Joe of Antiquties, Joe and the Unicorns

(aka Indian Joe) 

Synopsis:  On a vacation in Europe, the Sharmas encounter a clutch of unicorns that has been camouflaging itself from the public eye.   Some treasures, Joe believes, are meant to be kept secret, and he leaves the unicorns tale as myth, legend and lore. 

~*~CAST~*~

Dr. Joe Sharma:

Seema Sharma: (his mom)

Apu Sharma:  (his dad)

Sweetu Sharma: (grandma)

Shah Sharma:  (grandfather)

Various Unicorns: 

Dr. Stephanie Sharma:  (Joe’s wife)

Katharine ‘Kate’ Sharma: (their daughter)

Billie Browne: (Kate’s best friend)

Gina Browne: (Billie’s younger sister)

Francine Browne: (Billie’s mom)

Eddie Browne: (Billie’s dad)

Patrick Powers: (Paul’s dad)

Tiffany Powers: (Paul’s mom)

Vera Powers: (Paul’s grandma)

Paul Powers:  (Kate’s boyfriend/powerlifter)

Dimitri: (Paul’s Husky)

Scene 1—A Trip for Genealogical Purposes 

Steph:   Gather round everyone.   I have an announcement.  

Apu:   Oooh, this is going to be good ! 

Seema:   What seems to be the hubbub, sweetie ? 

Steph:  (holding up a pamphlet on Ireland)  Remember how we all savored that trip to Joe’s native Bangladesh ?  

Shah:   It was a trip of a lifetime.   I hope we can return someday.  

Steph:  I’m sure we will, granddad, but, I want us all to take a trip to Ireland.

Sweetu:   Ireland ?   (brilliant smile)  I’ve always wanted to go ! 

Kate: (hearing all the bustling and excitement from the kitchen)  What’s going on ?   Why’s everyone so excited ?

(They all point at the Ireland pamphlet) 

Kate: (nearly dancing a jig)  Yes !   Lord God Almighty heard my prayers !  Thank you sweet Jesus ! 

Joe:  Someone’s awfully jovial today.  Is it because of the plans Stephanie and I have been talking about for a while ? 

Seema:   You knew about this Joseph ? 

Apu: (sternly) And you were keeping it a secret from us this whole time ?

Joe:  (nervously)  Yes, but I wanted you all to know about the trip together.  Thought it would be more enjoyable that way. 

Shah:  That’s my beloved grandson.   Altruistic, magnanimous and kind. 

Joe:  (bashfully)  Gramps, cut it out.  You’re embarrassing me.  

Seema:   When are we going ?   Are we taking anyone else ?

Steph:  I was going to ask Kate that exact question. 

Kate:  (smirks)  You already know my answer.  I just need to know if I have his parent’s permission.   

Sweetu:  I’m certain that Pat and Tiff will be fine with Paul having a bit of a break from college.   Goodness knows after taking finals, both he and Kate need a bit of a respite. 

Kate:  Thank you, granny.   I appreciate your vote of confidence.   I’ll get in touch stat !  (calls Paul)

(Split screen) 

Paul:  Powers residence, Paul speaking.  Who may I ask is calling ? 

Kate:  (snickers)  You should know by caller-ID, dummy ! 

Paul:  I know, but I’m simply using phone etiquette.   (feigning annoyance)  Gosh ! 

Kate:  (trying not to bust a gut laughing at his antics) Doofus.   I was just calling to ask you how you felt about Ireland. 

Paul:  (in an Irish accent)  Ah, faith n’ begorah.  Land o’ luck and faeries and all sorts of magical creatures ! 

Kate:  I take it you like Ireland ? (she still does her best to repress laughter and fails at it miserably, he’s got her busting a literal gut)

Paul:  I am in love with it.  I’ve always wanted to go.

Kate:  What if I told you that we’re going ?  Mom always wanted to go, now we’re taking the trip of a lifetime. 

Paul:  (screams happily and runs around the room like a wild man)  Mom and dad are already aware I’m a young adult.  I’m sure they won’t mind me leaving them alone.  They’ve got Dimitri to look after them.

Dimitri:  (barks an affirmative response)

Paul:  You’re dang right, dude.  

Kate:  (narrating)  Off we were again, not because someone wanted us to go on an adventure, or that there was a right to be wronged, but because we were driven by the mystique of the land and our heritage.  

(While we hear Kate narrating, we see an animation of the plane making its peregrination to Ireland.  Typical Irish jigs play in the background and the family becomes adjusted to being back on the ground as well as the International Date Line.)  

Scene 2—Sightseeing

(Traditional Irish jigs play as the Sharmas and their friend ‘soak up local color’.  They savor a football game at a local pub but don’t imbibe the local brew.   They are a part of a group tour but Paul gets sidetracked, as he is wont to do.) 

Kate:  Paul !  Wait !  Where are you going !   We can’t break free of the group’s stride !  We’re going to get lost. 

Paul:  No we’re not, Ms. Anxious pants !  We’ll be fine.  I thought I saw something glowy in the distance.  

Joe:  That doesn’t sound very safe, necessarily.   Paul, quit running !  

Apu:  Let him run, Joe !   Maybe he’ll tire out.  

Kate:  I know him better than any of you.  That’s very unlikely.  

Paul:  (coming upon a clutch of unicorns)  Oh…my…wizarding world ! 

Seema:  What is it.    Dear Krishna ! 

Apu:  Unicorns ? 

Shah:  I am seeing it.  (rubbing eyes)  I’m not believing it.  

Sweetu:  Neither am I.   Shah, let me borrow your handkerchief. 

Shah:  Of course, my Sweetu.  (does so, she cleans her glasses) 

Sweetu:  Nothing wrong with these lenses.  

Joe:  I am totally stunned. 

Steph:   Can you imagine, we’d come upon these majestic creatures ?   After all these years, all the stories told…

Unicorn #1:  We brought you here for this very reason. 

(The unicorns speak through telepathy and not vocally or gutturally like other animals do.) 

Kate:  All my girlhood fantasies….confirmed ! 

Unicorn #2:  We knew you would have golden hearts and pure intentions.

Unicorn #3:  We have been existing in these forests for years, unperturbed. 

Paul:  How ? 

Unicorn #4:  We have methods of camouflage, invisibility you might call it. 

Apu:  Interesting.  

Shah:  (still dumbstruck, mouth agape)

Sweetu:  Shah, shut your mouth, you’re letting the flies in.   

Joe:  We’re humbled you would want to appear to us.  

Unicorn #5:   Others like you keep us safe from those who would want to showcase us, run experiments on us…that sort of hideousness. 

Steph:  I can’t understand some human beings sometimes.  

Unicorn #6:  Ask us anything.  We’ve been around since Biblical times. 

Kate: (narrating)  It goes without saying that we had tons of questions and not a lot of time to ask them.   The group we had come with had started worrying about us and Paul knew how to rejoin them.  So as to not draw too much suspicion that we were deserters, were eaten by bears or kidnapped by leprechauns…do they do that anyway ?  We scattered back to the group, inconspicuously before the hour had become too late.    In the forest, we could still see the glimmer of silvery manes and a sacredness filled our hearts.

(‘Sense of Wonder’ is sung by Joe and the group as they sneak their way back into the tour cluster.)  

(Back with the cluster, the head tour guide raises her eyebrow) 

Shirley:  (slightly suspicious) Did you get separated somehow ?  

Paul: (telling a bit of a fib) No ma’am.  

Shirley:  (points to her watch, reprovingly but in a maternal tone) You were away for almost an hour.   (large sigh of relief) Ah, but no frettin’, really.   No harm, no foul.   Tomorrow, we’ll be headin’ to Dublin.   We’ll be seein’ castles and historical sights and doin’ all we can in another full day.   For now, we’re headin’ back to our hotels to get some much needed rest.  

Kate: (narrating)  Shirley was a grand guide.  She had been doing this work since she was at least 21, sort of a prodigy.   She was another example of loving the work that one did.   Like her, we had that as well as our love of the culture, people and even the food in common.   Irish food wasn’t so bad as people say it is.   It’s actually pretty appetizing, but like Polish food, it’s got (speaks with an accent) quite a bit of potatoes.  

(Scene shift) 

Scene 3—Beauty of The Emerald Isle

 (A montage of the Sharma family being given the grand tour of the best of Ireland is shown and Shirley is having the time of her life showcasing her native land to the Sharmas, who are just discovering it.) 

Paul:  (taking video with his camera)  This only pales in comparison to actually seeing it, but no worries, I have plenty of souvenirs to share with you when I come back.  

Kate:  That’s really thoughtful of you, making a video for your folks. 

Paul:  (shutting his camera off and tucking it into a small carrier) I agreed to it before I left and have been chronicling the whole trip.  I didn’t get the unicorns though.   I left my camera in the room before I was sidetracked. 

Kate;  (puts her hand on his shoulder)  That’s the way they would’ve wanted it though, Paul.   Think what would happen if someone else had seen that footage ?    It’s just like the hunters and Bigfoot.   They never knew that they’d be found out though.  

Paul:   Karma, baby.

(Kate laughs in spite of herself as does Paul.) 

Kate:  Everything happens for a reason.  The supernatural is in a realm all of its own.  Unlike life, which we have some control over, the supernatural has its own rules and regulations.   None of it though, is even close to being understood.  

Paul:  Babe, you are deep.   You know, throughout this whole vacation though, I was thinking.  We’re back to our origins and he we are, where your maternal side came from. 

Kate:  (encouraging him, moving her finger forward like she’s winding a clock clockwise)  Go on, go on !   I think I know where you’re heading with this. 

Paul:  (groan)  You’re going to take all the fun out of it !   Well, (fake pouting) if you’re so smart and you know what I’m going to say then, go ahead.  Amuse me, amaze me !   Knock my proverbial golden toes off !

Kate:  The answer to your query is yes.  Of course I want to marry you. 

Paul:  But…how did you know ?  I tried to keep my side trips secret, girl !  How ?

When ?  Where ?  Do you have spies ? 

Kate:  Women’s intuition.  Besides, I knew you were off looking in jewelry shops, and you know my stone’s peridot.  

Paul:  Yeah, well, birthdates are important, most crucially yours.   I would be foolish not to remember that !   (he laughs)  But seriously, however did you figure I was out buying you this ?  (fishes out a velveteen box from his shorts and opens it.  It’s a Claddagh, and instead of a heart, it’s holding a peridot 4-leaf lover in its hands)  

Kate:  I didn’t know it was going to be this elaborate or lovely.   It’s perfect.  Besides, you were hanging back in some of our excursions.   Shirley didn’t see you going on your side trips, but I could see you from my periphery.  

Paul:  Girly periphery !  That’s what it is, your little sixth sensitivity.   (anxiously gets the ring ready to put in on her finger)  I can’t believe after all this time, I finally get to marry my sweetheart. 

Kate:  Another one of your endearing qualities.  Your never-say-die attitude. 

(The others hear of the sensationalism that is happening and they can’t help to be involved.) 

Sweetu:  Did Paul just ask for your hand ?  Oh (hand over heart)  How insanely romantic ! 

Shah:  Paul you dog !   How long were you thinking of tying the knot with my granddaughter ? (he nudges him in the ribcage playfully) 

Paul: (laughing)  That tickles ! 

Apu:  He took hints from the master of love, myself !   The only other sentimentalist in the vicinity is my boy ! 

Joe:  I’m fairly sure none of this is in my playbook.   Well thought, Paul.  And well done.  You have my permission, not like you needed to ask though. 

Paul:  (unexpectedly hugging Joe and causing him to tear up slightly)  I know, dad.  It makes me glad though, knowing I can be a part of the family.  I do realize that Kate is always going to be a Sharma, and that makes me love her all the more. 

Kate:  (narrating)  It wasn’t long before I was married to my best friend and confidante, Paul Powers.   Inwardly, I was still a Sharma but my surname stated I was united to the Powers family.   I didn’t mind being a Powers.  It was a dare I say, powerful name change  !  Ha !  Punnage.   Though we would still be going on adventures together as a married couple, who knew how else our lives was going to change in the days to come.   Married life was certainly more intriguing.  Sometimes challenging, but Paul and I savored the challenge.  We hardly ever bickered or argued.  Most of the time, Paul and I laughed and thrilled at whatever life threw at us.   Before Paul and I knew it, we were looking forward to bringing a baby girl, Abigail, home with us.   Abigail was so named after an Aunt that Paul had known growing up.  Like me, she never shunned Paul for being ‘handi-capable’ or different.   Sure, he might have been slightly slower in speech but by no means was he dumb.   He’s smarter than quite a few technicians and scientists I know and only recently did he, I, and my entire family were all knighted by Queen Elizabeth herself !  We didn’t think we deserved the honor, simply doing what we enjoyed.   Maybe we had saved some mythological beasts from being discovered but nothing truly noteworthy.   Sure we had escaped the gaping maw of doom, gloom and death, but now we had even more notoriety to our namesake.   None of us touted it.  We simply continued living our lives.  I helped in Dharma when mom and dad or my grandparents needed me.  Soon as Abigail came into the scene, everything revolved around her button nose and bright eyes.   She was the center of our Universe, and we didn’t really mind that one bit.   She wouldn’t be alone in the world, at least, not for long.   7 years after Abigail, little Joey came into the world.   Dad was surprised I named our child after him, but after all, he had been the one to spur me on, inspire me and motivate me.  Had he not been my rock through the hardest times of my life and Paul’s life too, I don’t know where we would be right now.  We have the best family any people could ask for, and knowing that Joey and Abby will have them in theirs gives me such confidence and reassurance that their lives are going to be even more awesome than ours have been.   I know this is only just the beginning and the real journey is just around the bend.  I cannot wait to see what it holds for me, Paul, Joey and Abby.  

(A sort of montage of Paul and Kate is shown, ‘Eternal Flame’ plays in the background, followed by a rather upbeat and punky version of ‘God Save the Queen’ when they’re knighted.  They head back home and ‘Life Goes On’ plays as we see Abigail and Joey come into the world.   We see them all coming together during a Christmas party dancing to ‘All Night Long’ as well as hip songs from Hiropanti.  The final song is the most appropriate, from ‘Swades’, the notorious and uplifting ‘Oh Traveler’ song, my ultimate favorite.  Another tale, brought to a close.  To the one who made it possible, my dear TTR.  I am happy we still have our red thread interwoven around our pinkies.  May it never sever !)