Call Me Jaime Raye

Synopsis: A Jay/Silent Bob fic where Jaime Raye meets her doppelganger and ultimately falls for him. Same goes for her sidekick, Roberta, who in this AU is not-so-silent. Instead of being drug-pushers, these two little entrepreneurs actually sell CBD, hemp related products they grow and pot out of Jaime’s backyard. Jaime lives in a duplex with ‘Quiet Roberta’. Quiet is contemplative, but not really ‘quiet’ completely. She is a deep, profound, philosophical soul. Jaime also is a scholar in her own regard.

‘I’m not even supposed to be here today !’--Dante, Clerks

Chapter 1—Falling Through the Void

Jaime had set up shop as she usually did with Roberta. Roberta was in one of her contemplative moods and discussing the finer points of a TV show called The Boys. She and Jaime were impressed on how multilayered the characters were, its social commentary and just how pertinent the subject matter was.

‘I still love Starlight. How she stood up for herself. Eventually, her integrity wins the day.’, Jaime rambled. Bobbie adored the Hughlight ship, especially after Robin’s gory, drastic and tragic death right off the bat in episode 1.

‘I know, Bobbie and totally concur ! Hughie deserves a smack load of happiness ! Ooh, here come some customers. Act professional, Bobbie.’, Jaime said. They were dressed sharply and had a permit, but despite that small business license, soliciting was illegal. They made their first score of the day, which was followed by a few stragglers until Darla showed up.

‘Hey, you natty rat ! Don’t you know snitches get stitches, and ain’t no PIG gonna keep Jaime and Quiet Bobbie down !’, Jaime avowed as they ran away like cowards. Bobbie was ever thoughtful, helpful and protective of his best friend. She was more of a follower than leader, but she didn’t want her getting caught. She gave her a boost over the chain link fence and climbed, chasing after her.

The two proprietors escaped as they had before. Darla was no real threat. She could never keep up to them. Even Brenda couldn’t run so fast as they could, and she ran track.

‘We escaped for another day.’, Jaime said, catching her breath. Roberta hugged her best friend.

‘Hey, it’s not as if we were gonna die back there, Bobbie. Eesh.’, she added. Bobbie rolled her eyes. Suddenly there was a huge gash ripped into space/time. No one knows why, how or what caused this phenomenal disturbance to occur. It just happened. It sucked the buddies into a realm out of space and time. It wasn’t the Jersey they knew, let alone the Jersey they were from. No. This was an alternate universe timeline.

Chapter 2—My Double Is...So BEAUTIFUL !

Jaime had hit something solid rather hard and it had her aching. Bobbie had found herself in the lap of a rather strapping, beefy young man that was a dead ringer for her, save he was male.

‘Bob ! Bob, look at this ! I don’t f-ing believe what I am seeing !’, Jay exclaimed. Bobbie had already been helped to her feet. She did a real life ‘mirror image spiel’ just like the one in the famous Duck Soup comedy that solidified the Marx brothers fame as a comedic quartet. Before long, the two were engaging in chess and seeing which of them had more mental acuity.

‘I didn’t mean to hit you that hard...you see, there was this rift.’, Jaime started.

‘I know, it just BOOSH ! Came out of nowhere, man...’, Jay said. He held his hands against hers. Jaime felt her face grow hot and she had to turn her gaze momentarily. She had to admit that the male version of herself was rather hot.

‘My double is so beautiful...’, Jay said aloud. He was in complete awe, flabbergasted, taken aback and mesmerized.

‘This isn’t real...’, he said as he studied her and looked at her deeply in the eyes. Again, Jaime squealed like a schoolgirl, tittered and snorted. Jaime couldn’t help but laugh.

‘My GOD you are sexy and damned cute...’, he said. He wanted to know more about her. He could feel a connection between them and also turned a bit red himself.

‘This is so trippy.’, Jaime stated.

‘You aren’t hurt too bad, are you ?’, Jay questioned. Bobbie and Bob were now engaging in street hockey. Bobby clearly had the upper hand and was defeating Bob at every turn.

‘No. That impact nearly knocked the wind out of me though.’, Jaime confessed.

‘Heh, look at Bob go. He likes your girlfriend quite a bit. I can see they are aptly matched. Which makes me think...Would you wanna go out with me ? You know, ditch this hell hole ?’, Jay proposed.

‘Snootch to the nootch man...’, Jaime answered. Jay held his hand over his heart.

‘You are an angel… You must be.’, Jay waxed poetic. He had a feeling that maybe all of them would get lucky that night if they played their cards just right.

Chapter 3—How to Woo A Doppelganger

Roberta and Bob went to Jersey Shore and Jay followed along with Jaime. They road the famous roller coaster that, yes, though rickety, was both historical and terrifying. Jaime had never laughed so hard or so much. The two had held hands the entire ride. Jay had experienced lust many times and yes, had boasted of his sexcapades of ‘boppin’ hoes’, but this was a different sensational altogether. This was the love that Bob had spoken about. He remembered Silent Bob’s tale of chasing Amy and what that had been like. It caused a part of him to die when he let her go. He wondered whatever came of Amy. None of that really mattered because Bob was having a blast with Roberta. The two were busting a gut laughing on Wipeout and then boarded the Roulette Table.

Jay took Jaime on the zephyr, which was an all time favorite amusement ride for both of them. As the swings lifted off the ground and soared higher and higher into the atmosphere, he reached out his hand and squeezed her soft, velveteen one. He felt a sensation, much nicer than that of getting shocked by an electrical outlet. It was fiery, ethereal, uncanny. It was love, lust and life. It was everything and all things and even though he couldn’t comprehend it, he just knew it was right to be with his doppelganger, even if it was only for a day.

Jay knew how to romance a woman, even though his compatriots would say he was simply a ‘slut sewing wild oats’, or ‘having his cake and eating it too’. This woman was different. He loved her immensely with an unequivocal love, ineffable, but palpable.

‘Would you want to go to the beach with me ? We’re not that far from the shoreline. We could just leave Bob and Bobbie to their own devices. I’m sure they’ll be juuuust fine.’, he said. Jaime grinned. Luckily she had prepared. For some reason, she was wearing a bright aquamarine bikini under her typical ‘gangsta’ clothes. She grinned and grabbed Jaime’s hand. The two dashed toward the surf and started having a blast in the ocean.

The day wore on and Jaime and Jay found themselves on the shore, looking at each other contemplatively. He made the first move to kiss her and the attraction only became stronger. Jaime was an unbelievably good kisser and she knew all of his soft spots that made the experience even more sensual. They hoped no one else was watching, and even if they were, the worst that could happen is that they would be arrested for indecent exposure. Jay had a condom and whispered in Jaime’s ear,

‘It may not be the most romantic of places to make love but I can’t seem to stop myself.’, he admitted. She wanted sex as much as he did, but thankfully dusk had set in. Coney Island had closed for the late evening. Bob and Bobbie were off doing the horizontal mambo in a club where no one else would ever know they were ‘getting down and dirty’.

They orgasmed over and over being together, so much so that Jay lightly nibbled Jaime’s collarbone.

‘Oh, you animal !’, she purred, nibbling his neck, chest and lightly gumming his nipples. Jay quivered.

‘You goddess, you’re driving me nuts !’, he said, finding himself unable to hold back again. He orgasmed one last time and curled up next to Jaime, holding her next to his heart.

‘Unbelievable. That was the most intense, remarkable, explosive lovemaking...’, he said before Jaime locked lips with him.

‘I know. I love you too.’, she stated, matter-of-factly. The two lay together, watching the moon shine away in the sky. Jay was so tuckered out from the sex that he fell asleep. Instantly a portal opened and sucked only Jaime away.

‘I’ll never forget you !’, she screamed. Jay, who wouldn’t be awakened unless it was World War III, continued snoozing away, lost in his own perfect little dreamworld.

Chapter 4—Strange, Familiar and Unbelievable

Jaime and Roberta had returned to their own timeline in their own version of America. Confused as before, the two noticed that not much had changed. Darla had still begged and pleaded with them not to solicit their CBD goodies, hemp jewelry and soap made of goats milk. Jaime had only begun making her own ecologically friendly version of makeup. Roberta was always the guinea pig but fortunately, she never really had a rash or breakouts since Jaime knew what chemicals could irritate skin. She had paid attention in her chemistry, biology and botany classes before she and Roberta dropped out. They had gone to school long enough to earn a GED and that was all that was necessary. They roomed together and helped each other out. God only knew their negligent excuses for parents would never have done so.

‘We just got lucky with ourselves...Man, that sounds so gross, and so weird.’, Jaime commented as they scored another sale with an elderly woman, who was simply looking to lessen arthritis pain. She swore on CBD and had been pain free for a good long while. Jaime and Roberta were her main suppliers and they gave little Ms. Gardenia the best bang for her buck.

‘It wasn’t gross. It was strange, familiar and unbelievable.’, Roberta commented, her face glowing in ecstasy. She was still radiant from the denouement of sex. They knew they’d never see their own doubles again, but it would certainly be a fun little quantum entanglement story to tell their kiddos if and when they ever became moms.

Epilogue

Jaime and Roberta are, still to this day, the best entrepreneurs on the block. They had moved from soliciting to having their own office. It was strange for them, but they enacted their own dress code. It was business casual and it still suited their purpose. They looked professional enough to be thought of as trustworthy but not too snooty or uppity to think they were better than everyone else. No, they were the blue-collar version of Bed, Bath and Beyond. The two spread their philosophy and their success to symposiums all across the US and have even had interviews on Conan, Steve Colbert and Lily Singh’s late night talk show. So, before you say ‘street people can’t change’, don’t be so judgy and look to the example of two women who took their passion and rocked the hell out of it.

The End