Unlucky Ted

Synopsis:  A 40 year old guy who lives alone falls in love with a gal, only to find out that she's married.   Ted has a terribly unfortunate existence and like the main heroine, shows signs of vulnerability.   She expresses to him she can't see him, due to the fact she is committed to a marriage and is faithful to her husband. 

~*~ CAST ~*~

Theodore 'Ted' Armstrong:  Seth Green

Stanley 'Stan' Armstrong (Ted's brother): Hugh Jackman

Cedric 'Ced' Ferguson (Scot Comic Book Store Owner): Simon Pegg

Earl Armstrong (Dad): Clint Eastwood

Francine Armstrong (Mom): Meryl Streep

Debbie Dauzs (Ted's interest): Cameron Diaz

Geoffrey Dauzs: Stephen Colbert

Noogz (Stewart Cutkelvin): 

Boogz (Dustin 'Dusty' Cutkelvin):

Wolverine (Frank Isaac):

Dent (Oswald Dent): 

Monster(Vic Hummel): 

Bunny (Gerald Ortlicker):

Girl with Braces: (Myrtle Sands)

Mrs. April Petersen:

Mr. Bob Petersen:

Melissa ‘Missy’ Wilder: Scarlet Johansen

Scene 1—Reminiscing

Movie starts with the "Everyday Superhero" song by Smashmouth, a montage plays of Ted's bedroom, his Spiderman shorts on his exercise bench and weights(with cobwebs on ‘em), his action figs on the floor(flash back of him playing em as a kid) then a shot of his eyelids and what he's dreaming is him very muscular flying and saving an old lady from a truck, then beating bad guys who are robbing the bank, then saving a kid from almost falling of a tree trying to get his cat, the cat jumps into Ted's arms and licks his face. Then the cat looks at him and says "Wake up Ted...Wake up Ted".

Ted: (wakes up, in a bit of a daze)  Huh? what?

Stan: Having another wet dream about Spiderman?

Ted: For the last time, I don't like Spiderman that way!

Stan: Sure you don't, I see your semen all over your boxers.

Ted (rubs eyes, groggily): It's milk I spilled last night

Stan: When are you getting out of this cave, dude?

Ted: (ego a bit bruised but un phased) I've gone out.

Stan: Getting pizza from the doorstep isn't considered going out. 

Ted: (starting to defend himself, a little pouty)  Well...

Stan: And so is going to the bathroom. Anyways, get dressed we're going out.

Ted: (pouting) I don't wanna. (covers self with blanket)

Stan: Yes you do wanna

Ted: I don't wanna

(a little fight over the covers)

-you do wanna

-I don't wanna

-you do wanna

-I don't wanna

-You do wanna

-I don't wanna

-You don't wanna

-I do wanna

Stan: Gotcha. You've been falling for it since you were 5.

Ted: Well it's a mean trick. (sighs while putting on his ripped jeans and iron man shirt)

Stan: I said we're going out not hunting for nerds. Shower ! Cause you smell like a dead fish on a dead bear’s carcass in the middle of July laying on the side walk of an Indian town. Put these on and I’ll wait for you downstairs.

Ted gets downstairs wearing a black suit, white shirt and red tie.

Stan: Sharpest you ever looked, bro.

Ted: (in a rather prickly way)  Shut up !

Stan: (mumbles to self) If only there were suits for your manners !

(End scene)

Scene 2:

Stan and Ted walking to the car.

Ted: Where are we going?

Stan: To a nice place I know ! 

Ted: Don't tell me to another club, cause you remember last time

Flash back: Ted looks at a girl, drunk and says: You look like mother Theresa(The girl was a large black woman). She replies , Really? He nods, then she punches him, hard, square in the jaw.  

Stan: Well you were drunk course that'll happen. 

Ted: Hmm...remember when I wasn't drunk ? 

Flash back: Ted looks at a girl that actually looks like and is dressed like  Mother Theresa. He tries to fight it...trying to think about something to say but nothing comes up...he bites his lip, covers his mouth a vein pops. She looks at him and waves "hi" to him. He waves back smiling very forcefully. She asks him "i'm going to a Halloween party, wanna come?". Ted: Oh thank God. So...are you going as Mother Theresa? She replies:"What makes you say that?" He waves up and down stating in hand motion that what she's wearing is what made get that assumption. She then says cross armed and pissed, "I'm not in costume yet". The montage shatters like glass

Stan: OK, that was one girl at least.

Ted: And that other time?

Stan: What other time?

Flash back: Lots of women around Ted drinking and talking to one another in Mother Theresa outfits.

Stan: OK OK I get your point. But this club is different. We'll have fun and there are lots of girls there.

Ted: Alright fine. But if I’m not having a good time for one minute I’m gonna call a cab and go home.

Stan: You won't have to, I’ll drive you back myself.

They reach the club which is called "CLUCKYub"

Ted: Cluckyub? Who owns that?...Oh you got to be kidding me.

A huge Statue of Stan is right on top of the club doing the 70's dance pose.

Stan and Ted walk in and people are dressed as different comic book  superheroes. For its comic night. In the background there's a guy wearing the Eddie Murphy outfit from "Raw" yelling at a large and muscular nerd security guard with glasses: “It said comic night!" Security guard says: “There’s a picture of a comic book and Superman posing...You think he wants to ask why did the chicken cross the intergalactic anomaly?" Nerds snicker behind him.

Stan: We'll have the Unlucky Ted.

Ted: You named a drink after me?

Stan: (bright but rather sly grin) Sure did. 

Ted: (A bit flattered) I dunno what to say…I...(realization dawns on him suddenly) HEY !…Unlucky? Why am I unlucky?

Stan: I don't know, my agent said it had a good ring to it if I'm ever gonna name a drink after you.

Ted: Fair enough. What's in it by the way?

Stan, looks around: I don't know. But it's been called the strongest drink around.

A guy behind him asks for the "Unlucky Ted" and as soon as he drank it he fell backwards choking and the bartender and a bunch of guys jumped on him like football players. Ted looks at them shocked and throws away the drink. Then as soon as Stan looks at him he makes it look like he drank it all.

Ted: mmmmm...tasty.

Stan: Glad you liked it.

Ted: Sure did...Hey who is that?

A girl in a Hawkgirl outfit get's on the stage and starts singing "Girls just wanna have fun" and dancing

Stan: That's Debbie. She's new in town. Her dad owns most of the landmarks in Philadelphia and Chicago. He's got his own channel and he's the one that started "G-743".

Ted: I love that drink. Wait a minute. Her dad is that big shot billionaire Stan Dausz?

Stan: The one and only !

Ted: I hate that guy. He put DC out of business ‘cause he wanted to buy it and change it into a clothing line.

Stan: Well then i guess the apples is way further than the tree because Debbie bought most of the comic stores in Philly. She even help create Ultra Atomic Comics.

Ted: Her??

Stan: Yyyyep. (takes a sip of his glass)

Ted: Hmmm..(looks at her mesmerized as the spotlight flashes really bright as Debbie ends her song)

Camera cuts to next scene quickly

Scene 3

The lights of Stan’s car stops shining at the screen.

Ted and Stan knocks on the door of nice looking house with a blue door.

A nice Lady opens the Door

She asks: Hey Stanley...how are you?

Stan: Am good Mrs. Peterson, how about yourself ?

April:  Couldn't be better, come to think of it.   What brings you and Ted over ?

Stan:  We smelled meat on the grill. 

Ted:  It's been forever since either one of us has eaten a good steak.  

April:  Bob's in back, working his magic as always.  

Stan:  Where are the kids ?

April:  Karen and Fran are at a slumber party.   (smiles sweetly, becoming nostalgic)  It's incredible how fast they grow up.   Bob's not looking forward to keeping the boys away with a steel-plated bat though.   He can be a little overprotective sometimes.  

Ted:  (looking at photos)  These are of Karen and Fran ?

April:  Yes, indeedy.  

Ted:  (astonished)  They do grow up fast.  My gosh, last time I remember, I had come over to their birthday party.  Hard telling them apart, too.  

April:  (laughing)  You get used to that.  They have their own unique qualities.

Why so glum, though, Ted ?   I can tell you're not really interested in talking about the twins.  

Ted:  (winces)  You pegged me that quickly ?

April:  (gently)  A mother always knows, Ted.  What's up ? 

Stan: (patting his hand)  The poor sap's in love with a married woman.

Ted:  (a bit sadly)  She's perfect, April.   Only problem is she's married to millionaire Geoff Dauz. 

April:  Oh, hon...I am so sorry. 

Ted:  Seeing her with him at the club (exhales harshly) nearly tore me in two.

Thought I was going to die of heartache.   (trying to hold back tears)  Why are all the good ones taken ? 

Stan:  That's what you have believed for many years, and it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Ted:  (bitterly)  You aren't helping, Ted.  

Stan:  (a bit embittered, rashly)  Excuse me, then, Ted.   I'm just saying...if you didn't sabotage yourself maybe some lucky gal would give you a fighting chance.

Ted:  (tries to think of a witty retort and stops himself)  You know ?  You're right.

As always.   I gotta stop moping around.  Bob's making his world famous t-bone steak, all is right with the world.   Even the darkest of depressions is nothing compared to its succulent savoriness.  

Bob:  (boisterously)  Steaks done, and whatever you want to drink, m'friends, it's on the house. 

Ted:  Last one into the backyard'll be sorry...I'm gonna eat every last morsel off that grill, even if it means burning off my lips ! 

Stan:  (patting April's hand)  He doesn't really mean that, you know.

April:  I know hyperbole when I hear it, but flattered by the compliment nonetheless.  

Ted: (talking aside to Bob)  April’s absolutely amazing...Stan’s probably the luckiest man I know.

Bob:  Are you saying that because you have a thing for her, too ?  Bro, not cool.

Ted:  Bob, I can’t flipping help the way I feel.  The moment when I saw her I just lost all power of reason.

Bob:  Burgers, brats, dogs, the whole works.  What a better way to celebrate National Burger Month ?   Best month EVER !  

April:  (gathers them around)  And of course, T-bone steaks for everyone, marinated with a little bit of Beam. 

Stan:  Sweetness.  

Ted:  Thanks. 

Bob:   A little meat’s bound to make anyone’s day.  Especially sad sack over here.

Ted:  You know I can hear you, right ? 

Stan:  (chuckling) 

Ted: (a bit reluctant but finally comes out and says it)  Why is it every time I want something, I can’t have it ?   It really sucks big time monkey balls.  

Bob:  Ted, what are you doing ?   Stop.  

Ted:  No, Bob.   I can’t.   I know we’re all friends and we’ve been so for like, eons.  I can’t hold back any longer.   Alice, I know you’re married but I’ve loved you since the time I first laid eyes on you.   It’s tearing me apart.

Stan:  It’s a bit too late to be telling her this now. 

Ted:  I know that.   Don’t be a Captain Obvious.   Look, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to ruin this fine cookout, which by the way, is totally kickass.  

Bob:  (feeling extremely satisfied)  Thanks ! 

Ted:  I think it would be proper to excuse myself.   Forgive me.  (starts to walk away, tears nearly blinding him) 

Alice:  Wait, Ted.  No…you can stay ! 

Bob:  Yeah, this is something we can all work through.

Ted:  (turning around, crying bitterly)  You always say that Bob.  Remember back when we were kids and our only sanctuary was the comic shop ?  You always said, ‘Hey dude !  I’ve got your back’.   Bullshit !  It was Cedric that stood in for us.  You were too much of a wuss to fight back against those lame-assed bullies. 

Remember when you told me there was a speed dating forum in town ? You tried to help as a wingman that night but it totally backfired.   I made a fool out of myself and for what !  I got laughed at, ridiculed, ran into a cocktail waitress and got a Bloody Mary all over my freakin’ shirt.  It took about 10 washes to get that damned tomato stain out of it.   I didn’t want to go out ever again after that debacle.  

Stan:  But you did.  Your luck seems to be turning for the better, bro.   You can’t just give up.  I know you feel life dealt you a bad hand…(puts his hand around him)

Ted:  (jerking away quickly)  Don’t TOUCH me !  

Bob:  Listen to me.   Ted, please.  We are going to get you through this.  Don’t do anything stupid, alright ?   It’s not worth it.   The past is gone.   There are plenty of things to look forward to.   I know of a happenin’ club not far from here called Juniper’s.   I have connections and I can get you in for free. 

Ted:  I don’t think I have any game anymore. 

Alice:  If you can get me all choked up with poems you’ve recited by memory, my GOD man, some woman is gonna be one lucky dame to get you. 

Bob:  (snuggling up to her)  You know I was going to say I was jealous but no need. 

Ted:  (sniveling) Thanks for the vote of confidence.  This is my last hurrah guys.  I have to make this one count.  

Stan:  We believe in you !  

Alice:  Yeah, go knock ‘em out, handsome.  

Bob:  (leers at her, feigning some jealousy) 

Alice:  Hey, I call it like I see it, Bob, my love.  He’s hot, unlucky or not !  

(Scene fade) 

Scene 4

(Ted comes to Juniper’s alone without his wingman.  He feels a bit self-conscious since it’s his first time in a club with no ‘net of support’.  ‘Hey Mama Ma, Hey Mama Ma’ plays in the background and he seems to be fitting in nicely until he trips and knocks into someone.  He backs away, embarrassed.  Then, he bumps into a real knockout.) 

Ted:  (too stunned and smitten to speak) 

(‘Tell Her You Love Her’ plays in the background as he begins to stammer) 

Melissa:  Cat got your tongue, good looking ?  (she laughs) 

Ted:  (inhales and exhales)  Alright, here goes nothing.  What’s your name, you stunning specimen of the fairer sex ?

Melissa:  I’m Melissa Wilder.  You can call me Missy.  Everyone else does.

Ted:  Well, then, Missy.  I guess tonight’s my lucky night.  I’m Ted. 

Melissa:  Nice to meet you ! 

Ted:  (sings Missy So Fine)

Melissa:  (laughing out loud)  Did you write that on the spot ?

Ted:  (loosening his tie, clearing his throat)  Yup.  You like, pretty woman ?

Melissa:  Actually, I do.  You’ve got talent.  Good thing I came to Juniper’s.  The night’s about to get interesting.  

(‘Talk Dirty To Me’ plays and the two of them have a blast dancing together.)

Missy:  (chuckle)  Not once did I step on your toes, or trip over my own !  Can you imagine ? 

Ted:  No, I’m witnessing it for myself.  I’ve got the same trouble.  I’m kind of a klutz, sad to say.  

Noogz:  What do we have here, brother ?

Boogz:  If it ain’t little weasel Ted.   How adorable !  He’s got a cute girlfriend.

Ted:  Missy, stay behind me.  These guys are bad news. 

Missy:  You don’t need to tell me.  I can smell the big one’s rancid breath from here.   Hey, you !

Noogz:  Yeah, what ya want, toots ?  Wanna ditch this loser and head out with a real man ?  

Missy:  I think I have found a real man.  Besides, your breath smells like your guts are rotting away !  

Wolverine:  Ha ha !  BURN !   She got you good, Noogz !  

Noogz:  Shaddup !   I was in a good mood until you popped up.   You’re like a bad zit.  Only coming out at the worst possible time. 

Ted:  I want no quarrel with you, or your goons.  Just leave us to enjoy a night of pure diversion. 

Noogz:  Inasmuch that I would adore to do that…(blocks his way out)

Ted:  Missy, make a break for it ! 

Missy: (she starts to run for the door but is obstructed by Dent and Monster.  Dent doesn’t really want to restrain her but Monster is more than happy to do his leader’s bidding)  Unhand me you beastly brute ! 

Ted:  Get your paws off her, you damned dirty bear !  

Noogz:  Poor little mama’s boy gonna cry about it ? 

Missy: (turns around, knees him in the crotch)  Make a run for it Ted !  

(They both make a mad dash for the door and drive away before Noogz and the others can catch up to him.) 

Missy:  Who were those maniacs ?   

Ted:  Just some idiots from my past.  They were bullies who loved to pick on me and my brother back in school.

Missy:  Guess they never got over that.  Talk about obsessive compulsive. 

Ted:  More like creepy bordering on homicidal.  

Missy:  He won’t be messing with us anytime soon.

Ted:  Not if he wants another foot to the balls.   (winces)  Remind me not to corner you.   You were unreal.  

Missy:  All those karate classes counted for something.  I’m a seventh daun black belt.  

Ted:  Holy crap.   You never cease to impress.  

Missy:  I’ve never seen you at Juniper before.  I’m really happy I met you and made your acquaintance. 

Ted:  I was hoping it could be more than that.  Being around you seems to have annulled my unluckiness.

Missy;  Same here !   (laughing, almost in disbelief, feeling slightly dubious)  I was thinking, ‘This has to be some kind of freak fluke !’, but there you have it.  No more foul tidings.   I don’t even need this gross thing anymore.  (Holds up turquoise colored rabbits foot and chucks it out the car window)  Poor bunny.  He’s the unlucky one for losing a foot, all due to a dumb superstition.

Ted:  Heh.  I never did understand why an appendage of another animal would be seen as fortuitous.  

(They both laugh) 

Missy:   We have to do this again.   (pats his hand gently) 

Ted:  (squeezes her hand back)  Agreed.   Next Friday, 6:00 pm sharp ?

Missy:  It’s a date, Ted.   See you around. 

Ted:  (dancing away in his car to ‘What is Love’) 

(narrating)  I couldn’t believe what had just occurred.  I had to tell my brother.  It felt all too good to be true, but I was too blazed by joviality to even care about the possibility of another shoe dropping.   As far as I was concerned, the other shoe didn’t even exist.  

Scene 6

Stan:  What brings you to my humble abode, bro ? 

Ted:  (dancing about, merrily)  I met a gorgeous dame !  She was even unluckier than me, but it seems I’m not unlucky anymore, due to being around her.

Stan:  Never heard of such a thing before, but I suppose stranger things have happened. 

Ted:  It’s a bloody miracle, Stan.  I even have a second date with her.

Stan:  (big slap on the back)  You go, Ted !   You are a man transformed.

Ted:  Yes, but it was all thanks to you, Bob and Alice that I decided to push myself beyond my comfort zone and get myself back out there.  

Stan:  What’s her name ?

Ted:  Her name’s Melissa, or Missy.  We’ve got a ton in common.  We like the same basketball and baseball teams.  Her football team rivals mine but no big thing.  We’re not going to be alike in every little thing.   Honestly though, I’ve never been so euphoric.  I feel like I could soar. 

Stan:  (hugging him close)  Ah, l’amor.   The power of love, bro.  Ain’t it a beautiful thing ? 

Ted:  It’s outstanding !   (narrating)  Everything moved by so quickly it felt like I was on an out of control Tilt-O-Whirl.   It wasn’t a bad ride though.  I was savoring every last minute of it ! 

(We see a clip show of Ted’s life leading up to one of the best and most endearing moment, his wedding.   Everyone is there to celebrate, even his tormentors, who have decided to finally apologize.  ‘Laa da deeda do’ plays in the background.)

Scene 7

Debbie:  So glad we could come ! 

Geoff:  The club’s still doing Geoff-tastic thanks to the Unlucky Ted.

Ted:  You don’t say.  Owe it to my bro, he was the one that developed the beverage. 

Stan:  Yeah, but you were the inspiration.

Ted:  (laughs)  To think that I’m not anymore is sort of an irony, but at least we can laugh about it. 

Geoff:  Yeah, all the way to the bank, baby ! 

(they all chortle a bit)

April:  (shakes head)  What are those scumbags doing here ?   Did you invite them, Ted ?

Ted:  No, they weren’t on my guest list ! 

Bunny:  No, no, wait.  Here us out !  Don’t just toss us to the curb.  (A line of nudges forms from Bunny all the way up to Noogz.)

Noogz:  (groans)  Yeah, I know I made your years in school a living hell. 

Ted:  (Tsks and rolls his eyes) 

Noogz:  I realize what I did was wrong.  Those years back at Juniper I still had an unrelenting desire to make your life miserable.   Looking back, we all know now it was the wrong thing to do. 

Boogz:  We’re sorry.  I know it’s probably a measly, piss-poor apology…

Ted:  You guys were just doing what came naturally.  It’s tough making a change to set-in habits. 

Wolverine:  He’s right there.   All of us have changed though.  I’m an accountant.  I know I don’t look it, but all I crunch are numbers now. 

Dent:  Oddly enough, I sell cars. 

Bunny:  Dent’s a pretty incredible salesman, most honest dude I know.  (makes explosion noise)  Mind blown, am I right ?  

Ted:  Doubtless.   What brought about the sudden repentance ? 

Noogz:  (whistles for his wife to come by, who is a bit shy) 

(Ted has a bit of a flashback about a girl with braces the gang used to pick on but he and his brother would make her laugh and help her walk away from their mockery.) 

Ted:  No way !  You married Myrtle ! 

Myrtle:  Yes, and no more braces !  (she flashes forth her best, most winning smile)  Thanks to Noogie’s work, my health care plan paid them off in full.  (kisses him)  He’s so thoughtful, kind and generous. 

Noogz:  You’re embarrassing me, dear. 

Myrtle:  It’s the truth. 

Ted:  It is true then, love really can move mountains.  

(‘For Once In My Life’ plays in the background.) 

Ted:  Ooh, gotta jet.  They’re playing our song  ! 

(They dance to it, ‘We Are Family’, ‘YMCA’ and other rather uplifting songs.) 

Ted:  (narrating)  The other shoe never did really drop.  I was worried over nothing.  My worst enemies had been transformed all because of the ripple effect of love.  Miraculous, really.   I did see the gang from time to time, but now they were doing good.   I had found true happiness with Missy and we were living it up on Cabo San Lucas.   Ah, yeah.  This is definitely the life.  Things can only get better from here.  

(A swing version of ‘South of the Border’ plays as bloopers are shown and the credits roll.  ‘I’ll Be There For You’, plays and ‘All Star’ follows.)