Vatoland

Synopsis: At long last, Cheech and Chong open their dream theme park (and they can't get busted because marijuana is legal in California now, I think). They are visited by the 420, enlightened beings from a pot planet (they coexist off the vapors) who wish to return home with them as their exalted leaders. Now the buddies have a decision to make. Stay in Vatoland among their fellow potheads or go with the 420 to their home world to rule them.

~*~CAST~*~

Richard 'Cheech' Marin: (as himself)

Tommy Chong (as himself)

Mary Jane: (fellow stoner, proprietor of Vatoland)

Stallone Fender: (vendor in 'Guitarland')

Gwen Green: (guitarist in 'Rollin Joint')

Greg Green: (her brother, keyboard)

Taka Toke: (drummer, percussion)

Rita Reefer: (bassist)

Logan Lude: (vocalist)

Bud McGee: (a cashier at 'Frito Lay Emporium')

Sigfried 'Siggy' Seed: (a fellow 'thrill seeker')

Sally Seed: (his drop-dead gorgeous wife)

Stephen Seed: (their son)

Sylvia Seed: (their daughter)

Seth Seed: (their youngest son)

Lupita: (420's Ambassador):

Amrita: (420's Ambassador, Lupita's sister)

Hashmir:

Cashmere: (his sister)

Councilman:

Councilwoman:

Scene 1—It's Beautiful, Man

Tom: After all these years, man. I can't believe it.

Cheech: Yeah, man. A real work of art. All that blood, sweat and tears.

Tom: All those funds.

Cheech: All those buds.

Tom: (laughing) Man, I got the thing to celebrate too.

Cheech: No, man. Save it. We have to open Vatoland first.

Tom: Is Guitarland gonna be part of it ?

Cheech: Yeah. Remember, that was your contribution.

Tom: Heavy. Bitchin. Who's going to be the curator of Guitarland ?

Cheech: Remember Stallone ?

Tom: Yeah, real heavy dude.

Cheech: He's coming for the grand opening, which will be in about...ehm...20 minutes from now. The whole gang's coming. I got a theme song and everything. There'll be a hip band playing it.

Tom: All of dreams, finally realized. It feels good, man. Real good !

('Smoke on the Water' plays in the background while the two wait for their employees to come as well as the droves to enter their theme park.)

Cheech: Welcome vatos one and all. Vatoland is open for business !

Tom: Now can I celebrate ?

Cheech: Easy, just wait 'til I cut this ribbon, ok, man ?

(Does so and the rabble pours in, very laid back and chill-like.)

Scene 2—High Times in Vatoland

Tom: (smoking a joint) Ah yeah. Primo stuff.

Cheech: How long have you been holding out on me ?

Tom: Until now, relax ! Jeez. A little bit of this will lay you out, though.

Cheech: (takes a drag) Whoo, boy. Yeah, you ain't kiddin. (Coughs a bit)

Hey, there's Mary !

Mary: Hey yourself. How are my two favorite locos doing ?

Tom: Can't complain. Better having seen you though.

Mary: I'm here for the attractions, but mostly free weed, man.

Cheech: Home grown by (points to himself and Tom) these guys.

('Dr. Green Thumb' plays in the background while the rabble continues to file in.)

Tom: Oh man. All these people. I can hear money pouring in.

Cheech: We're going to be set for life.

Tom: And all the pot we could ever want. This...is livin'.

(The Seed family makes their entrance, wide eyed at all the attractions.)

Seth: Check that out, mom ! That's 'Green Dragon'. One of the highest, fastest coasters in Cali !

Sally: I know ! Raddest thing I've ever seen. You might just be tall enough to ride it.

Siggy: Go on, kiddos, go nuts !

Seth: I'm heading over to the Dragon.

Sylvia: I'm going with you. Last one there's a square ! (runs past him)

Seth: Sylvia, no fair !

Stephen: You guys, I'll be in 'Stoner's Cove'. I'm hanging out in the waterpark.

Sally: Steve...just use extra sunscreen.

Stephen: Yeah, yeah. Later, mom.

Gwen: (on stage) Hey, I'm Gwen Green.

Greg: I'm her bitchin' husband, Greg !

Taka: I'm Taka !

Rita: Rita Reefer !

Logan: Logan Lude !

Band: And we are...The Rollin Joint ! Yeah !

Greg: Give it up, y'all !

(They play 'Vatoland' with gusto, jamming and rocking out in style.)

Cheech: Oh damn, they're playing the song ! Everything we've ever wanted, it's manifesting ! The secret actually works.

Tom: Yeah, far out. We've got one thing Rhonda Byrne doesn't. (inhales deeply and exhales contentedly)

Cheech: Yeah ? What's that ? (starting to feel the effects of the weed)

Tom: Pot, man ! It solves every-thing !

(They start laughing)

('Butterfly' plays in the background while Guitarland opens its doors to willing patrons to ride the rides, buy a guitar or learn how to play from Stallone. Frito Emporium is overflowing with guys who have the munchies.)

Scene 3—Evening Craves

Cheech: Man...I'm starving. Good thing we invested in the emporium.

Tom: I'm with ya. Feel like my stomach is eating itself. Come on, let's go !

Cheech: We haven't even done anything yet today though.

Tom: We're the CEOs, we just watch the people have a blast. (takes another drag) This roach, man...I gotta save it. It's the best one I have smoked in well, ever.

Cheech: Come on, one more toke for the road...

Tom: Sure, man. Knock yourself out. (Cheech takes another long, sophisticated drag and coughs. Both Tom and Cheech are laughing at everything now.)

('Purple Haze' is played by the Rollin' Joint. Tom and Cheech pig out on pizza, pretzels, Cheetoes and soda. Just then they see a bright light coming down from above.)

Tom: Oh God, I think it's the second coming ! Sweet Jesus, take me ! (having a laughing fit)

Cheech: Don't take me yet, I wanted to get laid at least one more time. (kneeling and laughing)

Lupita: Exalted ones, do not kneel. It is we who should be kowtowing to you.

(They help them up)

Amrita: Come along with us. We have much to discuss.

(An instrumental of 'Age of Aquarius plays while the willowy, voluptuous vixens lead our heroes to a green fountain to talk. It is of course, a parody of Lady Liberty smoking a rather boffo joint.)

Scene 4—Two Sides of the Coin, Man

Amrita: I am Amrita.

Lupita: And I, Lupita.

Both: We hail from 420.

Tom: 420 ? (really excited, nearly jumping up and down even though he's seated) Far out, man !

Lupita: That's what we said, Enlightened One. (she begins lightly stroking his hair)

Tom: I'm starting to like all this adulation.

Cheech: Yeah, you ain't kiddin'. I haven't been treated this well since...well, I don't even remember when.

Amrita: (opens a holographic device with her mind and shows them a video of their planet, the dwellings, a day's happenings) This is our home, but it lacks leadership. It has us, but we feel under qualified.

Lupita: Grossly so.

Tom: Oh, I don't know. I don't think you're gross at all. (starts to nibble her neck)

Lupita: Ooh, that tickles !

Tom: If you like that, I know something else that will tickle you even more. (takes her hand and they sneak behind a bush and sexy saxophone music accompanies them)

Amrita: You are so intellectual and open minded. We thought maybe you could come back with us and be our kinds. We would be your consorts.

(Cheech trembles at her touch and nearly melts. This woman is truly unique and alluring. He can't stop staring at her, especially her lack of outfit)

Cheech: Santa Maria...Holy Jesus Almighty. It's a mighty tempting offer. Tom ? Hey, where did you go ?

(There's a loud climax of the two but Lupita is carrying Tom out in her arms. His hair is all disheveled and matted. He gives a thumbs up. With a flick of her hand, she conjures a joint for both of them.)

Tom: You really are out of this world.

Lupita: (coquettishly) I know.

Amrita: (clears throat) If we're quite finished with diversions, I have a proposition. (places her hand atop Cheech's. Again, an ecstatic shudder rumbles through him.)

Cheech: Go on then.

Tom: Yeah. We're all ears, man.

Amrita: (stroking his hand and making him hum harmonically) On our planet, marajuana is in high supply...

Tom: (nearly dies laughing) High supply. Good one, man.

Amrita: We live symbiotically with it. It doesn't quite effect us the way it does you, but we can teach you to attain our ways. That is, if you'd be willing to rule us.

Lupita: Wouldn't you consider coming to 420 ? You'll be worshiped.

Amrita: Catered to in (trails fingers along Tom's thigh in a provocative way) all ways you can imagine. (whispers in his ear) Even in ways you can't imagine. That is, if you go for that kind of thing. (Tickles him under the chin)

Tom: (titters like a school girl) I think we should ride with these guys, Cheech. They seem really cool. I mean think about it, this could be what we've always wanted.

Cheech: You know the saying, the grass is always greener right ?

Tom: There's always a more primo doobie, yeah. I know ! I know, but look as these chics. They're H-O-T. And hotter than a lot of the ladies here at home.

Cheech: (Amrita looks him over and lightly touches his neck, he almost has an orgasm) Ohhh....Holy frijole. Lady...You're driving me nuts, and I love it.

Tom: I know what you're gonna say. 'Chong, we can't leave our duties behind. That would be neglect of the highest order. We have to be accountable.'

Cheech: The employees we have can take care of Vatoland while we're gone. I mean...how bad could it become ?

Tom: They've totally got this.

Cheech: If you're on board, then I am.

Tom: We go together. Whether good or bad.

Cheech: I love you man.

Tom: Me too.

(Cheech hugs him affectionately.)

Tom: Take off. Don't be getting too familiar. Give our guests the wrong idea.

Lupita: We've evolved beyond gender stereotypes on 420.

Cheech: Take us with you !

Amrita: Done. (Whistles and her ship arrives, it sort of resembles a low rider, especially in its hydraulics. A remix of Low Rider plays in the background, followed by one of Antidote.)

Cheech: Sweet ride, Amrita !

Amrita: Knew you would like it. (pulls him up onto her lap) Hold on tight, we're going into hyper space.

Tom: This is so trippy, dude !

(Scene shift. Back on earth, all the functions of Vatoland follow their formula and everyone returns home closing the doors. Earth becomes a tiny dot in the background and our heroes are brought to 420. Every inhabitant is laid back, friendly, but always on the move for something to eat. All people get along unbelievably well.)

Scene 5—Heaven Exists

Lupita: This is 420, our world. We're light years from Earth. We're hoping after you rule us for a while maybe some of the knowledge you garner can help your own kind.

Cheech: Wait, you didn't mention leaving. I want to stay.

Amrita: And you will, so long as you want. Come, let me show you your bedchambers.

Cheech: Kinky.

('I Believe in Miracles' plays in the background while she seduces him into his own bed, ironically enough. They make love as silhouettes. Of course, Tom comes out having made love again with Lupita in a closet somewhere in their palace.)

Amrita: Is all satisfactory with you, my Lord ?

Cheech: (barely able to speak, all he can do is nod dumbly) We're never leaving.

Tom: Yeah, the people of earth can take off !

(They laugh for a moment)

Cheech: It's freaking paradise here, guapas. What do you do all day though ?

Lupita: Not much, if you consider our laid back approach to life. We live much the way you do, but there is no war, famine, pestilence or disease.

Tom: Righteous. What's your secret ?

Amrita: You said it yourselves back in that amusement park. Ganga is key.

Tom: (accusatory but still very baked) See, man...I told you. We had the answer all along.

Cheech: It's so simple.

Amrita: (drapes arms around Cheech) And yet so genius. You chose aright, Exalted Ones.

('Paradise' plays in the background as we see their transformations and their trip to the crystalline High Court. The scene resembles the 'angel/faerie' scene from Sivaji almost down to the smallest detail. Our court members are

Cheech: (narrating) We stayed for quite a while on 420.

Tom: (narrating) No offense to Earth, but this place was totally boss. Better than home,even.

We didn't want to leave, but we knew at some point, we'd have to take what we garnered from our lives among the cosmos and bring it back home.

Cheech: I wanted to at least take my love with me. So, we held a council.

Scene 6—Back to Earth

Councilman: The council will come to order. (rings a Tibetan singing bowl)

(Everyone ohms)

Councilwoman: We all know our exhalted ones are leaving us. We have searched for minds such as theirs that will lead us as well as they have these many years.

Cheech: Years ?

Tom: I think we lost track of time here.

Cheech: We lost track of many things, if you get what I mean ! (they laugh)

Councilman: (reproving and gentle) Order, gentlemen. Order.

(The two clear their throats. A transcendent melody, much like the ones I hear from my Reiki programs, plays softly in the background.)

Councilwoman: Be it already known that our leaders wish to make their return to their home world. I have developed a solution. We grant them this and their wishes to return with their consorts.

Councilman: What of their replacements ?

Councilwoman: I have elected Hashmere and Cashmere.

(The two look positively bowled over and surprised. The others in the court are euphoric at this decision.)

Hashmere: High council, we will fulfill our duties to the best of our ability.

Cashmere: Oh, Hash. I'm so elated ! We finally have our most intimate petitions granted.

(they kiss, and deeply)

Tom: I have to admit, I'm getting turned on by that, even if they are related.

Cheech: Anything goes. (narrating) Hash and Cash became the new exalted leaders and we returned, oddly enough to a planet that hadn't changed much. We're making enough money so we can live comfortably well off.

Tom: We're still livin' in sin with our calliente chicas.

Cheech: Who's telling the story here, man ?

Tom: I thought this was a joint effort.

Cheech: (laughs hysterically and catches his breath) It is, though. Good call. Anyway, we returned, our thought vibrations higher than ever.

Tom: Sharing our vast wealth of information with the populous turned out well. Things are changing, slowly but surely. We're still living like kings.

Cheech: Yeah, man. Most of what we have helps others. But we extend our hand of enlightenment to those of you out there who don't know the meaning of life or are looking for purpose. (sings the Vatoland theme song)

Tom: (Joins in)

Cheech: We're open pretty much 24-7, so...

Tom: Come roll with us.

Cheech: You know you wanna !

('Rollin' plays in the background while we see our titular duo on the 'High Times' roller coaster, Amrita and Lupita by their sides, making out like crazy. The Rollin' Joint plays a cover of 'Come On and Love Me Now'. 'Cruisin' Down the Street' plays as the credits roll. Bloopers will be played much to the delight of viewers. An instrumental of 'Cocaine' accompanies that particular segment. To the true inspirations of this particular gem, I'd like to thank Mr. Marin and Mr. Chong for their comic stylings and perspective on the whole drug culture. It's not my scene, but I support legal marijuana for people who need it for MS, glaucoma and debilitating illnesses. CBDs are the better option though. There is no 'after effect' and I don't think cannaboids cause brain damage. At least that's not what the pamphlet I read stated about them. If cannaboids can be purchased, I wouldn't mind trying them for panic attacks when I get them. They can help with imbalances such as that. I'm all for it, go green baby !)