Chimi & Changa: Green Christmas

Synopsis:   With the holidays right around the corner, business is booming.   Feeling celebratory, Changa decides to host a ‘bake sale’ for a good cause.  She actually helps a young girl named Wanda who has been suffering from depression, panic attacks and the community begins to change its tunes about cannabinoids…

‘It’s amazing to see what a few weeds will do to people.’--Valerian to Laureline, Time Jam: Valerian & Laureline, Episode 3

~*~CAST~*~

Conchita ‘Chimi’ Lopez:

Ferdinand Lopez:

Bruno Lopez: (their son)

Mariposa ‘Mary’ Lopez: (their unborn daughter)

Lupita Chiquita: (her mom)

Salvador Chiquita: (her dad)  

Joaquin Chiquita: (her grandpa)  

Lori Chang:  

Li Chang: (her dad)  

Bluebell Chang:  (her mom)

Kabe Chang: (her grandfather)

Fiona Chang: (her grandmother)  

Officer Bill DeMayo:   

Officer Cincinnati ‘Cincy’ DeMayo: (his brother)

Haylee Blaze:

Frank Roach:  

Jacob Junior:

Rebecca Cohen:

Kabe Eli Cohen:

Solomon Cohen: (Jake’s dad)  

Esther Cohen: (Jake’s mom)

Rebecca Cohen: (Jake’s grandmother)

Wanda:  

Cree: (her elder sister)

Rhonda: (her youngest sister)

Kiana: (her mom)

Rhys: (her dad)

Narrator:   

Wiz Khalifa: (as himself)

Willie Nelson: (as himself)

Snoop Dogg: (as himself)

Lil’ Dicky: (as himself)

Cheech: (as himself)

Chong: (as himself)

Scene 1--Playing Pirates a Bit Late in the Holiday

(We can hear Ferdinand and Conchita role playing and having some ‘fun’ with their role play…)

Ferdinand:  Avast ye, me beauty, come and walk my plank !  

Conchita:  Oh, Captain Horne, you devil dog.   I’ll gladly walk that mighty plank of yours.   

Ferdinand:  Chita my little spiced rum.  You make my head spin and my heart dance.  

I can’t even see straight when you move your hips like that my dear…

(They start to exclaim, the usual ‘Ole, Bravo, Bravo !’ until they are both spent.)

Conchita:  Ay papi… You are always so incredible.

Ferdinand:  Not half as much as you are.   

(The phone rings)

Conchita:  (picks up cell phone)  Yes ?   Lopez residence.  

Changa:  (a bit blazed)  Hey.   Was wondering something.   

Conchita:  What’s up, Changa ?  You sound high already.  

Changa:  That’s just it.  I need a buddy.  Heh.  See what I did there ?

Conchita:  It’s a bit early in the morning.  The kids are with grandma and grandpa and Christmas is around the corner.  

Changa:  Yeah, girl.  About that.  I’m holding a baked goods sale.   It’s for everyone in the neighborhood.   I’ve got celebs coming and we’ll be holding a freakin’ huge holiday bash.  

Conchita:  I’d better not regret this.  

Changa:   You won’t !  Jake’s comin’ with.  Ain’t ya, my hot Jew ?

Jake:  You know it.  (snickers)

Conchita: Oy vey...You’re BOTH blazing.   

Jake/Changa:  It’s the holidays, might as well celebrate in style !   

(A very psychedelic vision ensues with Changa’s version of ‘Ride’.   Changa and Ferdi get a contact high and they seem to ‘warp’ to her place in a bit of a mandala with trippy colors.)  

Scene 2--Baking While Baked

Changa:  Here we go !   Onward toward the kitchen !  

Chimi:  Should you even be close to an oven in your state ?

Changa:  (laughing)  Girl, there ain’t nothin’ I can’t do !  

(The whole gang that was invited is over at Changa’s, tokin’ lines, smokin’ reefer and feeling laid back and fine.  The Intro to Lil’ Dicky’s CD plays followed by ‘Give it To Me’)  

Snoop:  Hey, Changa, baby.  What’s shakin’ ?  

Chimi:  You know Snoop ?

Changa:  This business has given me many opportunities to brush up against celebrities.

Chimi:  Don’t you mean bump into ?

Changa:  Brush, bump, same dif.   See, there’s Dicky over there, just laying low.  

Dicky:  Can I help make cookies ?

Changa:  Sure, everything you need is in the kitchen.

Dicky:  (enthusiastically)  Yes !  Let’s get festive up in this biotch !  

(‘Big Poppa’ begins playing in the background as they bake)

Willie:  Brownies are done.  Cookies are still rising…

Khalifa:  I’m getting hungry.   Guys got any Cheetos around here ?  

Changa:  (opens her cupboards)  Dig in, everyone.  

(The baking goes by at light speed and the best friends as well as the celebs make enough baked goods for the whole neighborhood to a holiday version of ‘Everyday I’m Shuffling’.   Scene change.)

Scene 3--Cops Try to Crash the Festivities

Chimi: (waking up from a green fog, coughing)  Jesus, it’s like a curtain of pot fog.

(Coughs more)   Whoo !  

Changa:  The guys had to go celebrate with their families for a bit, but I will be hosting a bitchin’ party for Christmas.   Guess who’s gonna be there ?

Jake:  All the guys from the sale, including Cheech & Chong themselves.  

Ferdi:  What it take you to convince them ?

Changa:  Surprisingly, not a whole heck of a lot.  I just told them I sell primo ganga and they were totes on board.  

Jake:  Sounds legit.  I’m psyched !   I can’t wait to meet them.   

(There’s a knock at the door.)

Chimi:  I’ll get it.   

Cincy:  May we come in ?

Chimi: (under her breath)  Mother of Guacamole !  

Changa:  Occifer !  

Cincy:  Don’t you mean Officer ?

Changa:  I said that, right ?  I remember you.  You’re Cincy De Mayo and you brought your bro.  

Jake:  Mind like a steel trap, my caliente mujer !  

Cincy:  Charming.  

Bill:  You might be wondering why we stopped by.   The place reeks of marijuana.  You do know that selling it is illegal, unless you have a permit.  

Changa:  (laughing)  I got a joke for you, occifer.  

Chimi: (devastated) Changa, no !  This is not the time nor is it the place.

Changa: (makes a ‘W’ with her hands, sticking out her tongue) Killjoy.

Lemme lay this one on you.

Cincy: (non plussed)  Humor me.  

Changa:  What do you call a pound sign that’s smoked too much weed ?

Cincy:  I don’t know.  What do you call a pound sign that’s smoked too much weed ?

Changa: (stifles laughter)  A HASHTAG !   Bwahahahah !  (dies laughing)

Jake:  My GOD she’s brilliant.    

Changa:  Guys you can’t do nothing.  Remember, I have a permit.  

(De Mayo gets a very crooked grin)  

Narrator:  At that time De Mayo had an idea.  A terrible idea, an awful idea, a horrendous, debased, twisted idea.

De Mayo:  The hell.  Where’s that voice comin’ from ?  Hopefully not getting a contact high.   How would I explain that one away ?   (clears throat, adjusts tie, seemingly, his feathers are a bit ruffled by this ‘pop-up’ narration)  

Bob:  I’ve got this.  Mrs. Conchita.   I can see that you are with child.  Would you want this newborn exposed to an environment like this ?

Chimi:  Sir, my children know nothing about my friend’s illicit activities.  

Bob:  But they’ve got noses !   This stuff reeks to high heaven.  You should be ashamed, both of you.   You (points to Chimi) I’m absolutely certain have no permit, so, if you would kindly walk this way to the squad car we can get you processed and my brother and I can go about our day.

Chimi:  (holds up permit)  Bam !  Changa thought ahead.

De Mayo:  No flipping way.   (under breath) Damn.

Changa:  We’d go into a flashback explaining how we got it but we only have about an hour’s time, so… You know how brutal budget cuts are.

Bob:  Who on earth are you talking to ?  

De Mayo:  Come on, bro.   These two are really weirding me out.   (threateningly)  We will find a way to bust you !   Mark our words !   (makes a ‘we’re watching you’ gesture)   Merry Christmas anyway, you wackos.  

(walks out the door, and as soon as they’re out of earshot)  

Changa:  Yeah, take off !   

Chimi:  (has a huge sigh of relief)  If it hadn’t been for your quick thinking I’d be in jail.  With Mariposa coming in February, I can’t afford to do that to her.  

Changa:  Hey, you know darned well I’d be her surrogate mom while you were in the clink.   

Chimi:  (gets slightly teary eyed)  Awww, you would ?   Lori you are the best friend ever.   

(Scene fade)  

Scene 3--The Lit Christmas Party

(The children are having fun, looking forward to opening presents tomorrow.   Everyone is in attendance, even friends from the past.)  

Haylee:  Thanks so much for inviting us to this rockin’ party, yo.

Frank:  Yeah.  Good thing we could make it all the way from California.  Was quite the bumpy flight getting to you guys.  

Fiona:  You could’ve driven.  We’re just in Oregon, for cryin’ in a bucket !

(They all laugh at Fiona’s wit)  

Bruno:  Mom ?

Chimi:  Yes, sweetpea ?

Bruno:  I know I’m a little old for it, but we’re putting out cookies for Santa this year, right ?

Chimi:  Right.   

Bruno:  (eager)  I wonder what he brought me this time.   I know I’ve got a sister coming so he took care of that wish a long time ago !

(Chimi chuckles, patting her pregnant belly)   

Chimi:  That he did.  Now off to bed with you, carino.   

(He is kissed by his mom and dad and grandparents.   Changa’s children file in after him.   Cheech and Chong come in, totally lit.)  

Cheech:  Hey, Chong !   Come check out this mirror !   It’s super sexy !  

Chong:  No doubt.   Woah, freaky !  

(They notice that the mirror versions of themselves actually repeat what they are doing, very precisely and accurately.)  

Ferdi:  (stomping up behind Chimi)  Ahem.

Cheech:  Not a mirror !  I repeat…

Ferdi:  (glowers)  

Cheech:  EEP !

(walks away rather quickly, sidestepping and avoiding Ferdi’s grasp.   Tommy is still gawking at Changa until Jake steps up and growls at him like a dog.)

Jake:  Lay one little finger on my sexy mamacita and you’ll be missing an important appendage.  

Chong:  Oof.  Roger wilcox there, buddy.   Hey, before I take off, do you guys have any Doritos ?  Cheech and I are hankering for something to eat.  

Changa:  (directs them to the cupboard, which is bursting with Frito Lay products)  I always over prepare.  Never know who’ll show up at the pot farm, y’know ?  

Lupita:  Present time !  

Rebecca:  Yea !  I know we normally don’t do this type of thing, but it’s a holiday, why not ?  

JJ:  Yep, and you know our home’s open for Hanukkah later, if you wanna come by.  

Lil’ Dicky:  If it is as lit as it is now, Junior, you know I will.   

JJ:  (questioning)  Lit ?  

Changa: Never you mind what Uncle Dicky meant by that remark.  (clears throat loudly)

Chimi: (narrating)  It was indeed, a Christmas to remember.  Uncle Snoop had made build a bears of himself for the kids.  For the adults, he plugged his latest album and a kick butt recipe for fudge brownies that literally melt in your mouth.   We all remembered what the season was truly about, even after our company had left for the day.   While our family members remained, we savored the rest of the day celebrating our blessed nature.   We knew the year to come would be full of love, laughter, and soon, a new baby to introduce into the family.

(We see an above head POV camera angle of the entire family.   A very ethereal version of ‘Hark, the Herald Angels Sing’ plays.  We are treated to bloopers, gaffs and even a secret scene with me in the ‘party’ just shaking my moneymaker for no real reason.    Bluebell and Lupita sing ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ but it is Christmas themed...It goes like this…)  

Oh, we’re lit tonight

And we’re high as kites

Under the Christmas lights

Ganga, marijuana, come over, smoke it if you wanna

Ah, we’re high tonight

With Mary Jane you know we feelin’ right

Relaxin, and Maxin’

Eatin’ some Cheetos so don’t even be askin’