An Orphan's Christmas

Shining Light in an Otherwise Dark Season and Obscure World

I am an orphan.  Unabashedly, unashamedly.   I will admit it and sound my yawp from the rooftops.   I don’t let this term define me because oftentimes orphans are seen as helpless and vulnerable when we are anything but.   Some of us have been overprotected, but nevertheless, we learn.   Sadly, it can be through the school of hard knocks, but regardless, we become stronger over time.    I won’t say it has been easy because that would be sugarcoating the issue.   If there is one thing I don’t do, it’s try to talk lightly about being an orphan.   Certainly I will not try to put a damper on one’s holiday talking about such a dark topic.   However, it must be spoken of.

Permit me if you will, but this taboo subject is not one that many understand.   It is different for orphans who have no parents and want no part of their children in their lives.   It is far more isolating and lonely but by no means more or less painful.   I can’t put my pain on a scale and compare it to yours.   That is unfair, selfish and egotistical of me to think of my pain as worse.   It is still there, lingering in the background.   The proverbial uninvited party guest who loves spreading misery, despair and gossip.

The commercials are the first to wreck my heart.   I feel the pain deeply and sometimes I wish I didn’t, but its the nature of my character.  I won’t change it, it makes me stronger, actually.   All the commercials talk of family, engagements, love.   These things I long for.    I often feel like I am at a masquerade ball, hiding my truest intentions and emotions.    I feel like a charlatan most of the time and I fear exposing myself to those who really care about me.   I don’t want to worsen your holiday or throw a damper on your festive holiday illumination.    I don’t intend to do so.   Yet, there it is, that ache, that consistent, persistent hole I can’t seem to erase or numb no matter what I try.  

This is why some people turn to hard core drugs and pills.   I have resorted to getting myself out of the house, taking short adventures and keeping my mind occupied.   For the most part, it does the trick but the voices begin again.   It’s always loneliness standing at the door.  Begging to come inside for a spot of tea.    Go away, I don’t want you here.  I want to be happy for Christmas.   Please, at least let me have that this year.   Last year, you didn’t, and I nearly committed myself to a hospital.    Suicide would’ve been victorious, but I persisted.  

One might ask during this most wonderful time of the year if it is ok not to be ok with being joyous.   Of course it is.   Society simply doesn’t understand our plight, but there are groups and people one can talk to when you feel like taking the end of your rope and fashioning a noose out of it.   

There is hope.   There is light.   The darkness can come and go.   The fearful nights I have experienced with PTSD after papa’s death have ebbed.  They are becoming fewer and fewer.   I know this is only a section of time, a ‘season’ if you will.   Ephesians 3 was right about seasons.   We all undergo them and they temper us.   Some can be more trying than others, but with consistent self-care and activities to branch out and help others, I find myself becoming more and more of who I want to be.   

Light in the darkness.   It’s a very daunting state of being sometimes.   There are moments when reminding yourself about your plusses can be a struggle, but when people surrounding you come to uplift you and yank you out of the mire (sometimes self-inflicted), you feel that spark igniting again and you can shine.   My light flickers for all who feel that they suffer alone in silence during the holidays.   Believe me, you do not.  I hear your cries, I empathise.   We are all in different places and traveling our own paths but warriors of light stick together.   That’s why a bundle of sticks is harder to break when bound then it would be apart.    Know that the darkness shall pass.    The sun comes out tomorrow, the colors are always there.   Your faith, humor and many gifts will see you through.    Just remember that there are those who go through tribulations.   Without those, where would you be right now ?  Would you be a brighter light today then you were then ?   Most likely, no.   Be brave.  Don’t hole yourself up or hide under a bushel.   Shine brightly, even if you feel broken, because we all have heartache and we all have brokenness.   This is what makes us human.   Recall simple acts of kindness and share them, even if they are not returned.   Kindness is the great equaliser, and it is a joy and pleasure to give.