Joe of Antiquities: Joe and the Village of Vampires

(aka Indian Joe)

Synopsis:   During summer vacation, Joe has a brilliant idea to go somewhere remote and vast.  He chooses Transylvania, but discovers the rumors of vampires are actually true.  Unfortunately, Count Dracula has his eyes (and fangs) set on making Stephanie and Kate his brides.   Come on, dude has a harem bigger than Russia, it’s not like he’s hurting for company !  

~*~CAST~*~

Dr. Joe Sharma: 

Seema Sharma: (his mom)

Apu Sharma:  (his dad) 

Sweetu Sharma: (grandma)

Shah Sharma:  (grandfather)

Count Dracula:

Mina:

Elizabeth: 

Anastasia: 

Alexander: 

Dorin: 

Adele: 

Costica: 

Dolan:  

Dragomir:  

Livia: 

Luca:

Monica: 

Viorel: 

Virgil: 

Dr. Stephanie Sharma:  (Joe’s wife)

Katharine ‘Kate’ Sharma: (their daughter)

Billie Browne: (Kate’s best friend)

Gina Browne: (Billie’s younger sister)

Francine Browne: (Billie’s mom)

Eddie Browne: (Billie’s dad) 

Patrick Powers: (Paul’s dad) 

Tiffany Powers: (Paul’s mom)

Vera Powers: (Paul’s grandma) 

Paul Powers:  (Kate’s boyfriend/powerlifter)

Dimitri: (Paul’s Husky)   

Scene 1—Dimitri’s Gone Bananas

Paul:  (getting awakened by Dimitri, who seems more insistent than ever to play with his buddy) What is it Dimitri ?  What’s got you in such a tizzy ? 

(Dimitri puts his paws atop the table and points to a travel pamphlet) 

Paul:  Transylvania ?   How do you know about that ?  Kate and I had been talking about it after school had come to a close.  She and her family were planning on taking a trip there to see if the rumors of vampires were true.   (ruffles his dog’s fur) 

Tiffany:  Why are you up so early, Paul ?   It’s barely sunrise.

Paul:   Dimitri wouldn’t leave me alone, mom.   He wanted me to see this pamphlet. 

Patrick:  Transylvania ?  That’s quite the distance !  You thinking on going on another excursion with your lovely gal ?

Paul:  I swear you guys can read me like a book. 

Tiffany/Pat:  We know you well.  

Vera:  We’ll look after Dimitri while you’re gone. 

Paul:  You’d do that ?  For me ? 

Tiffany:  Of course we would.  

Paul: (hugs all of his parents goodbye)  You are the best, coolest parents on the face of this planet.  

(Paul rushes upstairs and quickly calls Kate) 

Kate:  (waking up, a bit groggily)  Paul, why have you called me so early ?  (yawning, stretching) 

Paul:  (flirtatiously)  Firstly to hear the sound of your lovely voice.  Ah, it’s gentle music to my ears.    Secondly, I wanted to tell you I can go to Transylvania with you.  

Kate:  (snickers)  We had only mentioned that a few days ago, but the travel plans haven’t been finalized yet.   We have an itinerary in mind but it’ll be at least one more day before everything is squared away. 

Paul:  I completely understand.   I want to go with you again.  I always find traveling with you is always thrilling.   Never ever dull.

Kate:  (laughing)  You can say that again.

Paul:  (being goofy)  It’s always thrilling, never ever dull ! 

Kate:  So literal.   Look, I’ll let you know when everything’s ready and you can pack your bags and meet us at the airport. 

Paul:  I’m looking forward to kissing you and holding you in my arms again. 

Kate:  You and me both, boo.   Take care of yourself.  I love you. 

Paul:  Ditto, Katy.  

Kate: (narrating)  Paul was always thoughtful when he spoke to me either on the phone or face to face.   He preferred, being a bit of a hipster, to talk to me in person.   Being a bit old fashioned myself, I didn’t mind that he liked contact.   I sighed gently, getting myself back into bed, pondering about what we were getting ourselves into.  After all, it was a tip we had gotten from an unknown source that led us down this path.   Typically, papa didn’t take suggestions that came from mysterious cloaked individuals but his inquisitive nature spurred him on.   I only prayed that this hadn’t been done hastily and we wouldn’t regret our decision to go into a land which, translated, literally meant, ‘across’ or ‘beyond the forest’.  

(Scene shift, and we can see the atmosphere and mood begin to change as the Sharmas and Paul make their peregrination to their destination.   The background music is ominous and slightly threatening.   They find a place to stay, which seems ordinary, but as soon as they make their way into the village, everything seems shrouded, cold and creepy.) 

Scene 2—Maybe We Should’ve Rethought Our Vacation

Steph:   According to the map, this is our stop. 

Kate:  Usually I’m rather upbeat about certain places, but this whole veldt gives me the creeps.  

Paul: I concur.   (shivers despite himself) 

Steph:  Maybe we should head back to the hotel and call it a day, huh ?  It’s starting to get dark. 

Joe:  You guys are a bunch of wusses !  Come on, we’ve come this far.  We can’t just retreat ! 

Steph:  Being with you builds my resolve, but this place is still really spooky ! 

(Dracula appears all of a sudden, and Steph releases one of the most girlish, bloodcurdling shrieks ever heard in the annals of cinema.)

Dracula:  How kind of you to have come.  We’ve been (drawn out) expecting you.   Particularly your lovely wife and your gorgeous daughter.  

Joe:  (Getting a little incensed)  You do realize who you’re talking to, right ?

Dracula:  (coming close and trying to be friendly, places his hand on Joe’s shoulder, which he keeps removing and he keeps placing there, almost in a childish way.  After a while, Dracula gets the message and sees Joe cannot be swayed by Dracula’s hypnotic gaze or touch.)  Of course I do, Joseph.   You’re spoken so highly of in thousands of circles.  It would be gauche of me to even believe that I had any sort of influence here on my own turf…

(He sings ‘Darkness in Our Souls’) 

Joe:  That’s quite enough.   I think we’ve made ourselves overtly clear. 

Mina:  (trying to be persuasive)  Couldn’t we at least change your minds ? 

Dolan:  Think of what you’re forfeiting.  

Steph:   Sorry, we must decline.  

Virgil:  At least come back to our Lord’s castle.  Stay a spell. 

Paul:  (a bit too loudly)  NO !   (embarrassed)  Sorry. 

Kate:  We have to go back to our hotel, soon.  It’s late.  

Dracula:  Ah, it’s such a pity really.  

Joe:  I’ll tell you what, let’s get some photographs of your castle.   The sooner we do though, the sooner we can return. 

Dracula:  I’ll honor that stipulation.  For us, it’s an easy flight, but you will need horses.  

Elizabeth:  (calls the horses by whistling) 

Kate:  (narrating)  As if the evening couldn’t become any weirder, one of the nymphs Dracula commanded hailed our horses and we were well on our way. 

Scene 3—Outnumbered ?  

(There’s a rousing orchestra number as the Sharma family and Paul ride to the castle on their borrowed horses and they take photographs of it.   Some vampires are photographed too, but all that can be seen once the film is developed are invisible bodies wearing period clothing.) 

Paul:  Now that’s just freaky.   But flippin’ awesome. 

Monica:  (flashing a wolfish, toothy smile)  I know, right ?  To think all of you could be given this by dying to your mortality.  

Joe:  (Drawn out) Ehhhhhhhhhhh, no.  

Steph:  We’ll pass.  

Kate:  (dramatically)  Can’t you vamps take a hint ? 

Dragomir: (getting a bit too close to Kate’s jugular vein) 

Kate:  (swats at him)  Do you mind ?  

Dragomir:  It’s part of my nature.  You can try as you might, but instinct can’t be tamed, my darling. 

Paul:  (getting riled up) Hey, you…you vamp !  If anyone is gonna call her darling, it’s me ?   Capice ? 

Dracula:  Is there anything you want to ask us ?  

Joe:  Oh, the questions I have are myriad in nature.  

Dracula:  (warmly)  Oh, my harem and I, we have nothing but time.  

Joe:  So long as you don’t continue to seduce my wife…

Paul:  Or hit on my girlfriend…

Kate:  Yeah.  (shivering)  I mean, ew, you’re older than 10 of my grandpas put together.   Disgusting.   

Dracula:  (tries to begin with a rebuttal but stops himself, knowing he’s been beaten)  Fair enough.  

Kate: (narrating)  My pop had a sit-down with the one and only Dracula and his bevy of beauties.   It was an actual interview with the vampires.   We saw other sprawling and unconventional resplendence of the country once we had gotten the information we required.   I doubted anyone would believe the photos we took, due to the fact that they superseded all logic.   I honestly couldn’t wait to leave even though the vampires had been fabulous hosts as well as flamboyant dressers.  I took some fashion tips from them before I left but not without having a little flirtation from some of the male vampires.   What once had been a slightly eerie vacation had become more confirmation that there were more elements in this world we still didn’t understand and we set out to prove the conspiracy theorists right. 

(There is a montage shown of the fun that the Sharmas have experienced in their unusual surroundings.   They show their photographs to newspapers who capitalize on their return home but they pass it off as a ‘hoax’ and something that was Photo shopped.  However, the mysterious stranger that tipped them off to begin with comes late at evening to abscond with copies of the photos, especially after thanking the Sharmas for proof he always knew existed.) 

Scene 4—Who Was that Shrouded Figure ?

Apu:  So did Mister Trenchcoat leave happily ?

Joe:  He seemed to.   Although I don’t recognize him, he seems vaguely familiar.  

Seema:  I’m fairly sure that was Dr. Cohen in disguise.   He didn’t want to mar his reputation.  

Joe:  I should’ve known !  That accent gives him away every time. 

Shah:  True, Levi can’t hide his Jersey sound.  

(They laugh) 

Steph:  Ah, it’s good to be home.  

Paul: It’s great to be back and have a satisfying meal for once.  I can’t help it but hanging around you has really taught me to truly enjoy food, especially more exotic tastes.  It really makes me wonder if you cook remarkable things as well.   Guess I’ll have to find out later in life, eh ?  (playfully nudges Kate in the rib)

Kate:  (playing dumb)  Whatever do you mean by that ? 

Joe:  Mr. Powers, you’d better not be alluding to what I think you’re alluding to ! 

Paul:  But, Doc Sharma !  You know how I feel.  I already expressed myself once in song to her.  That’s devotion.  Most men can’t even stand the prospect of a musical, let alone go into writing music for their beloved ! 

Joe:  (wipes a tear from his eye)  Taking a cue from Bollywood.  At last, our lessons have been well learned.  See, Stephanie, what did I tell you ! 

Steph:   Bollywood’s a great teacher, yes.  I know.  (They laugh)

Kate:  (narrating)  A familiar scene, surrounded by loved ones.  There had been some harm and maybe a perilous situation earlier, but our wits and brilliant strategies sorted us out in rapid fashion.   Simply put, I was relieved to be home, back amongst common surroundings I had taken for granted.   Dimitri, usually not welcome in Dharma, had come to greet his master, tail wagging and all.   He had been counting the days since Paul had been gone.  It astonished and astounded me that he knew math so well, but that dog was a human being with fur.  I was convinced of that.   Another day, well spent and another incident I had to tease my best friend Addy about.   Of course, she knew I would remain mum about the whole thing.  Her papa was extremely well respected, but dad could get away with having ‘failures’ in his missions.   Some people would simply never believe even if the evidence was dangled in front of their eyes, clearer than crystal.  Ah well, can’t force people into change, only do your best to help them to see and understand.   We’re just the messengers with the evidence that is more than palpable.   We know the world is more than what we can comprehend, and some matters are still enigmatic.   That’s what makes the whole destination worthwhile.   A faithful friend and companion to travel with you along the way, makes it even more enjoyable, too.  

(A montage of their field studies can be seen on a large pull-down screen.  Apu, Seema, Shah and Sweetu guffaw at how ‘palsy’ all the vampires were.   It was more akin to sexual harassment.  They hang their photos up on the Dharma wall of fame and ‘No Matter Where You Are’ plays in the background as the lights are turned off and the credits begin to roll.)