Swedish Meatballs

Synopsis:   Astrid and her younger brother Elias are the children of Nils ‘Lightning’ Lindstrom and bombshell mom, Bennu.   This is a tale of their gilded lives living in the unprecedented luxury mafia life can provide them. 

 

            ‘Some are born to follow while others are born to lead.’—Narrator, Sweet Tooth, Episode 3: Weird Deer Shit 

 

            ‘You never know what you are capable of, especially when it’s for someone you love.’—Dr. Singh to Big Man, Sweet Tooth, Episode 8:  Big Man

 

 ‘But the future is not set in stone.   And evil is most adept at seeing what it wants to see. That’s its weakness.   It doesn’t anticipate the possibility of failure.  And now you do; and more, you know the price of your failure.’—Hilda, Krondor: Tear of the Gods  

 

            ‘Y’all don’t really know my mental 

            Let me paint a picture for you in stencil.’—some lyrics from Astronaut in the Ocean as sung by Masked Wolf 

 

 

 

~*~CAST~*~

 

Nils ‘Lightning’ Lindstrom:

Bennu Lindstrom: 

Astrid Lindstrom: 

Elias Lindstrom:

Dimitri Pietrovich: 

Anastasia Pietrovich:  

Anatoly Lupin Pietrovich: (Astrid’s boyfriend and fiancé): 

Anthony ‘Tony’ Portello: 

Gina Portello: 

Bella Portello: 

Fiore Portello: 

Giovanni Portello:   

Ella Rosalind Baum: 

Katrina Harold:  

Chen Li:  

Maui Ei:   

Future Joy as themselves: 

Feodora Pietrovich: (first twin of the Pietroviches) 

Rodion Pietrovich: (second twin of the Pietroviches)

Taika ‘Tiger’ Saito: (an uninvited Yakuza guest but a friend of Nils’) 

Moribiko Saito: (Taka’s wife)   

Momoe Saito: (their lovely daughter, who only came for the festivities) 

Anastazi ‘Great White’ Frasheri: 

Kostos Frasheri: (second in line) 

Bardhyll Frasheri:  (his younger brother) 

Agnesa Frasheri: (the doting, loyal mother) 

Afrodita Frasheri: (the youngest daughter) 

Bora Frasheri: (the baby of the family)  

 

 

 

Scene 1—Nescience is Bliss 

 

Astrid:  (Driving to school in her cherry red Mazaratti, everyone looks at her car longingly, wanting to be her, she has ‘Reverse’ playing on her radio.   She’s wearing aviators and bobbing her head with the music and rapping along with the lyrics.) 

 

Ella:  (eagerly) Astrid’s here !    

 

Katrina:   (impressed) She has the most fly car I’ve ever seen !   Man, her dad must really rake in the bread to afford something tight like that !   

 

Chen:  I heard he deals with stocks and cryptocurrency.    

 

Maui:   The only way that would make sense, Chen, is if he had a side hustle, but Astrid doesn’t talk much about what her parents do.    

 

Astrid:  (walking up)  Hi, guys !   Gorgeous day, isn’t it ?    

 

(They all smile and chatter about what they look forward to learning the most today.) 

 

Astrid:  You know my 18^th birthday is coming up.  (reaches into her purse and pulls out invitations) I’d love it if you could all come !   

 

Ella:  I never know what to wear at one of your shindigs, Astrid !  (embarrassed, she covers her face with her hands)

 

Katrina:   Ella, just be yourself.   It don’t matter how we come dressed up to her gala.   No matter what, we look good !  

 

Maui:  (poses)  I know that’s right !  

 

Chen:  Oh, man !   We are all gonna be the envy of the school !  

 

Astrid:   (puts her finger up to her lips)  No one else needs to know.  It’s a small, intimate affair.   That’s how I like my parties.   

 

Katrina:  (pats her on the back)  Of course, you always have to have your low profile.   

 

Astrid:  (huge, sparkling smile)   Just remember, be there at 6:00 pm.   This party’s gonna be off the chain.     

 

(Transition to the party, which is absolutely insane.   She has Future Joy playing for her, a ton of presents and her boyfriend Anatoly is there. Everyone is simply grooving to the rhythm. ) 

 

Anatoly:  I wouldn’t miss your birthday for the world, pretty young thing.  

 

Astrid:  (kisses him passionately)   I’m elated that you came, Toly.   

 

Nils:  (rings his champagne glass)  We’re here to celebrate my young daughter becoming a young woman !  May you live long, full of abundance, laughter and prosperity.  

 

Elias:  Here, here !

 

(Everyone clinks their glasses and takes a drink in celebration.   She opens her presents and then receives a surprise gift from Anatoly.) 

 

Anatoly:  I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while, Astrid…Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife ?  

 

Astrid:  (shocked)  Aren’t we a little young, ‘Toly ?  

 

Anatoly:  (laughs)  No.   Never too early to start the rest of our lives.  Besides, your family loves me, and my family thinks very highly of yours. 

 

Bemmu:  This is true.   No better alliance has ever been made.   

 

Astrid:  (bites lip, aside)  Oh, crap.  Mom said the ‘a’ word !   Mom, let them stay in their nescience.  Fewer questions, fewer troubles… 

 

Ella:   Does this mean…(looks at Katrina and squeals) we get to be bridesmaids ?  

 

Maui:  Aw, yeah…I get to dress up in something gothic and cute if that’s the case !   

 

Chen:  Only if I get to go to Toly’s bachelor party. 

 

Anatoly:  For you, Chen, only the best. 

 

Astrid:  (wipes some sweat from her forehead, aside)  Seems we dodged a bullet there.   No one is the wiser.    Hopefully they won’t catch on at the wedding and reception.    I’m sure Toly will take me someplace extremely romantic for our honeymoon, but first things first.   Keep everything low-key, Astrid.    Act natural, have fun.   Savor the moment with your friends.  Moments like these are ephemeral.   

 

(The scene, though jovial, feels a bit ominous with the way Astrid is lit and her pensive expression.   The only comfort she receives is Anatoly’s hand softly atop hers, stroking her hand with his thumb and forefinger.)  

 

Scene 2—An Uninvited Guest 

 

(Anatoly and Astrid wed to much pomp and circumstance.)  

 

Toly:  (sweeps Astrid up into his arms)  Like a knight of old, I promenade down the threshold with my beautiful princess.   

 

Astrid:  (laughing)  You really are quite the bard.   

 

Toly:  (smiling brightly)   I’ve waited this long right.   A king needs his queen, and I can think of no one better to rule by my side once I become the Don in my dad’s syndicate.  

 

Astrid:  (surprised)  Wait, he officially knighted you ?  

 

Toly:  Yes.  I’ve been watching him from the start.  I might be your teddy bear, but I’m ruthless deep down.   

 

Astrid:  (nods)  Yes, and I wouldn’t want you any other way.   My brother, Elias is just like papa. In that regard, both of you are merciless.    It’s the curse of the Family, I suppose. 

 

Toly:  (proudly promenading with her)  Yes.   Say, I heard that your dad invited his old yakuza friend, Taka.   He’s coming with his wife and daughter. 

 

Astrid:  (with a little concern in her voice, through gritted teeth)  With the Italians I thought it was going to be bad enough, but now we’ve got the yakuza here ?! 

 

Toly:  (pats her side to calm her)  I’m as upset by it as you are.   I heard your dad was impulsive but now I know it’s true. 

 

Astrid:   I sincerely hope they don’t talk about business… 

 

Toly:   (kisses her cheek)   Astrid, my love, relax.   You’re too uptight.   Come on, they’re playing our song !   

 

(‘Lay All Your Love on Me’ plays, followed by ‘Wababababa’.    The two have a blast and a hungover Chen finds him to thank him.)

 

Chen:  Dude, last night was off the CHAIN !   

 

Toly:  What did I tell you ?   I keep my word.   Whoops, be careful with that mai tai, bud.   Don’t you think you should stop with that one though ?   You’re a bit hung over. 

 

Chen:  (a bit miffed)  No one tells me when it’s closing time.   

Toly:  (Takes the mai tai from him)   Last call, Chen.   I’m sorry to do that to you.   Party train’s been put at full stop tonight.   

 

Chen:   (disappointed, shrugs)  Maybe Maui would be up for a dance !  

 

(‘Woman’ plays in the background and he goes to ask Maui for a dance.) 

 

Maui:  You’re drunk, Chen.    I need to drive you home.  

 

Chen:  But, MAUI !   I only had like, 5 mai tais.   

 

Maui:   Alright.  One dance, just don’t trip all over yourself.  

 

Chen:   (chuckling)  And this is why I love you.   

 

Maui:  (holding him close)   Same here, you crazy fool.   

 

Nils:  (dancing close with Bennu)   All of this is so romantic.  (whispers)  It makes me amorous !  

 

Bennu:  (tittering)  Nils, you’re always in the mood for a little 20 thread count tango.   

 

Taika:   NILS !  

 

Nils:  (surprised)  Tiger !  I mean…Taika.  You’re here ?  

 

Taika:  Wouldn’t miss this for the world.   

 

Momoe:   Pretty bangin’ shindig, Mr. Lindstrom.   Your family’s tight !  

 

Nils:  Uh, thanks.   

 

Momoe:  (dancing to ‘Left Foot, Right Foot’ with the group)   

 

Taika:  I’ve come to talk business.   

 

Nils:  (grumble)  It’s not a good time, Taika.   Do the Italians know ?  

 

Taika:  I conferred with them earlier.   We’ve got a score, a massive one.   This will give us the status we’ve been wanting over the Albanians.   

 

Nils:  It’s foolhardy to challenge them you know.   

 

Taika:  That’s why I’m having you as the rep, Nils.   The head of the most powerful syndicate in the world likes you.  

 

Nils:  (getting a little bit nervous)   Y-yeah, I like him plenty too, but Anastazi has a temper, ya know ?   Get in those crosshairs, I might as well write my will today.   

 

Taika:  (clapping his hands on Nils’ shoulders)   Lightning, dude, you’ve got this.   Meeting won’t be until your kiddos are off and about honeymoonin’.    Don’t get so frazzled.   Chillax.   

 

Nils:  (getting more reassured and confident)  You’re absolutely right.   I need to take a beat, breathe and know I’ve got this shit figured out. 

 

Taika:  Now that’s the Lightning I know, love and fear !   (pats on the back)   Ooh, looks like Anatoly is participating in some sort of old Russian tradition.   

 

(Dmitri, Anatoly, Elias, Tony, Fiore and Giovanni all dance to ‘Mascerade’ as played by Lindsay Sterling.   Their dance moves are unbelievable.   Near the end, Anatoly beckons his bride to join him, does a death-defying hold that ballet dancers and ice skaters the world over would be jealous of, looks Astrid in the eyes and kisses her passionately.)  

 

Toly:  When we get to Greece, I will rock that gorgeous body… 

 

Astrid:  (blushing)  I wait with anticipation, my darling.    Just, be gentle. 

 

Toly: (whispering)  I know you’re a virgin.   I’ll be tender.   Only pleasure, no pain.   You’ve given me nothing but happiness.   Time for us to both indulge in a bit of ecstasy.    

 

 

(scene shift)    

 

Scene 3—Honeymoon in Greece 

 

(The scene itself plays like a music video and the two of them are flying high, leaving rainbows behind them in their wake.   We see Anatoly under the covers atop Astrid, laughing.) 

 

Toly:  You are a little sex goddess !  Not that I had a doubt !   (catching breath)  (in Russian) My GOD !  Damn, woman.   You nearly wore me out.   

 

Astrid:   (raised eyebrow)  Want a second round ?  

 

Toly:   Heaven yes.   My God, I love you more, Astrid.   

 

(The two consummate their marriage to sweet classical music.)

 

Astrid: (narrating)  To think, I’m 18, and I doubt I’ll ever be free of the Family’s clutches.   I’m a Swedish Meatball for life.   I might have overheard dad talking to Taika, who wasn’t invited to my dream wedding, but I don’t think I caught what he and Taika were parlaying about.    Not that it matters.   Lying next to Toly makes the rest of the world dissolve.    Of course, I still have school to finish, and I could possibly be pregnant.   Even if I am, I’ll finish studies and jump straight into the working world, assisting my darling.     

 

(scene change)  

 

Scene 4—No One Thinks Less of You 

 

Katrina:   (meeting Astrid back from Greece for the first time)  Woah, girl.   Look at you !   You and Toly must’ve gotten busy underneath them sheets.    (pokes playfully at her belly)  

 

Astrid:  Yeah, we did.   I feel a bit young to be bringing a baby into the world, but a life is a life.   We brought him or her into the world with love.   

 

Maui:   Aww.  Look at baby mama !   When are you do ? 

 

Astrid:  Luckily sometime after graduation.  

 

Chen:  Dang, bruh !  You’re like a freakin’ barge !   

 

Maui:  Chen !   

 

Chen:  Sorry, I mean it as a compliment !   She’s a cute thick, don’t you think ?   

 

Ella: We all do.   (places a hand around her best friend)  Some of the folks around school are saying some not so genteel things about your delicate condition.  

 

Astrid:  (getting concerned)  If Elias knew, he would rain holy hell fire down on them.   Best not let him know.   He tends to go a bit ‘berserker’ concerning my reputation.  (realizes what she said and covers her mouth)  Oh, CRAP !  

 

Katrina:   You ok, girl ?   Too much slappin’ get to your head ?    

 

Astrid:  (laughs)  No, no.   Everything’s fine, Kat.    

 

Katrina:  (a bit dubious)  If you say so, doll.    So your brother tends to get a little cray-cray if someone disses his sister.    Well, you know what ?   (pulls out set of brass knuckles and puts them on)  I may not look it, but I’m kind of notorious in my block.   Say one wrong thing, I’m liable to lose my mind and let THESE GUYS talk for me.    

 

Astrid:  (puts her hands on Katrina’s bedecked ones, nervous laugh)  There’s no need for that, Kat.   Put the brass knuckles away.    (narrating)   Thank GOD word didn’t get out that final year of school.    Elias was a year below me but didn’t catch the murmurings on campus.   Nescience again, was most assuredly blithe bliss.    No one asked questions and the Meatballs were officially freer than doves.    Granted, keeping a low profile was hard work, but we did it in style.   So long as people still thought all we did was game the stock market and rake in bank from cryptocurrency, life was a treat. 

 

(scene fade)  

 

Scene 5—Never A Dull Moment 

 

Astrid:  (narrating)   Without missing a beat, the twins came into the world.   We named them Feyodora and Rodion.   Feyodora was a beloved grandmother I had never met but she came to welcome the ‘chicks’ into the flock, as it were.   Rodion was named due to Toly’s obsession with Greek mythology and heroes of old.   I loved the names myself because I felt they suited the babies.   Luckily, the Albanians liked us and our kids, but they wanted us to come to a function.   I feared the whole Meatball clan was getting in too deep… 

 

Toly:   We’ve got Fiore and Giovanni looking over the babies.   They volunteered, darling. 

 

Astrid:   (slow sigh, gathering herself)  I fret far too much for my age, but we’re parents now, Toly.   That changes things.  

 

Toly:   (Kisses her)  I’m aware, but this is our lives now.  My dad and your dad hold quite a bit of bragging rights in the Underworld.   

 

Astrid:  Can’t we go our own way ?  

 

Toly:  (with some feirocity)  No.   Not really.   I have done things I never wanted to do.   I’ve killed people who didn’t deserve it all to maintain my status.    Like papa, I’m merciless.   

 

Astrid:  (looks into his eyes)  There’s no escaping.   I should’ve known that.    

 

Toly:   Our kids will live a relatively normal life.   If you want, they can grow up ignorant of the Family.  

 

Astrid:   That’s almost going to be impossible.   

 

Toly:  I realize that, but to be honest, Elias holds more power than all of us.   

 

Astrid:   True, but they seem to respect us more.   

 

Toly:  (sighs with some reservation)  It’s a labyrinth, certainly.   One we can’t escape.   We can’t just leave.   The only real escape is death from natural causes.   

 

Astrid:  (sadly) And the beat goes on for the twins, I suppose.   (narrating) I was concluding my assessment I had predicted long ago.   Our kids would have to live with our sins.   Our progeny would bear the brunt of it.    It all stemmed back to dad.   I couldn’t be mad at him, but now we were the most powerful syndicate in the world.   Nothing could touch us.    We continued our lives, our children grew up and I maintained my friendships with my friends with them being none the wiser.    I suppose the lesson coming from all of this is, sometimes, what we are born into becomes a blessing and a curse.    The secret is, hold on to that blessing despite the curse and always see it from a viewpoint of optimism.    I say this now, looking at Feodora and Riodon growing up so fast as adolescents and relishing our time in Milan.   Where we go from here, well, that’s our road to traverse.  

 

(Credits roll, we see the family enjoying diversion on the beach playing volleyball and having a blast.   Toly has his arms wrapped around Astrid sitting on a blanket.   They are enjoying a bottle of champagne together.)  

 

Toly:  Here’s to you and many more exquisite years to come, my love. 

 

Astrid:  I second that.  

 

Toly:  Salud.  

 

(They clink their glasses together and share a kiss as the sun sinks below the horizon.   Credits roll and ‘This Is The Start of Something Great’ plays as the credits roll.   Bloopers and gaffs are played to the loyal fans who sit through the credits.   Dedicated to all my friends, family, extended family and inspired by years of fanaticism to the real mob and mobsters who will forever fascinate me.)