The Hedonists

Synopsis:  A couple of empty nesters, rather buttoned up, prim and proper, thinks they are living next door to a family of 'swingers' .  There world gets turned on its ear once they meet the Gustarians. 

~*~CAST~*~

Dante Gustarian:

Cybil Gustarian:  

Natalie 'Nat' Gustarian/Avario: (eldest)

Julian Gustarian: (middle child)

Elias Gustarian:  (the youngest)

Tuvia Avario:  (Nat's husband) 

Zorba Avario: (their son)  

Agatha Avario:  (their daughter)

Halcyon: (the cat) 

Enceladus: (the dog)

Matthew 'Matt' Burns: 

Edna Burns: 

Trudy Burns/Shillket:  (only child)

Richard Shillket: 

Vern Shillket: (their son) 

Scene 1--The Shadows and Noise Next Door

Matt: (rolling over in bed and lightly prodding his wife's side to rouse her) Edna ?  Do you hear all that racket next door ?  

Edna:  How can I not, Matt, dearest ?   Sounds like monkeys in the jungle.  

Matt:  (stifles a laugh)  More like hyenas in heat.  

Edna:  It's like this every night.   I don't know about these new neighbors, these Gustarians.  

Matt:  I'd love to just waltz over there and kindly ask them to keep the moaning to a minimum. 

Edna:  Cara mio, that would be rude !   They don't know us from Adam.   Besides, they just moved in. 

Matt:   (sigh)  Since they've moved in, we haven't gotten a decent night's sleep.  

Edna:  That's what I brought these puppies !   (pulls out headphones and earplugs) 

Matt:  Edna, I adore you !   Since when did you have time to buy those ? 

Edna:  (cuddling close and kissing him)  On one of my outings after I called Trudy.

Matt:  How are she, Richard and Vern doing ?  

Edna:  Fine, actually.   Vern has been accepted into a prestigious University.  Looks like he'll be able to chase his dream of getting a life science degree.  He may be very well able to find the next source of renewable energy. 

Matt:  I always knew Vern was smart but he's gotta be some kind of genius. 
Edna: (playfully)  He gets it from my side of the family. 

Matt:  (kisses her) Both of our sides. 

(More moaning from next door follows) 

Edna:   (disgusted groan)  

(They both put on headphones and earplugs and plop into bed, spooning each other.  Scene fade to the next morning.  Shadows of people coming in and out of the Gustarian's residence can be seen looking very sated about something or other, but neither spouse can figure out what.) 

Edna:  What cha doin' ?

Matt:  Edna, cheese nips !   Don't sneak up on a guy like that !  Warn a fella first. 

Edna:  Sorry, dear.   So, you're spying on the next door neighbors.   (superciliously wriggles eyebrows and nudges him in the ribcage)  Nice.  Anything spicy continuations of last night ?

Matt:  No, but I saw these people coming out of the Gustarians' place with huge crockpots full of I don't know what.   

Edna:  I didn't know you had a bit of the voyeur in you.  

Matt:  You're doing it too, Edna !  You're just as guilty ! 

Edna: (teasing)  We're both so bad !   Ah !  Here they come !  Hide, hide in the bushes before they see us.  

Cybil:  Goodbye, dears.  Come back soon anytime.  That fudge won't go to waste I know.  

Nat:  You are indubitably right, mom.   You really must stop spoiling me ! 

Cybil:  It's what we Gustarians do.   We live lavishly.   After all...

Altogether:  You only live once ! 

(They laugh gleefully)  

Tuvia:  This recipe, really it's heavenly.  You have to get it from her someday. 

Nat:  Tuvia, my mom never reveals her secrets, but I'm sure if I can get her drunk enough someday, she'll spill it to me. 

Tuvia:  Sometimes, my little pear, you can be quite devious when you want to be.  (nibbles her neck) 

Nat:  Tuvia, not here.  Not in front of Zorba.

Zorba:  Mama, I'm a grown man.  I've seen things in papa's home country that would make sailors blush.    Hey, it's the neighbors !  (waves) 

(They wave back, a little awkwardly)  

Nat:  We've been thinking of having you all over soon. 

Matt:  (waving hands in front of him)  Oh, no.  No no no no no.  Nuuuuu.  We wouldn't want to impose.  

Tuvia:  Ah, but you don't know what you are missing.   Mother makes the most exquisite meals.   Be our guest.  

Edna:  (whispers)  We can finally see what these people do.

Matt:  (subtly, gritted teeth)  They're reprobates  !
Edna: (hard elbow to the breadbasket)  A bit extreme of a judgement.  We don't know if they are, Matthew.   Let's give them a chance, eh ? 

Matt:  (catching his breath)  Sounds fabulous.  Is this weekend free ?

Nat:  I believe it is.  We'll all gather around for a pleasant outdoor BBQ.   We'll be glad to get to know you better.  

Zorba:  We'll see you around !  (They all wave and walk away, chatting animatedly) 

Matt:  (suspiciously while they're out of earshot)  Just you wait, Gustarians.  We're going to figure out just what you do in the privacy of your own home. 

Edna:  I only hope we don't live to regret this though.

Matt:  (teasing nudge) Oh, come on.  Where's your sense of adventure, Edna ?   It'll be a blast  !   Think of it as a case from one of your detective novels.  

Edna:  I'll be Sherlock, and you be Watson.

Matt:  No...You're the more intelligent.  You're Doctor Watson.   I pale in comparison in intellect.

Edna: (kisses him)  I doubt that but saying so only makes me love you more, my sweet. 

(They kiss each other before heading back inside.  Scene fade.) 

Scene 2--Casual BBQ

Dante:  (welcoming the Burns family with warm hugs)  Come on outside.  Make yourself at home !  

Matt:  Gee, thanks.   I'm Matt, this is Edna. 

Cybil:   I'm Cybil, this is Dante.  You've already met Nat, Tuvia and Zorba.  They'll be here any moment now.  

Edna:  (to Matt)  Why are they only wearing robes ?

Matt:  (shrugs)  Dunno, but their pad is super cushy.  Look at this backyard, it's so lush.  The flowers are beautiful. 

Dante:  Ah, gardening is just a past-time of ours.   Amongst other things, of course.  (gives a knowing wink to Cybil, who turns on a CD player with a medley of instrumental songs such as 'Sexual Healing', 'Do Me Baby (the remix)', a jazz remix of 'A Little Bit' and 'Love Machine' amongst other songs discussing sex in general.  He fires up the grill and soon begins cooking.)

Nat:  Greetings all !  

Tuvia:  Something smells sumptuous.  

Dante:  Just an ordinary barbeque.  

Zorba:   You've got kebabs too ?   Ah, pop-in-law, I love ya, man !  (hugs him)  

Edna:   So, what do you actually do ?  I mean, if you don't mind us asking. 

Cybil:   We travel quite a bit.   We love sampling food wherever we go.   Call us coinsures if you will.  

Dante:   We love food ! 

Matt:  There's hardly an ounce of fat on any of you though.  

(They laugh)  

Cybil:  Why don't you come inside and put on some robes ?   You're dressed far too formally ! 

Dante:  It is a casual BBQ after all.  

Edna:  When in Rome, I suppose !  
(They go inside, get changed but realize that they will be completely nude underneath their robes.) 

Matt:  Don't mind us saying but we're not really used to this.   I mean, we're naked underneath these robes.  

Zorba:  Don't be ashamed.   Every human being is naked underneath their clothing.   It encapsulates our humanity. 

Tuvia:   (chortle)  My son, the philosopher.   Well stated.  

Zorba:  (mouth waters slightly)  I can't wait until those ribs are done.   I'm practically drooling a waterfall.  

Cybil:  Patience.   After all, the kebabs are already done !   

Dante: (passing out kebabs)  I've got all sorts of beverages in the cooler over there (points to the left with his tongs).  Feel free to get whatever you want.   I'm having a bit of red wine with my delightful wife, though.   Good for the heart.  

(As they all enjoy their food, their moans of satisfaction sound vaguely erotic.   Dante adjusts his robe and slips into only a cooking apron and heads inside.   Matt and Edna veil their eyes.)  

Tuvia:   Is this making you uncomfortable ?   We'll ask dad to be more decent if it is.  

Matt:  (slightly nervous)  N-no, it's just odd is all.  

Edna:  The only nudes we see are in the gallery downtown.  

(They all laugh heartily, and Matt and Edna do so, only a tad forced and not at all mirthful.)  

Cybil:  So, you probably don't see each other naked that often, either.  

Dante: (heading out with cake he's already set on the table, he begins serving his guests)  Cybil !   That's inappropriate. 

Matt:  (Whispering)  And walking around wearing an apron isn't ?  (snickers) 

Edna:  We see each other naked.  Just less often than I'd like. 

Matt:  (shocked)  I-I had no idea.   I thought our love life was sensational.  

Edna:  It is, my darling, but...

Dante:  It's nothing to be ashamed of.   Our lives shouldn't serve as a template for yours.  

Edna:  I'd like to learn from you though.  All of you. 

Matt:  (a bit frantic)  Wait, don't I get a say in this ?  

Edna:  We need a little bit of a spark in our lives.   We have all the time in the world and we spend it by traveling all over the 50 states and beyond.   I long for the spice to be revived, Matt.  Is that so wrong ? 

Matt:  (a bit angered)  Did you do something to seduce my wife, Dante ? 

Dante:  No, I just met her.   Yet I must say she is quite the delicacy.  

Cybil:  Are you really serious about learning from us ? 

Matt:   For the sake of our love lives, I think it'd be a good change. 

Edna:  Matt, you're so understanding.   I never expected you would be open to this. 

(He holds her hands) 

Nat:  So touching !  

Tuvia:  The basis for a new beginning is good communication.   You two already seem to have that as well as a willingness to change.  

Dante:  Welcome to your first stage in growth, both of you.   Admission was the first step.   Tomorrow we begin learning in earnest.  

Nat:  Good on you both !   We'd love to stay, but we have to go.  Errands to run and all that.  

Tuvia:  The food and dessert were scrumptious as usual, dad.  

Dante:   You flatter me.  

Cybil:   It's true, though.

Dante:   Thank you, it's just part of the Gustarian way.     

Matt:  (narrating)   It was the first wavering step both Edna and I decided to make together to shake things up in our prim lifestyles.   After all, who better to teach us about how to really savor life other than the hedonists next door ?  

Scene 3--The Nudist Beach

Trudy:   (calling on the phone)   So, what have you learned about the guys next door so far ?  

Matt:  They're hedonists.   They're harmless, though.   We're going to learn from their example.  

Richard:   (unphased)  That's nice.  (sudden epiphany)  Wait.  WHAT ?   No, you can't possibly be serious.   If Vern were here, he'd probably faint.   Good thing he's off in college. 

Edna:   Unlike the two of you we lack any real diversity in our love life.  

Matt:   Sad, but true.   Our first lesson begins today. 

Trudy:  Where will you be going ?

Together:  A nude beach !   Isn't it scandalous ? 

Richard:  I can't believe what I'm hearing.   No offense but, aren't you two a bit too old to even be setting foot in a place like that ? 

(Edna and Matt laugh a bit)  

Matt:  Dante says you're never too old to experience something new.   Life is all about change.  

Trudy:  To each their own.  You know no matter what you do, mom, we support you. 

Richard:  (is at a loss for words, to the point of being dumbfounded)  

Trudy:  Chat later, bye bye !  

(At the beach) 

Matt:   The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  

Edna:   Couldn't have said it better or more poetically.   I had almost forgotten how handsome you were au naturale.  

Matt:  The sun feels exquisite.   I never thought it'd feel this good.  

Edna:  And here we were, judging the Gustarians.   I feel a little ashamed of doing so. 

Matt:  It's human nature, darling.  (holds her from behind)  Heh, sorry, I guess my soldier is giving you a bit of a salute.  

Edna:  (giggling)  He can salute all he wants, I enjoy it ! 

Dante:  You came both right on time.  

Edna:  We would've been here earlier but I received a call from Trudy, our daughter. 

Cybil:  How did she take this whole 'expanding your horizons' thing ?

(The two of them laugh for a minute) 

Edna:  She was very placid.   Richard, our son-in-law, however, meh...not so much.

(They practically guffaw) 

Dante:  I made a picnic (spreading out towel dramatically) of the Gods.   Prepare to have your pallets amazed and smitten with savory flavors.  

Cybil:  (tittering)  He can be such a diva sometimes. 

(An instrumental version of 'Naked in the Sun' plays) 

Dante:   You probably already gathered that venturing outside your comfort zone is a step in the right direction. 

Matt:  (stepping into the ocean, wading and then is splashing about)  Edna !  The water is sublime !  Come on in ! 

(They all join Matt and swim around for a bit and come back to shore for a picnic.) 

Edna:  Have you and your family been like this forever ?

Cybil:   (laughs heartily)   I wasn't always the one to savor the beauty of sunlight in the nude, but Dante here, well, he's always been comfortable in his own vessel.  

Dante:  Over across the ocean they're not so stolid about the human body.  It's not really seen as an object of shame but of beauty.   I think our problem now as a society is that we're so confused about what romance, love and sex are and not to become so lost in the process.  It's like Cohelo says, 'my life is not a template to be followed exactly'.  

Matt:  That's so eloquent and profound.   All our lives are unique.   (chuckles)  I can't believe we're actually doing this together, Edna.   I'm not even ashamed. 

Edna:  (curling up next to him affectionately) Helps to have a partner in crime, no ?

(They all laugh)  

Cybil:  A lot of people act like hedonism is a bad thing.  There are certain degrees of it.  I suppose you would say we are 'moderate'.   Even extreme hedonism isn't wrong.   But, one always has to be careful about becoming addicted.  There is always a dark side to any lifestyle.  

Dante:  It's also helpful to remove any negative influences from your life.   At one point and time I had a so-called friend who tried to get me into the drug scene.   Dropped him like a bad habit.  Last I heard he was serving time in jail for a drug deal gone terribly wrong.  

Edna:  Sorry about that. 

Matt:  That's awful.  

Dante:  That's the price of darkness and addiction.  

Cybil:  Enough about us, though.  We want to know more about you ! 

Edna:  We're not so interesting as you. 

(Laughter)

Dante:   Let us be the judge of that. 

Matt:   We adore traveling but have never been outside the 50 states.  We hope to do so before either one of us kicks the bucket.  

Edna:  (chuckles lightly)   We're a far way from that, my sweet.   We attend symphonies and operas, go to the library, and in my spare time, I've learned macramé.  

Matt:  She's become sort of a knitting freak, but she makes the most gorgeous scarves I've ever seen.  

Cybil:  I'd love to see them myself someday.  

Edna:   (stretches)  I think it's about time to call it a day.  

Matt:  I'll say.   I've got plans for you.  (Wriggles eyebrows) 
(Quick scene change of the two in the shadows enjoying each other rather vigorously.  Comically enough, a symphonic version of 'Looks Like We Made It' plays while the two savor each other long into the night.)

Scene 4--Did We Keep You Up ?  

Trudy:  (calling her mother on the phone)  Come on, pick up, mom.  It's 11:00 am, you should be up and about by now.  

Edna:  (waking up, yawning, snuggling against Matt)  

Matt:  Edna, aren't you going to answer the phone ? 

Edna:  Mmm...5 more minutes, mama.   I wanna ride the pony again. 

Matt: (answering the phone)  Burns residence.  

Trudy:  (exasperated exhale)  I thought I would be able to get mom on the other end.  Why is she still asleep ? 

Matt:  (a bit lasciviously)  Oh, some details are better left to the imagination, darling. 

Trudy:   Too much info, pop.   Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we're going to be stopping by soon for your anniversary.   You...didn't forget did you ?

Matt:  Unlike last year, no !   (whispers) I bought a silver necklace with an infinity charm. 

It's something pretty, practical and valuable.   Plus, your mother just loves silver.  

Trudy:  You've really changed, pop.  Something happen at that nude beach to change you ?  

Matt:  I suppose you can say it did.  

Edna:  (waking up)  Oh, is that Trudy ?   (very musically and upbeat)  Hiiiii-honey !  

Trudy:  You seem a lot more chipper than usual.   Not that that is a bad thing.  

Edna:   Most assuredly.   Hon, life is gooooo-oooh-ood ! 

Trudy:  Anywho, dad already knows, but we're coming by this weekend for your anniversary.  Myself, Vern and Rich.   The whole fan-damily ! 

Edna:  It'll be good to have everyone back together again.  

Trudy:  See you around afternoon then.  

Edna:  I'm sure we'll both be decent by then. 

Trudy:  Mom, really.   Not an image I wanted to pop into my subconscious and scar me for life.  

Matt:   You really can be quite the diva, sugar.  

(They all laugh, and hang up the phone.  There's a knock at the door.)

Cybil:  I was just wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar for a recipe I'm making today.   Oh, by the way, I heard you two really going at it last night.   Ooo-la-la.

Matt:  (embarrassed)  We, er, um, didn't keep you up, did we ?

Cybil:   No, no.   It was just music to our ears.   You said you were lacking passion. 

Edna:  We certainly found it again.   Thanks to you and Dante of course. 

Cybil:   Glad we could be of service.   You know you're welcome whenever you want to visit. 

Matt:   (nodding)  Yes, we're aware.  

Edna:   (she and Matt are getting dressed and she heads into the kitchen for a cup of sugar)   I have plenty of measuring cups.  You can keep that one.  

Cybil:  How sweet.   Ha ha !   How silly of me to make a pun !  I couldn't help it though. 

Matt:  Would you believe it ?  It's our silver anniversary.  

Cybil:  Congratulations !   Are you celebrating ? 

Edna:   Yes, I think that Matt will be taking us all out for a fantastic dinner.   He said he had a surprise for me as well to commemorate the occasion. 

Cybil:   Sounds exciting !   You two are such treasures.  We couldn't be happier being your neighbors.   (titters)  Listen to me, I'm turning into a poet.  

Edna:  I think each of us is a poet, just some of us know how to rhyme better than others. 

(Hands her the cup and Cybil hugs her)  

Cybil:  Halcyon and Enceladus need us anyways.   I'm sure they'd love to get a chance to know you two someday.  Both of them are really dear, affectionate creatures. 

Matt:   Epic names, too.  Wherever did you come up with them ? 

Cybil:  Dante named them both when we rescued them, but he's into Greek mythology and stargazing.  
Edna/Matt:  Only logical. 

(they all laugh) 
Cybil:  Enjoy the rest of your day.  I'm off to bake.  

(Scene shift to a restaurant where Vern, Richard, Trudy, Matt and Edna are all being lavished with a meal straight out of something only a gourmand could create in the throes of ecstasy.)  

Scene 5--Silver Anniversary 

Edna:  Trudy, I have to know, how much did this fancy restaurant cost you ? 

Trudy:  Rich and my lips are sealed !  It's not often you have a silver anniversary, mom.

Edna:  You two are just too much ! 

Matt:  That's not all though.   I wish to drink a toast in honor of my marvelous spouse of 25 years.  

All (except Edna):  Here here !   I second that notion ! 

(They all drink) 

Edna:  (Getting teary eyed)  I-I don't know what to say. 

Matt:  You deserve it, hon-bun.   Especially after reinvigorating my life with the help of our neighbors.  

Vern:  You two have really changed a lot since we've been gone.  

Edna:  It's thanks to our new friends.  

Cybil:  Oh, pish-tosh.   You know you took the first step on your own.   Thanks to you two, our bond has even been made stronger.  

(Bad Mamajama plays in the background.)
Matt:  Hey, they're playing our song !   Wanna dance, hot cakes ?

Edna:   You know I do,  juju bee !    (They dance together, and everyone else joins in, even Vern, who isn't much for dancing.) 

Matt:  (narrating)   The rhythm had taken over, but that was exactly the way we liked it.   Nothing could ever be the same since we had started being a little bit spontaneous.   We hoped we would have more years like the ones before us.   We knew, without a doubt, that we would, full of laughter, music and love.   Nothing could have been better, and we realized that we were completely blessed, especially with Vern doing so well.   He was even planning on getting married in the fall with a sweet woman he had met at university.  Our universe was continuing to expand and we couldn't have been happier.  The results only exponentially get better in time.   

(As we see time passing, we see Vern and his girlfriend introducing themselves to their family and extended family at a picnic in the countryside with their dog running around playfully.   'Best Friend' by Queen plays, followed by 'That's What Friends are For' and an instrumental of The Cutie Re-mark's final song, 'Friendship' are played in the credits.  Bloopers and gaffs are shown, as well as dedication to mom, dad, friends, cohorts, goons and all that made this piece of artwork known as 'The Hedonists' possible.  You rule !)