Warriors vs. Aliens

Synopsis:  Samurai and ninjas are forced to work together when violent aliens known as the S’ron attack.   There are only 7 samurai left in the world.   Will this battalion be able to overlook their differences to defeat the S’ron ?  

~*~CAST~*~

Jack Tarantino: (an American, one of the 7, adopted by the Samurai as a baby, aka ‘Dirty Harry’, also a gun-slinger)

Michiko Suzuki: (one of the seven, a bad-assed lady)

Hanai Kurosawa: (one of the seven)

Kubo Musashi:  (one of the seven)

Hitoshi Nakamura: (one of the seven)

Yoshihiro Wantanabe: (one of the seven)

Aki Tanaka: (one of the seven) 

Hikari Abe: (one of the seven, a matron to the 7)

Etsuko:

Fujiko ‘Fuji’:

Chie:

Emiko ‘Emi’: (matron of the ninja)

Karin: 

Daichi:

Haru:

Kaede:

Nori: 

Satoru: (the patron of the ninja)

S’ron Captain:

S’ron First Officer:

S’ron Cadet:

S’ron Ensign: 

S’ron Lieutenant:

S’ron Lieutenant JG: 

S’ron Soldier/Gunner: 

Various S’ron: 

S’ron Shifter:  

Jiracha the Goldfish Booth Owner:

Scene 1—Riotous Contentions

(There’s a village, mostly rustic but also contains modern day amenities and conveniences.  Samurai and ninja bicker and typical people simply roll their eyes, lamenting of the unrest between these clans.)

Jack:  (narrating)  Long before I was ever adopted as one of the seven samurai in my family, I have known ninja and samurai to have a general distaste for each other.   I don’t know what it stems from or why.  I’m a gaijin.  Half of these things make no sense to me, but I am still respectful of their ways.   It’s all I have ever known.  I don’t even care who my real parents are.   They wouldn’t have left me here, abandoned had they wanted me.   Far as I know they gave me my name but I prefer going by ‘Dirty Harry’.  It suits me more, especially considering my special talent.  I wield a katana but I am more dangerous with my two barrels.   Fortunately, I have had to use neither but I might just have to someday soon. 

(Samurai are enjoying a game of Go, it gets interrupted by a rouge shuriken thrown by a ninja.  Fighting ensues.  People are getting choked in the streets and blood nearly gets spilled until Jack finally snaps. ‘The Wrong Way’ plays in the background.) 

Jack:  ENOUGH ALREADY !  

Emi: (drops Kubo, who happens to be in a nasty chokehold)  Why would we want to listen to you, foreigner !  

Kubo:  (rushing to safety, catching his breath)  Crazy lady ! 

Jack:   For years, we’re acting like rabid dogs, nipping at each other’s heels !   We’re living worse than animals ! 

Michiko:  Dirty Harry’s right.   We should all listen to him ! 

Jack:  There was a time when we lived in peace.   Now we just bite and scratch whenever we look at each other.   When did we become so uncivilized ? 

Hanai:   (wistfully)  Days of peace.   No hassle, no worries.   Why can’t it be more like that ? 

Hikari:  (agreeing)   Harry’s absolutely correct.   Besides, I’ve had a vision. 

Etsuko:   And what is this vision all about, Hikari ? 

Hikari:  (smiles gently)  It’s about a diverging paths.   We can choose one or the other.   Another force will be coming, though I don’t know when.   We can either destroy our clans, despite the fact that we’re all indigenous or we work together and live our lives in peace.  

Chie:  What’s the outside force though ?  Were you able to see it, Lady Hikari ?

Hikari:  Sadly to say ,Chie, that part of the prophecy was foggy at best.  

Jack:   If I were you, I’d just go about our normal day and go about our normal lives.  

(A version of Sakura plays, though it is a remix.  Everything seems to be usual, except for the usual shouting match.) 
Yoshi:  At least it’s bickering rather than wrestling.  

Hanai:  Thankfully no one’s writhing and dying in the streets anymore.   I’ll take this over the wars we’ve been having.  Harry, you’re a miracle worker. 

Jack:  I appeal to the logic of the people.  Sometimes it takes a ‘foreign’ perspective, Hanai. 

Hanai:  (laughing) 

Aki:  Hey, I’m going out to market.   Going to make sukiyaki tonight in preparation for the festival to come.  

Kobu:  I’ll be putting up the takoyaki booth.   My takoyaki brings the gals to the yard !

Karin:  (giving him flirtatious looks, and everyone knows she likes him quite a bit)

Kobu:  (blushes darkly) 

Aki:  (nudging him knowingly)  You sly dog, Kobu !  I always knew you had a thing for Karin. 

Kobu:  If there weren’t any feuding, I’d just walk up to her and ask her out. 

Aki:  Well, you still can during the festival.  There are no rules against that.  I can see she puts the zing in your samisen strings.

Kobu:  Ah, that she does.   I’ve felt that way ever since spring time when she first came into the village.  

Michi:  Oh Gods, here he goes again.  

Jack:  Well while Kobu waxes poetic, I’m going out to market with Aki.   (narrating)  The rest of the day went off without a hitch.   Apparently I had appeased the masses with my compelling speech.    By the time I had come home, Yoshi was trying to hide the fact he was straightening his My Little Pony collection.   He didn’t want anyone else to know he was a brony.   It was widely known of to the 7 including myself.  He even wore a pair of lucky MLP undies but denied it fervently he knew nothing of where he got them from or that they even existed.   Everything was quiet for a while until the contentions started flaring up again.    Something else was happening though.  Like Hikari said, a force was coming upon us.   It was coming straight from the heavens.    If you asked me I would’ve thought I was hallucinating, but none of us drink that much sake to really inebriate us.   Still, one would have deemed us totally bonkers if they knew what these beings were and why they were so intent on wiping us out.    Like it or not, we had a choice point, and if we weren’t careful, it was going to be made for us, or we would die before we ever had the chance to make it ! 

(Scene fade after the bickering starts again and poor Jack just rolls his eyes, lowering his hat in embarrassment, muttering to himself about how ‘they never learn’ and ‘all they do is fight’ is said.)

Scene 2—Aboard the Crimson Talon

Captain: (in the S’ron language)  There it is, that pathetic rock we’ve been looking for !  At long last, we’ve made it !   It’s people will be easy enough to crush like the bugs they are. 

Ensign:  They look so simple ! 

Cadet:  They are simpletons compared to the S’ron ! 

Lieutenant:  That’s accurate, Cadet, but don’t count them out yet.   We have to assess the situation, see what we’re up against.    Humans can be a wily bunch at that. 

Lieutenant JG:   They don’t frighten me.  What are they going to do, yell us to death ?   It seems that’s all they ever do in this village.   They’ll be easy to overthrow.   Just let me have at them with blunt force.  They’ll never know what hit them. 

Captain:  Blunt force won’t work, JG.   Like the Lieutenant said, we need to gather all necessary intel before we advance.  

(The Lieutenant smirks cockily, self-assured and arrogant.   The JG mutters a swear word under her breath, hating her comrade.)
JG:  (aside)  Stupid Lieutenant, thinks he knows everything in the Universe.   Thinks he’s the Hub of All Things.   Idiot.  

Captain:  Scouts !
Scouts: YES, SIR !  (Salute in such a pristine way it’s actually poetry in motion) 

Captain:   Start reconnaissance immediately.   Blend in with the locals.   After we have ever last iota of information we require (clutches fist) then, oh ho ho !   Then !   We will strike ! 

Scouts:  Yes, SIR !  

Scene 3—The Enemy Amongst Us

(While the summer festival is underway, ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Samisen Remix’ plays)

Karin:   I’ll take a fried squid, please.  

Kubo:   Anything for you my pretty blossom.   (lighthearted sigh)  Man, one day without fighting.  Can you believe it ?   Maybe you can I could go check out the goldfish booth later.  I could try to win you a goldfish if you wanted.

Karin:  (wide-eyed, eager)  I’ve always wanted one but could never do it !

Kubo:  Even with your lightning reflexes ?   Huh !   That surprises me. 

Karin:  You know those stupid things are rigged, Kubo !   They make the catchers so thin no one can ever win !   Not even ninja  ! 

Kubo:  Maybe this year, a samurai will be victorious. 

Karin:  Well, I like your attitude about the challenge.  It is infectious, as well as encouraging.  I’ll see you to that promise then.   (leans forward and kisses him on the cheek)  For luck, samurai.

Hikari:  (hand over heart)  Oh, it does my heart good to see a little joy beginning to bloom, even between warring clans.  Perhaps it is an omen of better tidings ahead ?   I can only hope !  

(A fight breaks out between a samurai and a ninja who are debating over which one of them won a teddy bear to impress one of their lady loves…)

Daichi:  I clearly hit the target first, you oaf.  I’m surprised you can hit anything, given your lazy eye, Yoshihiro ! 

Yoshi:  I’d take that back if you knew what was good for you, Daichi.  

Daichi:  Oh, I’ll throw down with you anytime anywhere.   Just hope you’re wearing your lucky panties, because you’re about to need a new pair ! 

Yoshi:  (loudly)  Alright !  Who told the ninja about my collection !  That was meant to be private !

(The other seven go about, whistling, looking innocent and innocuous.)  

(Before they know it, they’re being fired upon and the festival is ripped to shreds.)  

Nori:   I don’t think this is a time to be feuding with anyone.   I say samurai and ninja put aside their grievances and work together against this menace.

Kobu:   I couldn’t’ agree more.  They ruined my takoyaki booth !  To think I was going to try to win Karin a goldfish.

Karin:  (gently)  There will be other festivals, Kobu.   (pats his hand gently)  

Kobu:  Goldfish not yet won, yet most assuredly dead, you will be avenged.  

Aki:  These aliens aren’t fighting fair.   Guys, get into formation, I’ve got a plan. 

(Right Here, Right Now by Fat Boy Slim plays in the background as the ninja set up their assault.  Etsuko makes gestures to Emi, and she relays the signals to the others to attack the alien menace.   They are so fast the lasers don’t touch them.   The samurai wait for the mothership to be taken down and at last it finally is.) 

Cadet:   So many of our soldiers are being laid waste !

Captain:   Get Shifter out there !   You’re the only one that can beat these simpletons at their own game. 

Shifter:   Yes, Master.   (bows and phases himself out of the mothership)  

(He fully integrates himself with the samurai as Hikari) 

Michiko:   Something isn’t right.   Your aura is dark.  

Shifter:   Whatever do you mean, Michiko ?   (starts to draw ray gun)
Jack:   Michiko, duck !   (shoots the Shifter before Shifter kills her, he dissipates into energy) 

Shifter:  (before he dies)  Mission, failed.  

Michiko:   Thanks for saving my bacon, Jack.  Those sparring classes must’ve taught you something over the years. 

(More ground troops start coming and are packing heat) 

Jack:  I appreciate the compliments but now’s not the time, Matron !  

(They go about their business hacking the aliens down to size.   The ninja locate the mothership and knock it out of the sky.   Things are getting interesting and the tables have turned in the good guy’s direction. Firestarter plays in the background while the playing field has become even keel.) 

Scene 4—Say Your Prayers  

Ensign:  Captain, our forces are declining more every moment…

Captain:  Don’t you think I am aware of that Ensign ?   Stating the obvious in a crucial moment such as this does not help, so shut your orifice!  

Cadet:   We, the mighty few.    Lieutenant, and Lieutenant JG.   Your deaths are not in vain.  

Captain:  (getting annoyed)   YOU go first, Cadet.   You wanted the terran experience.  What better way than to interact with these clods face to face ?

Cadet:  No, wait, I wanted to help keep the mothership… (teleported down to earth, surrounded by ninja and samurai)  Well, caca !   

(Michiko decapitates him, not even blinking) 

Hitoshi:  (vivisecting another that was behind him) 

Hanai:  They just won’t stop coming.  How many more of these aliens are there ? 

Kaede:   The ship’s been disabled.   There can’t be many of them left.   I don’t sense many lifeforms in this area. 

Karin:   I hope you’re right about that Kaede.  

Nori:  He usually is.  His sixth sense is bar none.   Don’t question it !   Just have faith ! 

(A massive battle ensues to ‘The Duel of Swords’ and eventually, Jack is faced with a showdown.  It’s between him and the Captain.)

Captain:  (runs at Jack enraged) 

Jack:  (Sheathes and unsheathes his sword, quickly, the Captain gasps for a moment and then literally, his energy comes undone and he is no more.)

Captain: (before dissipating into particles)  I…lost.    

(There is an eerie quiet and discord abounds all around them.   The samurai and ninja work together to clean up the mess and get back to the summer festival, in earnest and in proper fashion.) 
Scene 5—Back to the Festival

Etsuko:  I think it’s safe to say we can call the townspeople and tourists out of hiding.   Come out everyone, we’re all safe.   The alien threat has been eradicated.   I repeat.  The alien threat has been eradicated.

(The townspeople are making a big hubbub about what has just transpired.) 

Emi:   Let’s get back to what we initially started !  

(The townspeople concur wholeheartedly and the fete begins in earnest.   ‘Funk Soul Brother’ plays in the background, everyone is having a lavishly festive time.) 

Kubo:  Alright, Jiraya.   I’m going to win a goldfish from you.  Just you wait and see. 

Jiraya:   Seeing how you sliced and diced those aliens down to size, I wouldn’t doubt that.   I don’t think there is anything you can’t do. 

Kubo:   I can’t tie a sailor’s knot to save my life.   Lord knows I’ve tried.  

Jiraya: (laughs)   You’re still young.  Your fingers just might be clumsy.   Try again !

Karin:  (takes his arm)  I’m waiting, Kubo.   I know you’ll win that goldfish for me. 

Kubo:  (winking at her)  You bet, beautiful.  (And he does without even breaking a sweat, so quickly that Jiraya didn’t even have time to blink)  Et voila !  

Jiraya:  Maybe I should start calling you Speed of Sound Sonic ! 

(they laugh)  

Kubo:   Nah, I don’t want to get fined.   Here, my lovely.  

Karin:   (squeals happily and kisses him)  Thank you.  You are fantastic !  I’ll name him Mori.  Seems to suit him.  

Hikari:   I wonder if the rest of the oracle comes true.  

Hanai:   Why wonder about the future ?    We co-create, Hikari.   Let it flow.  Enjoy the present.

Hikari:  Says the impatient student I had wanting to break fingers, toes and spines in my dojo so many years ago !  

Hanai:  (fake pouts)  I was immature then !  

Emi:   We ninja owe you samurai an apology.  

Michiko:   No time like the present.  We accept.   After all, we should be coexisting rather than squabbling.   We make a better team than we do enemies ! 

Emi:  (puts her arm around Michiko)  Besides, you were pretty bad-assed out there, honey !  You gotta teach me how you move so fluidly with a sword.  

Michiko:   My classes begin in the fall.   I’m taking new students.  

Emi:  (brightens, avidly)  Where do I sign up ?  

Jack:   Funny how alien conflict seems to bring two warring clans together.   Granted we do kvetch from time to time, but it’s nothing harmful.    I have watched this community grow and thrive since we put the alien threat to rest.    We studied their craft and read their digital documents.   We learned they were the S’ron and had come to annihilate earth.    Untimely as their death was, they were a formidable foe, and we gave them a proper funeral even though they had been our enemies.    Long after the S’ron, ninja and samurai were now  reuniting, making families and living in harmony.    Everything is as Hikari said it would be since we took the ‘most desirable’ path.   And to be honest, it was much more felicitous this way.   

(The titular music from Naruto plays, music played by Keiko Matsui plays as well as Kazu.   Traditional bamboo flute and samisen music can be heard near the end.  Behind the scenes footage is shown as well as some bloopers.   Thanks is due to TTR, to whom this idea initially belongs.   The creation is thanks to Samurai Rebellion and The Magnificent Seven and its many iterations, including the most recent.)