Joe of Antiquities: Episode I--The Fedora Complex

Joe of Antiquities

Episode I—The Fedora Complex

Synopsis:  Joe meets his future wife in middle school and receives a fedora which was originally worn (and strangely enough in exceptional condition despite its ‘weathered’ condition) by Akashay Sharma, the original Indian Joe and ‘Tomb raider Sharma’ for his birthday.  There is a map hidden inside its brim which leads him to a time machine.  It explains all the woozy feelings he’s been having due to quantum flux and the proximity he has to himself in the present.  Joe meets his future self who gives him advice on wooing the girl of his dreams.  

~*~CAST~*~

Joe Sharma: 

Future Joe: 

Seema Sharma: (his mom)

Apu Sharma:  (his dad) 

Sweetu Sharma: (grandma)

Shah Sharma:  (grandfather)

Ishan Chowdry:  (Joe’s best friend) 

Sanjay Chopra: (another one of Joe’s bf’s)

   Melody Sarandon: (Stephanie’s mother)

Leroy Sarandon: (Stephanie’s dad) 

Stephanie Sarandon:  (Joe’s love interest)

Francine Smith: (Eddie’s girlfriend) 

Arnold ‘Arnie’ Bowles:

Otis Cullins:  (Ed’s best friend)

Eddie Browne: 

Patrick Powers:  

Tiffany McMahon : (Patrick’s girlfriend)

Vera Powers: (Patrick’s mother) 

Vladimir: (Patrick’s Husky)   

Scene 1—Strong 16 ! 

Joe:  (narrating)  My name’s Joseph Sharma, and yep, by the name, you can tell my decent.  I know where I come from and to tell you the truth, I feel like today is going to steer the direction I will be going for the rest of my life.   This birthday party is going to be gargantuan !  We made a trip especially to India for holiday and we’re celebrating in style.  I think mom, dad, grandma and grandpa went a little bit far this time but since I am their only son, they tend to spoil me slightly.   (giggles) 

(The whole family sings happy birthday to him after he has opened his presents.  He even receives his many-times great grandfather’s fedora.)

Joe:  How did you know I wanted this, dad ?  You’re so hip ! 

Apu:  At least try it on ! 

Shah:  I kept it all these years.  It had to be sealed away heremetically so it didn’t completely degrade. 

Joe:  It’s only slightly weathered.  (smiles)  Wait until my friends catch a glimpse of me in this beauty.  I will be the envy of everyone ! (aside) Not only that but Stephanie might notice me for once ! 

Seema:  What was that Joey ? Didn’t quite hear you, honey. 

Joe: (bashfully, arm behind head)  Oh, nothing !  (muttering)  Nothing at all.  (feels something strange in his hat and a map falls out)  Many times great-grandpa Akashay must’ve drawn up this map himself.  Why didn’t you tell me there was a map hidden in his hat ?   It’s still in one piece !   Fantastic ! 

Ishan:  Are you feeling alright, Joe ?  You look a bit pale. 

Sanjay:   Yeah, you don’t look so good. 

Joe:  (rubbing his temples)  This map is giving me a headache.  I’m really sorry guys.  I don’t mean to ruin my own party but my head is killing me.

Ishan:  No worries.  It is pretty hot today.  Thanks for a splendid party nonetheless.  Many happy and blessed returns, mate.

Sanjay:  Yeah, hope you feel better soon.  Headaches suck, especially in this weather.

Joe:  Sorry Ishan !  Sorry, Sanjay ! 

(His friends hug him tightly, leave to go home and he heads to his room to take a nap but is visited by his future self.  ‘Step Towards Greatness’ is sung in his mind’s eye.) 

Future Joe:  Wonder how I got here ?  Well, I can’t reveal everything to you, but you’ll figure it out all in time.  Heh, time travel joke.  I kill me. 

Joe:  You’re (slight beat) me, right ?

Future Joe:  (grinning)  Bingo-bango-bongo, kid.  Anyways, this won’t be the first time we meet.  Just follow Akashay’s map.  It’ll lead you to your first time machine in ancient Greece. 

Joe:  Am I really going to be exactly like Akashay someday ?

FJ:  (brilliant smile)  I wish I could reveal everything but honestly I don’t really understand how quantum physics and theoretical physics work in the natural, so, I’m trying not to roll dice with the Universe too much. 

Joe:  Smart of you.

FJ:  (a bit self-appreciatory, maybe slightly conceited)  Yes, definitely smart of me.   I’ll be seeing you around then.  Take care, ok ?   Oh, and many happy returns. 

(Current Joe is so overklempt by the visitation by his future self that he simply plotzes.   Scene fade.) 

Scene 2—Gearing Up for Better Things

Ishan:  (at the terminal)   I hate it when you have to leave.   Promise you’ll keep in touch via mail, please ! 

Sanjay:  You know he will, he’s trustworthy.   Brother, I’m going to miss you.

Joe:  Stop it with the waterworks already.   You know I come back for holidays, so it’s not like I’m going away completely. 

Ishan:   We know Joe.   It’s the duration that’s hard on us. 

(They hug him, crying quite a bit) 

Joe:  Guys, come on.  You’re embarrassing yourselves, and me ! 

(He consoles them and says his final goodbyes, knowing he’ll see his friends again someday soon.  Scene fade.) 

Eddie:  If it isn’t Joe ! 

Otis:  What’s with the fedora ?  You look totally boss ! 

Joe:  (cocks it at a jaunty angle, walking with flair)  This belonged to my many times great grandfather, Akashay.  I’m planning on becoming an archeologist.  I want to raid tombs just like he did. 

Pat:  That’s going to take quite some time though, isn’t it ?

Joe:  Doesn’t matter.  I’m following the illustrious Sharma legacy.  

Stephanie:  (walking by, ‘Special Angel’ plays in the background.  Joe is completely smitten)  Welcome back, Joseph. 

Joe:  (flirtatiously)   Good to be back.   I even brought you a little something. 

Stephanie:  You shouldn’t have. 

Joe:  If I didn’t bring back something for my best friend, what kind of friend would I be ?  Hold out your hand, if you would. 

Steph:  (She does, smiling) 

Joe:  (delicately puts a friendship bracelet on her wrist)  To accentuate your beauty. 

Steph:  (admiring it)  It’s splendid.   Thank you, Joe.   (goes up to him and kisses his cheek, he nearly melts in response) 

Eddie:  Dang, you are smooth, Joe !  

(She walks away with a bit of a sultriness to her saunter.) 

Joe:  Oh, it’s only the beginning of a beautiful relationship.   Friendship bracelets are phase one in my ingenious plan. 

Otis:  You’ve gotta teach us, man.  

Pat:  Yeah !   We’ve already pegged our dames for us, but we’ve gotta keep the fires roliling if you know what I mean.

Joe:  (wink)  Oh, I understand completely.  I’ll never tell you where I got my information from but I’ll be glad to be your love guru. 

(Narrating) And that’s what I became.   It wasn’t until later on in life that I traveled to Greece to have the auspicious meeting with myself again.  I learned I had to keep treating Steph right and going out of my way just to make her smile.   Friendship was just the starting point, because after all, love is friendship.   My mates had become item couples in middle school of all places and they were happy but they were far ahead of where I wanted to be with Steph.   We hadn’t started dating yet, but something told me in high school that would all change.   I just had to let her know I was serious.

(Scene shift)

Scene 3—Growing Older, Growing Bolder

(Joe is now in high school and his friends are in serious relationships now.  He is still friends with Steph but she isn’t convinced of his devotion, until this very moment.)

Joe:  Can you believe it, we’re freshmen !  

Steph:   Time really has zoomed by, hasn’t it ?

Joe:  I was thinking of you all that time I was in India, too.   I wanted to show you just how devoted I am.

Steph:  (bemused)  Now this I have to see.  We’ve been dating for such a long time now.  When did you decide to become serious ?

(She laughs)

Joe:  Oh, you laugh now but wait until I see what I bought you.  I saved quite a bit of money for this one, starlight. 

(He reveals a stunning, spellbinding necklace.)

Joe:  I did odd jobs just to afford this.   I don’t think it could adorn anyone’s neck so appropriately.  (he puts it on her and kisses her neck gently from behind) 

Steph: (giggling)  Joe, I can’t believe you went to this much trouble.

Joe:  No trouble at all my darling.  No trouble.  

Steph:  (turns around to face him and plants a massive smacker right on his lips)  I love you.  I always have.   You’re mine ! 

Joe: (laughing)  As are you, dear.  

(narrating)  From that moment on, we became an official couple but it wasn’t always sunshine, raindrops and rainbows.   Yes, I changed and I didn’t realize that my identity had been supplanted.   It was only when something huge occurred that my ‘whipped’ status changed for the better. 

(Scene fade…To be Continued !)

(‘Whistle With Me’ plays as the credits roll, followed by ‘The Pappi Song’, bloopers and etc.)