On Being an Orphan

(originally written in my journal 9/17/17) 

At first, I was reluctant to begin writing this, thinking keeping a buttoned lip and cool resolve would somehow eradicate this pain or dissolve it.   Writing helps when it’s a topic like this one.  It’s a mixed bag.    Like mom I have many happy memories spent with my best friend and conspirator.    We often ganged up on my poor defenseless mother and made her laugh until she’d pee herself.    Mom had a weak pelvic floor so this wasn’t really fair to her but we were ruthless when it came to double teaming.    

I have many happy memories of dad.  He taught me about physics, plants, all sorts of things.   He didn’t prepare me for finances but I’m learning those hard lessons now.   I wish he could’ve given me some pointers on that.   When I visited Martha and the gang to no one’s shock, I learned papa was quite the player.    He could’ve easily been a model for a clothing company if he had wanted but he loved the babes and they adored his boyish good looks.    My mom actually confided in Aunt Kay after her family’s unfortunate demise.   She got a hold of dad by phone not knowing his relationship status, and the rest they say, is history.   

I would’ve loved having one last meal at Cheeseburger in Paradise but what really hurts is not having a soft place to fall or someone to hug when I come home.   He was my best friend and sounding board.   He loved me even in my worst times when I got violent, scratched him and cussed him out because I knew he would die. 

Things I Hated Seeing Dad Go Through 

1.   Quitting smoking.   Dad was a totally different man when addicted.   It was the only time he snapped at me.

2. Dealing with arthritis.    (Runs in the Berndt line, apparently) 

3. Obesity.   Messomorphs need to watch what they eat.  

4. Depression and anxiety 

5. Addictive personality.   #1 sums this up.    Glad dad knocked the bottle before I came bouncing into the picture.  

6. The fact they never spoke much of my fraternal twin, that I absorbed in infancy. 

7. Never really knew much about my half brothers.  Info on them would’ve been interesting.  

8. Running out of steam and having to refill an 02 tank everywhere we went.  And as if on cue, he would have asthma attacks that would ruin films for me

9. Losing language ability, rummaging, falling, taking apart his CPAP and becoming forgetful near the deneumeax of his life

Dad was open about being raped by his brothers.   I don’t he ever overcame that but he only told me and I never told another living soul.   I know where the libidinous desires come from.   Pop was never shy about his masturbation.   Now I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and I feel like a pervert or something.   Oh, well.