Super Hero Coaltion: My Big Fat Superhero Wedding

Synopsis: Google Man and Wiki Girl are getting married ! It's a gargantuan gala, black tie affair and many celebs will attend but not without a little trouble from Crawford Hitch, a jaded super villain who's ability is to illicit odium wherever he goes.

HEROES/HEROINES

Sticky Man: (aka Lloyd Barger, leader of SHC)

Man Baby: (aka Frank Childs)

Murphy's Law: (aka 'Melee May' Hershey)

Yogi Berry: (aka Saffron Dawn)

Narcolepsy: (aka Nate Short)

Waffle: (aka Richard Kruller)

Disco: (aka Kendra Stout)

Google Man: (aka Hendricks 'Henry' Petrovich)

Wiki Girl: (Fiona James)

Trivial Pursuit: (Holland Oates)

Plus One: (Mira Hinamatsu)

REFORMRED VILLAINS/VILLAINESSES

Elbow Macaroni: (aka Anthony Corleone)

Firecracker: (aka Herodias Goldblum)

Chatter: (aka Charlie 'Chuck' Sand)

Muzak: (aka Gorgophone Stamos)

Malatov Cocktail: (Eugene Malinokov)

Card Trick: (Laverna Oppenheimer)

Two Left Feet: (Daemon Zapatos)

Polka Dot: (Myrtle Groll)

SUPERVILLAIN (and to be reformed, eventually)

Crawford Hitch (aka Odium)

'ORDINARY' FOLKS

Mayor Harfortshire 'Ford' Bates:

Amanda 'Amy' Bates:

Daisy Bates: (daughter)

Rose Marie Bates: (Daisy's sister)

Hyacinth Bates: (youngest sister)

Anchorwoman Marissa Cho:

Pastor/Clergyman:

Scene 1—A Festive Occasion

Nate: Are you nervous, Hendricks ?

Hendricks: Nate, I'm petrified. Fiona is everything I have wanted and more. I just can't help thinking that my old nemesis, Crawford Hitch is out there, plotting, developing some half-assed cockamamie scheme to make this special day an utter disaster.

Richard: Who's Crawford Hitch ?

Hendricks: (incredulously) Crawford Hitch ! Crawford Hitch ?! Well (pauses) I'll tell you. (flashback) Before I became a member of this illustrious institution, Hitch and I were best buds. We did everything together. Man, we were practically bros, dude. Then it went all terribly wrong. The girl he loved fell in love with yours truly. Hey, what can I say ? Good taste. Crawford already had the ability to turn people against each other. It was innate within him. All he had to do was look at someone a certain way or snap his fingers, and people would be strangling each other. He just worked on humans destrada and inability to accept anything other than the self and multiplied their self-preservation to work for him. He became Odium that day.

Frank: Odium ! Good gravy, man ! He's one of the worst super villains known to human kind ! The guy is A-one assholery ! No offense. I know you guys were once bros at one time.

Hendricks: That we were, Frank. Jealousy does strange things to a man. Odium went his way, and eventually he was caught by the authorities. John Law couldn't hold him for long though. I just have a really terrible inkling that he might've busted out of the joint.

Lloyd: You mean where we've been stowing other high profile ne'er do wells ?

Hendricks: That's the joint, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Well, crisp my hide and call me bacon. This can't be good.

Frank: No duh, Sherlock.

Richard: Let's not entertain Henry's dark nightmare. It's a happy, jocular occasion. Let's just sit back and enjoy the festivities. I myself wish I had sonic hearing. I'd love to hear what our pretty little birds are chatting about.

(Fairly soon Mendelssohn's Wedding March plays, followed by Murphy singing Ave Maria, which is nothing but pure angelic beatific overtones sending the room into happy tears and sighs of elation.)

Henry: (straightening bow tie) This is it, fellows. Moment of truth. (inhales and exhales deeply)

(They follow him down the aisle, and a string sextet heralds them in with Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. Henry can't keep his eyes off his resplendent bride. In the audience though, is Odium, brimming with dark hatred, resentment and envy. The obscurity overcomes him.)

Clergyman: Do you Mr. Petrovich, take Ms. James to be your lawfully wedded wife ?

Googleman: (flirtatiously) You bet your sweet bippy I do.

(This elicits snickers from the audience)

Clergyman: And do you, Ms. James, take this man...

Odium: (rising up, swirling with malevolent energy) Not one more word ! Not one more step !

(passes gazes upon them and Googleman falls prey to the malevolent stare)

Henry: The wedding's off. I can't even look at you ! (he storms down the aisle) He looks at the other members of the congregation and they are hypnotized into fighting with each other, except Murphy and Saffron.)

Murphy: I suppose only the wiles of a child are immune to hatred. Hopefully I'll see if I can snap everyone out of their murderous rages. (Loudly) Hey ! HEY, IDIOTS !

(Everyone stops short of strangling each other to death)

Nate: (waking up) What just happened ? Why am I trying to murder Hendricks ?

Henry: I don't know why but I felt so much rage earlier. (irate) I should've barred the church doors. Now Fiona's gone !

Kendra: Hey, it'll be ok. We'll find her.

Frank: We can stop him !

Lloyd: After what he did to us, Frank ? We'll kill each other !

Murphy: Maybe you can't but I can !

Saffron: Come to think of it, I wasn't effected by Odium's power either. I can go with you. That way you don't have to fight alone, Murphy.

Henry: It'll be dangerous.

Saffron/Murphy: We know.

Saffron: We can handle it. We're big girls.

Henry: Get my Fiona back for me.

Saffron/Murphy: (confidently, with resolve and bounce) We'll do our best.

(Meanwhile as our heroes try to occupy themselves with board games and it helps somewhat, but Henry is still a bundle and bungle of raw nerves.)

Scene 2—My Powers Are Useless !

Odium: So now, you can come and be with me, Fiona. We can go elope !

Wikigirl: You'd do that for me, Crawford ? You're so thoughtful.

Odium: Well I've loved you longer than Henry has. It's only right I should be the one who wins your hand in holy matrimony, elopement or non.

Saffron: Not if we have anything to say about it.

WikiGirl: (snapping out of her trance) Yogi ! Murphy ! What...Where am I ? Who is this little creep ?

Odium: (getting irate) Oh, you're about to get beat down, ladies. I don't care if you ARE women, I'm kicking both your butts !

Murphy: Seriously ? You're dealing with Murphy's Law, bitch !

Saffron: Murphy ! Language !

Murphy: Sorry, I only use salty grammar when I'm mad !

Odium: (he unleashes fury upon them but loses, getting hit by all the catastrophe that misses Murphy. Yogi just dazzles him with flexibility, and his mind wanders, despite himself) Damn it ! Stop...Don't do that. Oh, wow. You really are flexible. Hubba hubba.

Saffron: So not only a creep, stalker and obsessed loony but also a pervert.

Odium: Fine. You won. Fair and square. You can have your dumb family member back now. Continue as promised. Let me die in obscurity.

Murphy: You are one morbid fellow. Have you ever considered counseling ?

Odium: (sitting down and the two ladies join him, sitting next to him) Not really. I've just always been (balls up fists and exclaims in rage) so angry !

(The police soon come and take Odium in for processing)

Saffron: I can help you overcome that anger. Here's my card. Give me a call when you're ready.

Odium: (a softness is seen in his eyes, a genuine regret for what he's done) I think I will. Thank you, both of you. And, Fiona. I'm sorry. I was wrong.

Fiona: At least you're man enough to admit that. I forgive you.

Odium: (for the first time in his life, tears roll down his cheeks)

(Scene shift)

Scene 3—Where Were We ?

Hendricks: (narrating) The ladies had sustained no damage. Odium was processed in a court of law for hostage taking. His ability, that darkness within him, I and my team watched it as it began to melt away. Saffron began to work with him and teach him meditation and how to manage anger in a positive way. His ability to create hatred between others developed into charisma, charm, love, motivation and hope. Strangely, the man I always knew resurfaced. He became what he truly wanted to be; a motivational speaker. As for me, I got to marry the woman of my dreams. Never once have I looked back. Now we're in Maui, living it up.

Fiona: Don't you think the others would've enjoyed going with us ?

Hendricks: I hope you're being facetious, Fiona. This is our honeymoon after all.

Fiona: (laughing heartily) Ah, yes. You know me all too well. How are the others doing ? The Coalition keeps growing, it seems. Who knows, Crawford might join our ranks.

Hendricks: He always mentioned he wanted to be a superhero like me. I personally think he has a thing for Saffron.

Fiona: Saffron's gorgeous, why wouldn't he ?

(They laugh)

Hendricks: Now where were we ?

(A remix of Sexual Healing plays in the background as they go off to a private beach somewhere to make love.)

(Meanwhile, Back At HQ appears on screen)

Saffron: (surprised) Ah, Crawford ! I didn't know you were coming today.

Crawford: I wanted to surprise you.

Saffron: I'm definitely surprised. We had no session today, so what's the occasion ?

Crawford: I'm a legally free man, working in my dream job and it is thanks to you and the Super Hero Coalition.

Frank: (thumbs up) Just doin' our job, there, buckaroo !

Murphy: It's part of our pay grade. We can't be saving the day constantly, so counseling is one of our side jobs.
Sad to say, Saffron is the only qualified psychiatrist in the room.

Saffron: Guilty as charged.

(They're all watching, being a bit nosy, and maybe even a little rude !)

Saffron: Guys, a little privacy !

Lloyd: (smirking) Heh, sorry about that. We're just looking out for you, ya know.

Saffron: Don't be butt-inskis !

Richard: With nothing else going on, you two are our entertainment.

Saffron: I've got a bit of an idea. All of you check the Vi-Scan and see if there are any charitable events going on. I'm certain any one of those could use a superhero as inspiration.

Nate: That's absolute genius, Saffron.

(They all go into the opposite room to the MTAC room and soon are heard speeding away in their vehicles to help the indigent/less fortunate.)

Crawford: I'm a changed man ! (chortles in spite of himself) Total 180 degree turn !

Saffron: I've noticed. You were the one truly responsible though.

Crawford: But you gave me the push I needed. (comes up to her and kisses her passionately)

Saffron: Oh, Crawford, I didn't know you cared.

Crawford: (sings I've Got You Under My Skin and starts to dance with her) So, what say we blow this lame pop stand and paint the town red ?

Saffron: I'd like that. The team can handle a bit of charity work without yours truly, I believe.

Crawford: (in the style of Curly) Cointenly ! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

(She laughs, heartily)

Lloyd: (while he and his friends are cheering up pediatric cancer patients) We all knew it to be inevitable and within the realm of possibilities for Crawford to actually have a human heart underneath all the prickly darkness he harnessed like a cloak. He had transformed though. Funny to think now, he asked me if I would induct him into our intrepid band. Overlooking past grievances, I thought, 'Definitely. This is a hero in the making'. So, we thought of a new name to suit his talent. From then on, he was called Captain Charisma and he became our second self-help guru. We were pleased with the addition. Saffron and Henry were able to participate in the official ceremony. We're still celebrating even after all that. The time will come for us to face another villain, but for now, we're partying like it's 1999. No regrets !

(They dance to September. The credits roll to snapshots of the crew dancing around and passing Crawford around the room with a gleeful look on his face. There's a shot of the two of them making out in a corner, caught red handed. Murphy is pointing an accusatory finger at Frank, who looks innocent. Can't Stop the Feeling plays, followed by Party Rock and I've Got a Feeling. Inspiration for this comes from my dream to marry my other half, whom I know is coming into my life as I pen these words to paper. I have set my course, my destiny is in my hands. Knowing this, I sail on, seeing my pathway is crystal clear.)