stay until their souls are welcomed to heaven.

Duke: So, are you saying souls can go to hell too ?

Death: People in Purgatory never go to hell. If a soul is evil, it just goes through the left, dark door after death to be reborn, only to live another dismal existence. A black entity has a miserable existence. Grey ones, though, they can choose light or dark.

Duke: So, doing good has gotten me here.

Death: Yeah, and you're really cool. I mean, I'm your biggest fan. (makes a photo of Duke appear with a sparkly dark Sharpie, poised to sign the glossy for him)

Duke: I don't know if I should be flattered or horrified. But, you know what, you've got good taste. I'll sign that. (signs)

Death: You rock, Duke. (The picture rolls up into a scroll, disappears into a point of light, and the pen vanishes the same way as well)

(Scene shift)

Scene 3—The Grand Tour of Limbo

Death: Welcome to Limbo.

Duke: This place is like a party. Everyone looks so happy. Why have I heard so much bad press about Limbo ?

Death: (giggles) Oh, you humans. One little legend becomes fact but you can't believe everything you read and hear. You think you would've learned that from the advent of the Internet. (belly laugh) I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so critical.

Duke: You're immortal. You have no connection to us, laugh away. Honestly, I think it's sort of amusing myself. I have never understood religion and dogma. I think spirit and science united give a deeper meaning to everything we know and things we are groping to try and know.

Death: I like the way you think. (pats his back) I want you to meet some of my friends. This colorful fellow is Yasser Hadassa. We call him 'Aloha' for good reason.

Yasser: Hey, Duke ! Good to have you in Limbo ! Welcome aboard !

Blondie: Who is this hunk of good looking multiplied with a side of wowza yummy yum yum ?

Death: That's Blondie. You can probably guess what her previous job was.

Duke: Blondie, I'm a married man. (shows off ring)

Blondie: Doesn't mean a thing on the other side. We know how to party in Limbo, if you get my meaning. (winks amorously)

Duke: (narrating) It was off the HOOK in Limbo. It was like Amsterdam, only without all the rampant STDs. Being an honest and true sort, I steered clear of all the temptations that were offered me in Limbo. I made the unlikeliest of alliances with Death, who, contrary to popular belief is actually a really chill dude. He may look like he stepped out of Alice Cooper's makeup room but he is so unbelievably cool.

(Scene shift )

Scene 4—The Next Day in Limbo

(Death, Duke, Blondie and Aloha are walking around.)

Aloha: Hey, wanna join me for a rousing game of ping pong ?

Duke: Sure thing, Aloha. Afterwards, though, doesn't matter who wins, I'm buyin' everyone drinks.

Aloha: I love you. Why couldn't we have been brothers in the mortal plane ?

Duke: (shrug) Dunno. (starts to play him but Death pulls him away) Hey, I was playing a game. Rude, much !

Death: It's important. Come here.

(Aloha and Blondie come along, inquisitively. He brings him to a large, flat screen TV that shows them what's happening presently in Duke's life.)

Blondie: Hey, that's you, isn't it ?

Aloha: And your family.

Death: Yes, now, shhh, I can't hear anything with you jabbering on.

Rita: So, Doctor Fine. How is he doing ?

Dr.: It seems he is improving. Although, we don't know how long the initial recovery will take.

Nurse: All the organs are functioning properly. His bones are healing quickly and he should be right as rain. Like the Doctor already told you, we're not sure what the time frame is that we're dealing with will be.

Dallas: Dad, you promised me we'd go zip lining. Just me and you. We were gonna ice fish and see the northern lights in Norway... (he gets a little teary eyed)

Cosmo: Dallas, your dad is a fighter. He'll pull through this. Just you wait.

Delores: When he does though, I'm going to take him by the ear.

Dillon: You and me both, doll. We'll have a little pow-wow with him.

Death: (snickers) Woo boy. You're in for it now.

Dallas: (brightens) They're all saying I can come back. That in fact, I will come back.

Death: All the signs are there. (coyly) Spoiler alert ! In a month, you'll be better than new, Dallas 2.0, the latest model.

Duke: So, I evade you, in other words.

Death: (scoffs) Technically, yes. I'll get you later though, so fair is fair !

Duke: I was sort of wondering, since we're close friends and all, if you could recruit me into your posse ?

Death: (raised eyebrow) What are you getting at ?

Duke: I've always wanted to be a messenger of yours.

Death: I've never really had a messenger. I come uninvited most of the time.

Duke: See, that's exactly the point, dude ! You get a bad rap, right ?

Death: (nodding)

Duke: So, I was running this plan in my head, right ? What if we were all your messengers ? We'd soften the blow for any family losing someone close to them.

Death: That's not such a bad plan, really. Oh, by the way, congratulations.

Duke: (raised eyebrow) Why ? For beating you ? Thanks ! You're not such a sore loser, ya know.

Death: (chuckling) Not what I meant, but I guess it can be taken that way as well.

(Scene shift)

Scene 5—Returning to the Mortal Realm

('2 Months Later' appears on screen...)

Aloha: Hey, Duke ! Looking radiant today.

Duke: (looks at himself) Hey, I'm practically see-through ! That's not normal, is it ?

Blondie: No. The ones that are 'recalled' return. Those who begin to glow like a glow stick, they go to St. Peter at the pearly gates. It takes a while though. Not like we know the concept of time. Doesn't really seem that long either way.

Death: Looks like you're going home. What a fighter. I'm sure you're gonna be in for it though.

Duke: Don't forget our contract.

Death: You have my word. (Shakes on it) I don't go back on contracts, written or verbal. See you around, partner. Looking forward to it.

Duke: You and me both. Catch ya around, dude bra. (Does the Pewdiepie fist bump with him) Brofist ! (disappears and then starts to wake up)

Cosmo: Thank heaven. My prayers were answered. Not like I really pray though, mind you. (whispers) I do, just don't let anyone else know, capice ?

Rita: Thank goodness, you're back with us. We knew you would though.

Dallas: (hugging him tightly) Dad ! Welcome home ! Now we can go zip lining.

Duke: Sure, tiger. As soon as I'm completely healed, that's the first thing I am going to do.

Delores: (yanks him up by the ear)

Duke: OW ! Why, ma ?

Delores: (pretty livid with her son, almost to the point of tears) Don't ever do this to us again !

Duke: Alright, alright. Just let go of my ear...that HURTS ! Jesus !

Dillon: (backhands him) That's for goin' into a coma.

Duke: Ay ! (rubs the back of his head) You only hurt the ones you love, indeed.

Cosmo: They talked to me about this 'family meeting'. We've all come to the conclusion that your line of work is just too dangerous. You could've died back there and I would've felt responsible. So, I'm not asking you to retire, I'm begging you to.

Duke: Taking into account my mother's brute force and that I don't wish to be subjected to it again...Deal.

Cosmo: Good working with ya, Duke. Enjoy your new life. (walking out of the room after giving Duke a huge hug, which he reciprocates in full force.)

Dallas: Woo-hoo ! More time with dad. Oh, by the way, looks like I'm going to be a big brother.

Rita: I didn't have the chance to tell you before the accident.

Duke: (thinking to himself) That's what Death had meant. That sly fox ! (hugging his wife, excitedly, but strains a muscle) I'm elated, dear. OW.

Rita: Be careful, my action hero.

Duke: Ten four. Ow, ow, ow. (narrating) From that point onward, I followed the instructions of my PT and worked my way back to 100 %. Before I knew it, I was zip lining with my buddy.

(Quick scene transition from his work out to 'Eye of the Tiger' with his PT to 'I Believe I Can Fly' with his son. )

Scene 6—Death Makes a Surprise Visit

Death: (floating beside them) Sup.

Dallas: (shrieks like a little girl)

Death: I swear. Every time. Is it because I'm defying gravity ?

Dallas: (turning pallid and shivering in terror) G-g-g-g-g-grim Reaper !

Death: (rather non-chalant and cooly) That's my name, don't wear it out. Well, sport, your pops and I have an agreement. Someone just lost their family member and your family are ambassadors of mine.

Dallas: (as they descend, almost a look of disbelief and horror) Dad. What. Did. You. DO !

Death: Long story, kid. (he snaps his fingers and they're at the bedside of someone who has died. The man in the bed looks happy, at peace.)

Duke: (narrating) None of us knew exactly what the job would entail. At first we felt we were well over our heads. As soon as we got a feel for what it meant to be 'Ambassadors', I knew I had made the right deal. Sometimes the stars align just right and the Cosmos makes an elegant, poetic sense.

(Scene fade)

Scene 7—Monty Becomes an Ambassador

Duke: (at a book signing) And there you are.

Monty: Hey, pop ! Fancy meeting you in our local Barnes & Noble.

Duke: Where did you guys come from ?

Rita: Practice. That's why we're a mess. Sorry about that.

Duke: I wish I could've come. I wanted to see you guys play.

Monty: Aw, pop. You see us play all the time. Nothing new.

Duke: What kind of father am I if I don't support you at every game ?

Dallas: No pressure, dad. We know you have to appease your public.

Duke: How's that girlfriend of yours ?

Dallas: Surprisingly turned on by the fact I personally know Death. Kind of creepy, but strangely enduring. If she's a necrophiliac though, I'm cuttin' my losses, seriously.

Duke: Good thinkin'. What about you, Monty ? Turning any heads yet ?

Monty: Dude, I'm only 10, I don't even think about girls. I prefer soccer, it's my jam. I have to admit though, being a Bombast does have its perks.

Rita: Oh please. (shakes head from left to right) Well, dearest Monty, I don't think you'll be having to worry about ladies until you become a teenager.

Monty: Mom ! (embarassed) Not in front of all these people !

Death: Hey, there's the little squirt ! Gonna come on your first trip with us ?

Monty: Oh yeah ! I've been looking forward to this, Dallas says it's off the chain !

Duke: (narrating) And, honestly it was. Being with Death has its advantages. No need for public transportation. Just a snap of the finger and BAM, we're with the family. Yes, it can be a difficult transition, but with the human touch, people are becoming less afraid of my friend. Sure, he might have a morbid sense of humor, but all in all, he loves humanity and knows that the afterlife is where the party's at. He's taught me to take one day at a time and to savor what I have. I've become closer to my sons. I take fewer risks, unless they're calculated. I parachuted with my boys for the heck of it, and it was scintellating. Now that I'm retired, though, we can go wherever we want and help those who really need it. If nothing else, I've learned to think outside of my own bubble and realize that we're more connected than we know. Of course, it's a very strange thought, being confronted with mortality so much but it puts everything else in perspective. What I didn't forsee was how Death was becoming so much more accomodating. After a while, he didn't need the Ambassadors any longer...

(Scene shift)

Scene 8—I'll See You Again, Though

(The screen says 'Late Summer, 2030, Cabo San Lucas)

Dallas: What do you think of my swim trunks, baby ?

Orchid: They bring out your eyes, as well as another well defined part of your body.

Dallas: Cheeky little vixen ! (hugs her close kissing her neck amorously)

Monty: Oh my God, could you two at least get a room ! (covers eyes)

Dallas: It's gonna happen to you someday, little bro. Just you wait. You've got the Bombast charisma. Ladies love it. Draws 'em like bees to honey.

Orchid: That's not the only thing that draws the women.

Dallas: You naughty chica. Papi te quiero MUUUUCHO !

Monty: Oy, vey...God, just please...Blind me for the sake of my sanity.

Death: (appearing in board shorts, looking cut and looking incredible, there are some women and men staring him down and looking him over) Sup, bras. I see you're livin' the high life this vacation.

Duke: It was someplace we've never been. We're seein' the world. YOLO, right ?

Death: You bet your tuchus. Anyways, I wanted to tell you all it's been a real helluva ride.

Rita: What do you mean ?

Death: (tries to keep his emotions in check) We've been traveling everywhere making the transition from your world to paradise easier. Thing is, I wouldn't have been able to do it had it not been for your help.

Dillon: I suppose it comes naturally.

Death: I really hate long, drawn out, goodbyes. So, I guess it's farewell. I'll be seein' ya though. You first, Dillon, ya rowdy ol' coot ! It's been real, guys ! (disappears, wriggling his eyebrows)

Dillon: (laughs) Hey...Wait. That wasn't funny...at all.

Delores: Have a shaved ice. It'll make you feel better.

Dillon: Ooo, pina colada. You still know how I tick, starfish.

Duke: (narrating) To be honest, I didn't miss my stunt-taking life. Being with Rita, the boys, my family, selling books, traveling the world, even hanging with Death had taught me the true meaning of life. For me, it was encouraging others who just needed that one boost from a fellow human being. Sure, I had superstar pull but I was a mortal man, just looking to provide for the ones he loved. My life only improved with time, especially with my granddaughter, Star, arriving. She was going to be spoiled immensely. I never thought my life was going to take this course. You'll never hear me kvetch though. Life is good and I'll take the excitement of family involvement over death-defying stunts any given day.

(We see Duke and his family savoring their time on the beach, the Ketchup Song plays followed by some salsa favorites from Zumba.)

The screen reads, 'Meanwhile in Limbo'...

The sign above reads 'Death's Comedy Club, You'll Die Laughing, TWICE')

Death: Whaddya call a doorbell that doesn't work ?

(The crowd thinks about it)

Death: A dead ringer. Get it ? Dead. Ringer ! (Cracks up) Oh, my, somebody stop me.

(No one laughs, there's a cough in the audience)

Death: (loosens tie) Oof, tough crowd. I call this (hits face with frying pan) Dead, ow, pan, ow, humor. Ow. (still coughing from the crowd) Nothin'. Are you guys dead ? Sorry ! Bad pun, I can't help it.

Crowd goer #1: Get off the stage.

Crowd goer #2: Get the hook !

Death: Fine. I know when I'm not wanted ! (hooks himself off stage) See ya !

(We see Death and friends doing the limbo at the very end, as well as the conga, having a ball. Other bloopers and behind the scenes sneak peaks are given. The influence for this script was due to my beautiful, handsome, loving, darling TTR. Had it not been for you, none of this divinely dark script would have been possible. You bring out the best in me and to that I am deeply grateful. Thank you !)