Joe of Antiquities, Episode III: The Knot

Joe of Antiquities

Episode III: The Knot

Synopsis:  A prequel as well as a sequel.   Joe is sent on his greatest adventure to date.   He is summoned to locate the mysterious and powerful sword of Michael the Archangel in order to defeat a small group of devil worshipers lead by corrupt businessman Lucius Bane, who is literally going to sell his soul to Satan just so his corporation can take over the globe and force people to buy his shoddy, second rate products.  

~*~CAST~*~

Joe Prime: 

Dr. Joe Sharma: 

Seema Sharma: (his mom)

Apu Sharma:  (his dad)

Sweetu Sharma: (grandma)

Shah Sharma:  (grandfather)

Dr. Ishan Chowdry:  (Joe’s best friend)

Dr. Malala Chowdry: (his wife)

Paro Chowdry: (their daughter) 

Dr. Sanjay Chopra: (another one of Joe’s bf’s)

Dr. Saimaira ‘Sammy’ Chopra: (his wife) 

Aadhira ‘Hira’ Chopra: (their son) 

Raishi ‘Rai’ Chopra: (his younger brother)

Melody Sarandon: (Stephanie’s mother)

Leroy Sarandon: (Stephanie’s dad)

Stephanie Sarandon/Sharma:  (Joe’s love interest)

Arnold ‘Arnie’ Bowles:

Miranda Bowles: (Arnie’s wife) 

Layla Bowles: (their daughter) 

Otis Cullins:  (Ed’s best friend)

Flora Cullins: (Otis’ wife) 

Eddie Browne:

Billie Browne: (Kate’s best friend)

Gina Browne: (Billie’s younger sister)

Francine Browne: (Billie’s mom)

Patrick Powers:

Tiffany Powers : (Patrick’s wife)

Vera Powers: (Patrick’s mother)

Paul Powers: (Joe’s son-in-law)

Abigail Powers: (granddaughter)

Joey Powers: (grandson)

Dr. Levi Cohen: (Joe’s friend from college)

Leah Cohen: (Levi’s wife) 

Adina Cohen: (their daughter and also Kate’s friend)

Dimitri: (the Powers’ family dog) 

Lucius Bane: 

Occultist #1:

Occultist #2:

Occultist #3:

Occultist #4:

Occultist #5:

Occultist #6: 

Scene 1—College Life

Joe:  (on the stage, accepting his Doctorate)  Finally, after all these years, I get to stand by my best friend who kept encouraging me even in the toughest times. 

Levi:  Just to travel with you has been a privilege.   I can’t wait to see what you will uncover.   You always take the most mystical and unusual cases.  I’m like you.  I’m intrigued about what lies behind the curtain of conventional thought, that which we call unexplained.  

Joe:   All the other scientists dismissed these legends as lore, myth and tales confined to books.  

Levi:  You and I both know…

Joe/Levi:  Every legend contains a hint or nugget of truth, just waiting to be unearthed !

Joe: Ha, ha !   Right you are, old friend.   Can you imagine it though, we’ve crossed the threshold.  Now we lay siege to adulthood.  The land of freedom, empowerment…

Levi:  Confusion. 

Joe:  (tries not to burst out laughing)  Gee, you’re awfully grim.  Especially for such a merry occasion such as this. 

Levi:  (nudges Joe as soon as he sees Stephanie looking so radiant and confident about her diploma and doctorate degree)  So, when are you going to pull out the big guns ?

Joe:  Soon, Levi.  I wrote a song that’s sure to impress every fiber of her being !  

Levi:  (loud pat on the back enough so it nearly knocks him over)  You sly rake ! 

Joe:  At least I’m not a hoe !

Levi:  (lowers head)  Oy, vey.  You and your puns.  

Joe:  (narrating)  And like that I had gone out into the real world and I had found an opportune, auspicious locale to sing my ultimate song to Stephanie.  

(scene fade)

Scene 2—Where We Met

Joe:  (narrating)  It was the restaurant I had taken her to on our first date.  It was a homey, quaint Greek joint that she absolutely delighted in.  

(Sings My Proposal, and she accepts, hopping into his arms and kissing him incessantly, affectionately)

Steph:  Indubitably.  You know I will !  I’ve waited for years just to answer your inquiry.  

Joe:  (narrating) It had been a long time since we had been together and I had finally gathered the nerve to ask my best friend to join me on the adventure known as life.  We’d sail our vessel, together.   Just like in African Queen.  I’d work the engine, and she’d steer.  We’d be an indomitable, indefatigable team.  Matters, however, weren’t always that simple.  Our marriage had to be put on hold, so it seemed.   I and Steph both were thrust into a quest that could only be described as supernatural.  It went so far beyond anything we had ever known or heard of before.   Of course, I leapt at the chance to be a part of anything unique and she was always there as she had been before, supporting me the entirety of the way.  

(Scene fade, even though the proposal itself was immensely romantic and very sentimental, Joe is hurled into action thanks to the prompting of his closest friend.) 

Scene 3—The Universe’s Fate Hinges Upon You

Levi:  Joe, I don’t know if you’ve been receiving my communiques about this recently.

Joe:  (on the phone, wondering what this is all about)  Actually yes, I have, but why do you keep awakening me at the witching hour just to inform me of all this. 

Levi:  It’s integral I do.  The stake of the world, nay, the Universe, is at hand.

Joe:  So, call the tomb raider, and supernatural expert, Joe Sharma into the fray ?

Levi:  I don’t know anyone else with credentials like yours or your wife’s !  

Joe:  (droll chuckle)  I suppose I should be flattered, but you’ve ruined my beauty rest.  Neither I nor my wife make for good company when we’re cranky.   You know that, man !

Levi:  This is more important than that.  Lucius Bane.  I know you recognize that moniker. 

Joe:  Yes.  The man is terribly corrupt.  In years past he formed a cult and even consulted Ouija boards for advice.  It opened some nasty portals, or so legend tells.

Levi:  Actually you aren’t far off in your assessment.  He pulled together a team of devil worshippers this time.   They’re stronger than ever and he’s planning on selling his soul to Satan himself once these demonologists summon him from Hell.   If Beelzebub is unleashed, it could mean doom for the lot of us.   Lore tells of a place in Bozra that contains the sword of Michael.   No man has touched that sword and lived, save they be pure of heart.

Joe:  Levi, you’re asking a big favor.  I don’t know if I can be considered worthy.  Even if I am pure of heart, the glory of that sword alone is more than a mere mortal can handle. 

Levi:  I am aware of that, but I can see no one other than you to wield it.

Joe:  I suppose this means I’d better pack my bags again and get moving !   No time to waste. 

Levi:  Precisely not !  Time is of the essence  ! 

(Scene shift) 

Scene 4—Worthy of Michael’s Sword

Joe:  (narrating)  I carefully followed Levi’s instructions to an unknown location in Bozra.   There it was, mystically illuminating the entire cavern…

Lucius:   Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for. 

Occultist #1:  The darkness in this room is soul crushing !

Occultist #2:  (nearly salivating) It’s almost orgasmic ! 

Occultist #3:  (licking lips) Mmm…yes !

Lucius:  And with the precious holy relic in custody, there’s no possible way anyone can stop us from our summoning spell.  

Occultist #4:  I have all ingredients prepared for our equivalent exchange. 

Occultist #5:  Stop yappin’, start chantin’, ya mook ! 

Occultist #4:  (a bit angered)  Talk to me like that again and when the abyss opens to the  pit of hell, I’m sure to push you in it. 

Occultist #5:  Ah, that would be an honor.  I’ll drag you to hell with me, you bitch. 

Lucius:  Could we all just shut the hell up ?!   Good !   Get back to work ! 

Steph:   This is really giving me the creeps.   Should I be this scared, Joe ?

Joe:  It’s normal, but I need for you to create a diversion.

Steph:  Why is it always the beautiful, svelte, intelligent types ?   I mean, you could just send in a bimbo.  No loss there. 

Joe:  (shocked)  Stephanie  !   How cruel ! 

Steph:  I’m just saying !  I’m sorry, I blurt out insults when I’m scared.   By the way, khaki really isn’t your color. 

Joe:  (laughing)  I know you are saying that from a place of love, m’dove. 

(narrating)  So, she did as I asked even though she was petrified.   Lucius fell for it, but she nearly risked her life as well as her soul for my sake.   I noticed the sword was wrapped in cloth, but I unwrapped it, knowing full well what I was getting into. 

Occultist #6:   Oh, fudge !  Guys, he’s got Michael’s sword ! 

Lucius:  (drops Steph out of his clutches, she stamps down on his foot)  Damn you, you vile vixen !  

Steph:   (rushing behind Joe for protection)

Joe:  (gathering all his strength)  I invoke the strength of Michael, wielder of this holy weapon, to help me best all foes and lock the gates of hell ! 

Lucius:   No !   You can’t !  I’ve come too far to be beaten by the likes of you, tomb raider ! 

Occultist #1:   Man, we chose the WRONG religion.  

Occultist #2:  Don’t you mean anti-religion ?

Occultist #3:  Shut your traps and run like little bitches ! 

(They all run out of the structure that has begun to rumble, crack and begin falling.   Steph wants to stick to Joe’s side but he reprimands her.)

Joe:   Steph, you have to make a break for it.   This building is going to fall apart.  I’m holding something here that has been around during the creation of everything we know.  It’s power alone is incomprehensible.  

Steph:  I don’t want to leave you.   Joe, I love you. 

Joe:  And for the very reason that I love you, run.  (tears in his eyes)  Run and don’t look back.  

Steph:  (Trying not to cry herself but has tears in her eyes as she runs from the battle about ready to ensue) 

(There’s drastic, dramatic music in the background while Joe defeats Lucius and closes the gates of hell by turning the sword a quarter turn clockwise.  There’s an overwhelming amount of light and it finally overtakes him.   The entire structure falls and Michael emerges, sword by his side, and Joe in his arms, limp and lifeless.)

Steph:  Joe, no !   Why did you have to do this ? 

Joe:  (narrating)  Funny how events during death can become so muddled.  The past becomes the present, the present mixes with the past.   They say your life flashes before your eyes and the most important events become the highlights of your existence.   All I had known before me went speeding by and I saw my wife standing there with my family, crying.   I felt awful.  I couldn’t console them. 

(time flashes forward in time and we see all of his friends have gathered at his funeral, doing their best to hold back their tears.  It is more a celebration of life than anything.) 

Scene 5—Altruistic Until the End

Melody:  We certainly will miss Joseph.   He was a good man, a fine gentleman with a razor wit.   He was also quite intrepid and courageous.   Had it not been for his unselfish deeds, who knows what would have happened.  

Leroy:  There was no better person I know to be my daughter’s husband or friend than Joe.  

Miranda:  Arnie and I will always recall the happy times that we spent together. 

Arnie:  Here’s a cup of exuberance and every blessing to you and your family.  Joe, you really taught us what it is to live and what it is to be completely heart driven.  You da man, Joey !  

Levi:  Here, here !  

Patrick:  Joe was like a second dad to me.  I was glad to have him in my family.  I know his unmatched advice will aide us well into our golden years.  

Stephanie:  It’s difficult to do this, more than anything I have ever done, but no one had a heart like my Joey.   He was a brave man, a doting father and a loyal friend.   Because of his sacrifice, we can all sleep easier at night.   Love you my darling. 

Joe:  (narrating)  In heaven, there are no tears, but seeing everyone gathered here at my funeral actually made me realize just how short life actually is.  I’m with Akashay, reminiscing about his antics and adventures.  Turns out I am more like him than I thought.  (laughs)  This event has no sadness to me at all and it is full of hope and promise.   For some strange reason, I feel like this isn’t all there is for me, like I’m meant for something more on Earth.  Call it crazy or even impossible but I have a feeling I’m in for a second act.   As for my family, they’ll carry on my legacy, I’m sure of that.   Stephanie will find love again.  I wouldn’t want her to live the rest of her life alone, and my family needs a strong male role model.  It will come in time and I will intend it into manifestation.   No, this isn’t the final bow for yours truly.   Only the Sparkler knows what is ahead.   That’s the enjoyment of this thing called ‘life’.  

(We see a TBC at the end, knowing we’re going to be launched into a spin off.   ‘Escape’ plays as we see a reel of all of the highlights of Joe’s life play, including his most unbelievable and paranormal fight.   The credits read at the end, ‘Joe will Return in Jill of Antiquities, Tomb Raider Reborn’.)