Tom and Harry vs. The Mob

Parental advisory:  I do realize this is much 'tamer' than Crimson Dona and Rise of the Blue Butterfly, but there are still profanities involved, so, proceed with caution and at your own risk, capice ?   ;)   

Synopsis:   A tale of two brothers miffing off the wrong people and by some act of providence are able to save their sorry skins from being whacked (and the 6:00 news).   My first real attempt at making a comedy based off of such films like Mafia, The Family, Mickey Blue Eyes, and Analyze This/That.  

~*~CAST~*~

Tom Carter:  Stephen Colbert

Cynthia Carter:  (Tom’s wife) Steve’s actual wife

Irene Marie Carter:  (their little girl)

Harry Carter:  John Stewart

Linda Carter: (their mom)  Uma Thurman

Vanessa White: Mila Kunis 

Don Nelson Vino:  Robert DeNiro

Brandy: (Don’s goomar) Jamie Lynn-Sigler

Candy: (Don’s goomar #2)  Drea DeMatteo

Tandy:  (Don’s goomar #3) Cote DePaulo

Mandy: (Don’s goomar #4)  Edie Falco

Frankie ‘Flatfoot’ Faro:  Al Pachino

Giovanni ‘Gorgeous’ Derusso:  Joe Pesci

Luigi Addario:  Tony Sirico  

Mario Addario:  Steve VanZant

Sammy ‘Sam’ Seminara: Michael Imperioli

Neapolitan ‘Neo’ Martini: Steve Buscemi  

Vincent ‘Vinny” Spalda:   Frederico Castelluco

Cicero Lombardi:  Vincent Pastore

Rockford ‘Rocky’ Gano:  Joey Pantoleono

Silvio ‘Sil’ Spina:  Steve Schrippa

Charles Wilcox:  (car salesman)  Rob Schneider

Scene 1—A Brand New Car  

(‘It’s Just Another Day’ plays in the background as Tom and Harry return from work to come home to their mother and see how she’s doing.  They both hug her and kiss her on the cheeks and she grabs them close, pinching their behinds in return.) 

Tom/Harry:  (embarrassed)  MOTHER !

Linda:   What ? Can’t a mom show her boys a little affection ? 

Tom:  You do that every single day.   It’s really mortifying.   I mean, what if my friends see you do that ?

Linda:  We’re at home.  We’re not in a public place.  What I do in the shadows doesn’t matter.  (she laughs) 

Harry:  Ah, ma.  You never change.   What is that delectable aroma though ?

Linda:  I made meatloaf, corn on the cob, peas and brownies for dessert.  Top it all off with a little mashed potatoes made with buttermilk and you have a repast for kings.

Tom:  And one queen, mom you’re a jewel ! 

Harry:  How can you do all that by yourself ?  

Linda:  I manage.  I know since papa passed it’s been hard to make ends meet, but I am getting along just fine.   I hope you don’t mind me asking for handouts every so often. 

Harry:  Why would we mind ? 

Linda:  (serving them food, they all sit)  I just thought I was imposing. 

Tom:  You’re not, mom.  However, you are in need of a new car. 

Harry:   Wait, we gotta pray before we eat this incredible feast…Come Lord Jesus be our guest, and thy gifts to us be blessed. 

All:   AMEN.  

Linda:   How close are you to purchasing one ?

Harry:  Actually we’re not too far away in getting the perfect deal for you.

Tom:  I did all the Kelly Blue Book background check on it.   No one’s gonna nickel and dime us.  

Harry:  I’m so happy you’re smarter than me when it comes to autos or car salesmen. 

Tom:  (beams a massive, gleeful grin)   That’s why genetics dealt you a trump card in the form of me, Harry ! 

Harry:  Egotistic much ?  

(They’re really lavishing over their food.) 

Linda:  When will you be getting it ? 

Tom:  Tomorrow, actually.   I can’t believe we closed the deal so quickly. 

Linda:  I couldn’t want for better sons than the two of you.   You’re such a blessing to me.  

Harry:  (filling up on dessert)  My God, mama.   This is one of your best dinners yet.  They just keep improving.   I’m in heaven. 

Tom:  Me too.  What did you put in this meatloaf ?

Linda:  A touch of brandy.   Brings out the flavor. 

Both:  Orgasmic ! 

Linda:  Awkward coming from my own sons, but hey, a compliment’s a compliment.   I ain’t choosy.   

Tom:  We’d love to stick around.  We’ll help clean up. 

Linda:  You don’t need to do that.  You’ve got your own homes to take care of.  

Especially you, Tom.  What about Cynthia ?  

Tom:  (getting a bit excited)  I have sensational news.  Cyn’s PREGO ! 

Harry:  Tom, you dog !   When did you find out ?  

Tom:  Only a few days ago.  We don’t know what it’s going to be, but we’re over the moon. 

Harry:  I bet.  You two have been goin’ at it quite a bit too. 

Tom:  Harry, exnay on the ex-say alk-tay.  

Linda:   You know I’ve heard it all before.   Your father was an extraordinary lover…

(They both plug their ears.) 

Tom/Harry:  (Together but at different times)  Not listening, cleaning up the dishes. 

(As they do so, they dance to ‘Get On Up’ and leave the kitchen sparkling before saying goodbye to their mother.)

Linda:  Mazels on the baby, Tom.   You and Cyn deserve only the pinnacle and bismuth, the acme and the paramount !  

Tom:  Thanks madre.  

Harry:  See you later mom.   Call us down anytime you’re in need.  We’ll bring your brand spankin’ new car by tomorrow. 

Linda:  Goodnight, my good looking, handsome, dapper, dashing, debonair males.

Tom/Harry:  Night, ma.  

(Scene fade) 

Scene 2-- Making the Wrong People Mad

(‘Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On my Head’ plays in the background.  Although it is a rainy day, it doesn’t seem to keep our boys’ determination down.   They are about to drive away in their mom’s new car until they come across some rather well-dressed men.) 

(Telltale mandolins play as our formidable gangsters hash out their beef with Mr. Wilcox, the poor guy !)    

Nelson:  Woah, woah, woah.  Just hold on one mo’ here, Charlie. 

Charlie:  What’s the matter, Mr. Vino ?  (adjusting his tie nervously)  I haven’t done anything to offend you, have I ? 

Nelson:  Oh, no.  Nothing of the sort, my good man.  

Charlie:  Then, what seems to be the problem ? 

Frankie:  It’s these schmucks ! 

Tom:  Hey, woah.  Hold it. 

Harry:  Yeah, why are we schmucks ?  What did we do ? 

Mario:  You want this car ?  You’re gonna have to go through us.  

Charlie:  Wait, fellas.   These two guys, they bought it fair and square. 

Luigi:  Nah, nah, nah.   Chuck, buddy, pal.   Listen.   We’ve wanted this car for weeks.  You can’t just let these two mooks drive away with it.  

Tom:  We already made the deal.  Signed, sealed, delivered.   I don’t know who you think you are, but we’ve got everything in writing.   Deal with it ! 

Nelson: (becoming irate) Excuse me ?  Did you just say ‘deal with it’ ?

Harry:  Bad move, bro.  

Tom:  Thank you Captain Obvious.   Look, I’m sorry.  I was feeling a little bit frazzled.  My mom really needs this car.  Try to understand.  Her other one’s a real beater. 

Harry:  He’s right.  It’s no wonder that jalopy can get from point A to point B without breaking down in the middle of the road.  

Neo:  Sad as your ma’s plight might be, you have no idea whom you are dealing with.

Cicero:  None.  

Harry:  Neither of us care !   Come on, be reasonable.   Let’s just drive the car home.  

Vincent:  This won’t be the last time you see or hear from us. 

Harry:  Oooo, I’m shakin’ in my spats.   

Tom:  Harry, enough.  Don’t put yourself on their level.  (to Chuck)  We’ll take our vehicle now.  Thank you very much.

Charles:   Yeah, good luck you two.   Woo boy.   

(scene shift) 

Scene 3—Dinner with the Mafia

(Tom drives the new car to his mom’s place and Harry isn’t too far behind.  They see that their mother has company, which isn’t like her.) 

Harry:  We saw those cars earlier at the dealership. 

Tom:  (rueing the day already)  Don’t tell me.  

Together:  We were followed. 

Harry: By those rude, loud, obnoxious jerks ! 

Tom:  Isn’t that a bit judgmental ?

Harry:  After the way they treated us ?   I hardly doubt it.   I guess they’re still miffed about the car.   We bought it fair and square, so there’s no foul play here. 

Linda:  (sitting down to dinner with a large Italian meal)  Oh, hi ! 

(The boys sing ‘What Do We Got Here’) 

Linda:  Mafia ?  Really ?  (laughs so hard she can barely contain herself)  Seriously though.  You’re probably just stand up comedians because that’s hysterical. 

Nelson:  Nope, that’s straight up fact.   I’m Don Nelson, and this is my crew.    

Sil:  How ya doin’ ? I’m Silvio, Sil for short.   This is Vinny, Mario, Luigi, Rocky, Cicero, Neo, Gorgeous, and Flatfoot. 

Rocky:  Give us our car back.  

Linda:  Surely we can come to some sort of agreement.   There must be a nicer vehicle on Wilcox’s lot you want.  

Sammy:  She does have a point there. 

Vincent:  Sam, shut the fuck up.

Linda:  Language ! 

Vincent:  (chagrinned)  Sorry.  We’re just not used to being around real women like yourself. 

Neo:   Preach, Vinny.  I mean MADDON !  Look at her tits !  They are the envy of Venus di Milo.   I could play canasta on them !   Just staring at them is making my linguine stiff, if you get my meaning. 

Linda:  (blushing darkly)  No one has ever said that to me before. 

Neo:  Well they should Linda.  And, notwithstanding, you are appropriately named.  In Spanish, ‘Linda’ means ‘pretty’.  You are a sex bomb, doll. 

Linda:  (lowering her head, tittering)  Oh, my !  I feel like a schoolgirl ! 

Tom:  Stop flirting with my mother, you scuzbags. 

Geo:  (rears back and punches him, hard)  Don’t insult us, asshole ! 

Mario: (holds him back)  Gorgeous, that was a bit extreme.

Geo:  Hey, no one insults our family.  

Luigi:  Granted.  Let us hear out their mama, though.  She’s such a charming, dainty, spectacular female. 

Linda:  Oh, come on, Luigi.  You flatterer.  

Luigi:  (kissing her hand)  I only speak the truth.

Nelson:  That he does.  Luckily my goomars aren’t here.  If they knew I was even near you or eating your food, they’d have my stugots in their next Italian sub. 

Vinny:  (winces)  Yeah, those gals can be a bit jealous at times.  It’s a wonder he can keep them all satisfied without them getting into catfights and losing each other’s eyeballs or other body parts.  

Linda:  I’ve been wanting a better vehicle for years and only now have my boys been able to buy one. 

Sam:  Such good boys !  

Linda:  (grinning)  I know, right ? 

Tom:  I can ask Chuck to get you a good rate on a car similar to ma’s.   It’s the least I can do after being such a prick earlier.  

Mario:  No hard feelings. 

Nelson:  That’s not how it works with us, though.  You see, we’re a bit stubborn.   When we like what we see, we go for it.   So, we’re going to play a game of pool for it. 

Linda:   How innovative !  

Harry:   That’s the most im….(Tom stamps on his foot hard) incredible thing I have ever heard…OW, Chrysler building, Tom !  That smarts ! 

Frankie:  (gives Tom a card)  This is where the contest will be held.  

Geo:  Come by at 5:00 sharp.  

Vinny:  Don’t be late, capice.  

(They walk out, Sam ‘inconspicuously’ purloins a brownie, and then takes a whole shirt-full of them while nibbling on a square as he exits along with his cohorts.) 

Linda:  Gee, they really didn’t seem so bad.  Pretty bang up guys. 

Tom:  Yeah, if you mean ‘BANG’ you’re dead, deep sixed and swimming with the fishes. 

Harry:  Why did I have to insult them ?   Why did I have to open my big stinkin’ mouth ? 

Tom:  (pats on the back)  Har, you weren’t thinking.  We were both under considerable stress.  

Linda:  Don’t worry about it.   (singing ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy’) 

Tom/Harry:  Not helping ma.  Inasmuch as that is the most jovial song ever written. 

Linda:  (clears throat, sings ‘Hakuna Matata’)   Don’t fret.  It’ll be alright in the end.  And if it is not yet alright, it’s not yet the end. 

Tom:  Glad to hear you’re still overtly optimistic. 

(They both nervously chortle while they walk away, bidding their mom a fond farewell.)

Harry:  I just hope this isn’t going to be the end of Tom and Harry Carter.   I’ve got so much to look forward to.  And you, Tom, you’re moving up in the world too, especially with that hot item, Vanessa. 

Tom:  (bashfully looks down for a second, blithely, dreamily, completely smitten)  Vanessa…Va va VOOOOOOOOM, kapow !  (Imitating exploding sounds)

Harry:  (laughs)  I’ve got Cyn and the baby to keep me going, and you have va-va Vanessa.  Keep that in mind. 

Tom:  I think ma’s sensational singing has finally brainwashed you.

Harry: Shut up and be positive for once, you downer ! 

(They laugh for a minute, rather nervously while coming to the ‘secret’ locale the gangsters told them of.)

Scene 4—Pool Sharks

(The theme from the latest Grey Goose commercial plays in the background while the gang looks positively dashing, debonair and frankly, deadly.)  

Harry: (mouthing to him)  I want that suit. 

Tom:  Yeah, you and half the guys in the world with deep pockets ! 

Nelson:   (Looking at his watch)  Punctuality.   I am impressed, fellas.  

Harry:   Carters always keep their word. 

Nelson:  Who knows, maybe in another life, we could’ve worked together ?  

Tom:  Lofty as the compliment is, I’d like us to get down to business. 

Frankie:  Woah-ho-ho, looks like someone is serious about our competition. 

Tom:  When it comes to our ma…

Together:  We’re hella serious.  

Sil:  (Stifeled laugh)  Hella. What are you, hipsters ?

Cicero:  Enough dicking around.   Let’s play.  

Vinny:  (racking up the pool balls)  Let the game commence.

Rocky:  (at the chalkboard)  I’ll keep score.  

(The theme to the Hustler plays in the background while Nelson racks up the points without even thinking.) 

Nelson:  (All the goomars on his arm are savoring every succulent victory)  You dames always bring me good luck. 

Mandy:  We can all blow on your stick, and multiply your luck by 1,000. 

Cote: Not that you need it, handsome ! 

(They all laugh, leaning on him and rubbing his arms suggestively) 

Nelson:  You’re boosting more than my confidence, ladies. 

(Girlish titters) 

Tom:  (trying not to get distracted by the obvious amorousness in the room)  Can someone hand me a glass cold water ? 

Harry:  Damn it, same here. 

Neo:  Here ya go, ya horny bastards.   Not that I blame yas. 

(They pour the water over themselves.) 

Tom: Alright, time out.   Give us a little moment to regroup.

Geo:  Take all the time ya want. 

Luigi:  It ain’t like ya gonna win !  

(They laugh derogatorily.) 

Tom:  (aside)  Don’t pay any attention to these wankers.  They’re just trying to mess with us. 

Harry:  Captain Obvious being obvious.  AGAIN.  What do we do though ?  They’re superior.  We’re not going to get the car to ma and we’ll have to start over from square freakin’ one. 

Tom:  Harsh downer, dude.  Major bummage. 

Harry:  (stifles a snicker) 

Tom:  There’s that smile.  That’s the bro I love and know. 

(‘The Isthmus’ by Loaf plays in the background while Tom and Harry reassemble themselves.   Suddenly, the tide turns in their favor, and even with the ‘encouragement’ of the goomars, the mafia loses.  They all whisper to one another; Geo recounts the score.) 

Geo:  Tom and Harry are the decided winners in this case. 

Mario:  Well, fuck me sideways.  

Nelson:  Normally I’d ask youse guys if you’d be up for more challenging games, such as squash, bowling, bocci or horseshoes.  

Luigi:   We were thinking of trying a game of baseball next, come to think of it. 

Nelson:  But no, that wouldn’t be fair, seein’ as you won.   No hard feelings, right ?  

(holds out his hand to offer it to be shaken) 

(Harry and Tom are a bit bewildered at first, and at a bit of a shock, seeing as they didn’t expect this particular outcome.) 

Tom:  Certainly, Mr. Vino.   Bygones and all that. 

Harry:  Maybe we can get you an even better deal on a car through Chuck ? 

Nelson:  Nah, Chuck knows me too.   I know exactly what I want.  Anything to make my femme fatales happy. 

Rocky:  The wife doesn’t seem to mind, either.  You lucky dog.  

Nelson:   Cora and I have a very open relationship.   Seems the goomars help to keep our sex life like a freakin’ supernova.   Get my meaning ? 

Tom:  There’s one mental image I wanted no part of. 

Harry:  (feels like he’s about to gag)  I’m with you there, bro.    Well, it’s been real.  

Tom:  Thanks for everything. 

(They begin to walk out, but Nelson grasps Tom by the arm.  He freezes up even though he has a very confident look on his face.  His stance would suggest that he is unafraid even though, ironically, but understandably, he is petrified.) 

Nelson:  We ain’t gonna be strangers anymore.  You got nuttin to worry about from us.  Consider us equals !    

Sil:  What Don Nelson means is that if ya ever need anything, anything at all, we’ll be willing to help. 

Neo:   Not to mention that gorgeous minx known as your mother.  MADDON !  

Sam:  Neo, don’t be gettin’ any ideas about Ms. Carter.  I don’t think she’s the remarryin’ type. 

Neo:  Damn.  Ah, well.   It was worth a shot, am I right ? 

(They all pat Neo on the shoulder, laughing) 

Nelson:  Come on, fellas !  Let’s let these guys get back to their mama and back to a normal life.   But don’t youse guys forget.  Any time you need us, capice ?

Tom:  Sure, sure. 
Harry:  No need to tell us twice !  

(Scene fade) 
Scene 5—New Baby On the Scene

Tom: Irene Marie, you are the cutest baby I ever did see !  (nuzzles her nose with hers making her giggle and coo)  Yes you are, yes you are ! 

Vanessa:  Someday, Harry, you know that’s going to be us !

Harry:  (sputtering on his coffee)  S-sure, it will be.  We haven’t worked out our wedding date yet.  One day at a time, sweetie. 

Vanessa: (joshing him and nudging him in the side)  I know, I know.  Just funnin’ with ya, love !  

(To a telltale gangster song that has mandolins in it, plays in the background as Nelson and his crew mosey on in.)  

Sil:  What would this auspicious occasion be without gifts and a bit of celebratory music ? 

(Their local DJ plays the jazz version of Scatman while the whole crew sets up a table fit for kings and queens.)  

Tom:  Leave it to the mob to overdo things. 

Luigi:  It’s not every day you christen your daughter after all.   (winks)  

Tom:   (surprised)  Gee, thanks.  I’m not sure what to say. 

Gio:  (to Linda)  Baby, you’re a supernova explosion.   You set my entire universe expanding…If you get my meaning.  (eyes look to his crotch)

Linda:  (Covers eyes)  Oh my  !

Vinny:  Gio, really.  That’s not appropriate.  

Gio:   So she’s not the remarrying type, so what ?   Doesn’t mean I can’t try fishin’ a little !  

(They all roll their eyes) 

(The whole lot of them savor the repast that has been set before them and little Irene is fawned over.)  

Tom:  (narrating)  It was surreal, but to be honest, neither one of us minded to be honest.   They were behind the scenes and we were never attached to their sallicous crimes. 

Harry: (narrating)  They weren’t all bad.   After all, they helped me get the fortitude to finally ask for Vanessa’s hand in marriage.   It only took a couple of weeks but she had been waiting a whole lot longer just for me to propose.  

Tom:  Harry is the flower that blooms in adversity.  

Harry:  Yes !  I’m the rarest and beautiful of them all. 

(They laugh) 

Harry:  Anyways, Vanny and I are happily married, and it may be that we will have our own little bundle of joy.

Tom:  (excitedly)  Then I can be Uncle Tom. 

Harry:   (opens mouth)

Tom:  Don’t even.   (pause)  Life continues to be sensational for us.   It’s funny though, any time we have a financial dilemma, the Mob helps us out.   We can never repay them. 

Harry:  Not to mention Irene has enough money to go to college, and she’ll probably be valedictorian if I know your genes.  

Tom:  (chuckling)   Don’t rule yourself out of the running yet.  Like you said, you could very well have a bun in the oven.  

Harry:  Wait, did Vanny tell you and mom before she told me ?   That little wench ! 

(They all laugh)  

Harry:   Always the last to know.   No respect.  No respect at all ! 

(Still laughing heartily)  

(Credits roll.  Gaffs and bloopers roll to ‘Padrino’ as sung by Smashmouth.   ‘Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangster’ plays as well as photo booth shots are shown of the entire family trying to stuff themselves in a booth for silly photos.   They’re seen in different pictures on rollercoasters, selfies at the beach, cookouts, night-light parties, rollerskating rinks, etc.   It’s silliness but it shows just how sweet the tough guys can be and that they really do care about our heroes.   Irene is shown at a later date looking at Vanessa and Tom’s baby boy in wonder, d’awwww.   Happy ends all around.)