Chimi & Changa: Jamaican Me Crazy

Synopsis:  Chimi and Changa take some time off work with their well-earned cash and head to the 4:20 capital of the world, Jamaica, mon.   Ja love, reight ?   Seems all is well and every lil’ ting gonna be al-reight until Byron shows up with his gals, in full tilt swing mode and ‘hornier than a Freshman during Spring Break’.   Not only that but they have their copper friends lurking undercover, watching them and trying to catch them breaking the law.  Thing is, Jamaica law is different than American law and the rules don’t apply here.   

~*~CAST~*~

Conchita ‘Chimi’ Lopez:

Ferdinand Lopez:

Bruno Lopez: (their son)

Mariposa ‘Mary’ Lopez: (their unborn daughter)

Lupita Chiquita: (her mom)

Salvador Chiquita: (her dad)  

Joaquin Chiquita: (her grandpa)  

Lori Chang:  

Li Chang: (her dad)  

Bluebell Chang:  (her mom)

Kabe Chang: (her grandfather)

Fiona Chang: (her grandmother)  

Officer Bill DeMayo:   

Officer Cincinnati ‘Cincy’ DeMayo: (his brother)

DJ Pop n’ Lock: (Dante Knowles)

Rainbow Love/Knowles:

Lord Byron Baudelaire III:

Claire Baudelaire: (wife #1)

Stephanie Baudelaire: (wife #2)

Haylee Blaze:

Frank Roach:  

Jacob Junior:

Rebecca Cohen:

Kabe Eli Cohen:

Solomon Cohen: (Jake’s dad)  

Esther Cohen: (Jake’s mom)

Rebecca Cohen: (Jake’s grandmother)

Scene 1--Off to Jamaica, Mon !

Kabe:  Man, oh MAN !   I have been waiting years for this, Lori !   This is the best anniversary you could give to any grandparent.  (hugs her a little bit over-enthusiastically)  

Lori:  I’m pleased you’re happy, gramps, but could you ease up a little and let me breathe ?

Kabe:  (lets loose of his grip a little)  Sorry !  I guess I’m really psyched about this trip.  I guess it’s the only time Fiona and I have ever really been to another country other than Korea.   

Fiona:  What about our honeymoon in Japan, Kabe, dear ?

Kabe:  (laughing)  Fi, you know I was blitzed out of my mind on that vacation.   I recall it pleasantly but I think too much sake fried my grey matter.   

Fiona:  (nuzzles him)  I still think it was the most romantic vacation ever...You and me in that couples onsen….(getting a bit hot and heavy with her)  

Bluebell:  Aw, mom, gross !   

Li:  Come on Bluebell, let ‘em canoodle.  Lord knows this vacation will give us the imbroglio of passion we deserve.   

Blue: (giggling and tittering like a teenager)  Ooo, Li.  You dog, you !   

Lori:  Jamaica, mon !   4:20 all the time !   

Kabe:  What are you talking about, Lori, it’s only 1:00 our time back home.   

Chimi:  (gently)  Oh nothing, hon.  (pulls Lori aside by the ear)  Do you want to give your grandfather a heart attack at his age ?   Let’s just enjoy the vacation without bringing ganga into the discussion, k ?  

Lori:  Message received, loud and clear, Cap’n !   (salutes)  

(A revised more ‘hip-hop’ version of ‘Yellow Bird’ is playing in the background on steel drums followed by Bob Marley ‘Don’t Worry ‘Bout a Thing’. )

(Scene shift to the beach.  It is paradise here.  Dante and his wife are taking in all the beauty.   The more modern version of ‘Baby I Love Your Way’ plays.)  

Chimi:  Pop n’ Lock !   Is that you ?   

Dante:  Yeah !   Hey, girl !   You, Ferdi and the kids are lookin’ fab.   

Bruno:  Thanks !   

Mary:  You’re sweet, P n’ L.   

Rainbow:  It’s hard to believe that only a year ago, Chimi was my bridesmaid.   

Fernando:  (holding Chimi around the waist, affectionately)  Yes.  I was prouder than a peacock to be the best man.  Pop looked boss in that suit.  

Dante:  It’s our 1 year anniversary already.   Who would’ve thought that I would see you both here in Jamaica.   Man, that’s just crazy.   Small coincidental world, huh ?  

Changa:  No such things as coincidences, dude.   We’re all here for a reason.  

Dante:  You are one deep stoner, chick.   

JJ:  Mommy, what’s a stoner ?   

Changa:  (gently, reprovingly, down at his level)  I’ll tell you when you’re older, Junior.  

JJ:  Awww.  Well, mom, I’m gonna go play with Mary n’ Bruno.  Hey, do you guys wanna play tag ?  

Mary:  Yeah, but you know Bruno’s going to beat all of us.

Bruno:  (being somewhat of a braggart)  All day, every day, sweetheart.   

Jake:  (watching them run off)  I can’t believe it, they grow up so fast.   Especially Kabe and Rebecca.  It’s like yesterday I was changing their diapers and now they’re off and running all by themselves.   (loudly)  Kabe, Rebecca, Junior !  Where I can see you !  

Kabe:  Aw, come on, dad.   Don’t be a dad icopter.  

Jake:  I’ll hover where I want, when I want, little mister.  

Kabe: (shakes head)   

Dante: I’m going to be hosting a party tonight, if y'all are interested.

Rainbow:  Even on vacation, he finds an excuse to do work.  

Dante:  Rainbow, it’s not work if you enjoy it.  (he kisses her cheek and hugs her tightly, Rainbow blushes and pats her expectant belly.)  

Rainbow:  To think we’re going to have our own DJ in a while.  

Changa:  Now that’s clever.   (they laugh)  

(More Bob Marley tunes play and everyone is savoring the atmosphere.)   

Lupita:  Smell that jerk pork !  I am starving.

Joaquin:  I don’t know about you guys, main, but I am headin’ toward that succulent scent !  

(In the background, they’re being watched by the police.)  

Cincy:  I followed you deviants here...All I have to do now is catch you in the act.   Changa, you’ve had a good run, and Chimi, sorry, girl, but you’re an accessory.  Damn fine lookin’ women and hate to put orange on ya, but you’re gonna come back with me in cuffs if it’s the last thing we do.    Right, Bill.

Bill:  You bet your holster, bro.   I overheard the whole crew talking about a beach party later this afternoon.   That’ll be the best possible moment to strike.   Oh, we’ll get ‘em.   I guarantee you.   We’ve worked hard enough to reach this point in our lives.  

Cincy:  Damned straight, Bill.   I will fight like hell to get these delinquents.  

(Scene fade)  

Scene 2--The More the Merrier

(DJ Pop and Lock plays ‘Mr. Bombastic’ followed by Gloria Estefan's ‘Conga’.   Chimi is really cutting a rug and dancing saucily.)

Ferdi:  Ooo, you’re killing me softly with your song, cara.   

Byron:  (sensually) I’ll say.   Look who’s here.  The one that got away.  (walks up to her and kisses her hand, Ferdinand looks irate)  

Ferdi:  (staring daggers at Byron)  You’d better best step off, Byron.

Byron:  (looking him over)  Oh, I mean no harm.  You, though. Mmm, what a feast for the eyes.  My GOD, you’re like Adonis.   

Ferdi:  (strangely flattered, even blushes slightly)  Touched, I’m sure, but you know I don’t swing that way, By.  

Byron:  (flirting)  Your loss, Bully boy.   (enjoying the atmosphere, he seems to be very zen but also very hedonistic) I have other business to attend to.  So much eye candy, not sure where to start.    Come on girls !   

(The wives wink and Salvador can’t believe what he’s seeing.)

Sal:  So the rumors were true about Mr. Baudelaire.   My only question is how does he keep his ladies entertained ?   

Chimi:  Papi !  (sticks tongue out) Gross !  I think you know.   

Sal:  I’m stickin’ to the gal I have.  (hugs her close and kisses her, catching her off guard)  

Lupita:  Sal, what’s gotten into you ?

Sal:  Good food, exquisite company and the brilliance of your smile have hypnotised me.  The lava hot blood of this Latin lover runs wild tonight.   (dips her down and kisses her deeply)

Haylee:  Hey !   Look who’s here !  

Frank:  Yeah, who would’ve thunk it ?   

Changa:  Woah, man !   You guys too ?  Are we, like, having a family reunion ?  

Haylee:  No, we’re runnin’ game here too.   

Frank:  This is the perfect format !   

(The others are too busy partying to be bothered.)

Chimi: (pulls them aside)  Guys !   Keep your voices down.   I have the sneaking suspicion we were being watched and we might as well act the part of tourists on vacation if we don’t want to get busted.   

Changa:  (puts her arm around her friend)  You really need to lay back a bit, babe.  A little ganghe does the body wonders.  

Chimi:  (rolls eyes)   You know I’m glad our children aren’t here to have me explain that Auntie Changa’s a pothead.   

Changa:  Aw, come on.   They’re gonna be opened minded to it later on.   

Chimi: I still feel we’re being watched.  I get the feeling.  

Changa:  (pulls out a cookie, and Chimi can tell it’s laced with doobie)  Come on, have a snack.  It’ll help you relax.  (holds it between her teeth and starts to ‘feed’ Chimi with it.)  

Chimi:  (eating)  Byron is watching.  

Changa:  Let him watch.  He means no harm.  

Chimi:  I thought I overheard him say he was hornier than a Freshman on spring break though.   

Changa:  He seems to have his sights on another couple, so we’re safe.  

Chimi:  For the time being.    Hey, do you know where all the old folks went ?  

(There are amorous noises coming from the private cabins.)

Changa:   Holy shit.  They are really going at it.    Go GRAMPS !  You weren’t kidding when you said you’d rock granny’s world.   Speaking of which, I’m having a bit of the urge to merge myself.  

(‘For Free’ plays in the background and she shuffles off with Jake. Jake flashes the peace sign and winks, wriggling his eyebrows mouthing, ‘Jake’s about to get lucky.)  

(Pop N’ Lock drops Nikki Minaj’s ‘Money Moves’ and Chimi starts dancing like a boss.  Her whole world has become a whole lot more colorful and we see it through her eyes.   She sees flying multicolored narwhals with light saber horns, unicorns, Lisa Frank bedabbled griffins, a sphinx that comes and rests against her.)  

Ferdi:  You ok ?  

Chimi:  Do you see this ?  This is really surreal.  

Ferdi:  (holds her against him)  You are even more so.   (sings ‘Symphony of Love’.  The next scene is done in silhouette of them dancing seductively to what seems to be a combination mambo, salsa, cha cha and tango.   Then the two do their typical ‘Ole 1  Toro, toro !’ spiel and collapse in the sand.)   

(scene shift)

Scene 3--The Cops Just Can’t Win

(Being gentlemen, their rivals cover them with a towel and let them come to.   Luckily the kids were tuckered out, so they don’t see their parents in their birthday suits.)   

Cincy:  Come on, hippies.   Time to wake up.

Chimi:  Ugh.  What time is it ?   Why is everything still spinning ?   (realization)  Changa !   Those magic cookies...Ooo, if I get my hands on her, I’m gonna colcock her into next Tuesday !    

Ferdi:  (waking up, more relaxed, chilled out personality)  Don’t be so harsh on her.  Oh hey, Officer.   You didn’t come all the way here just to try and arrest us did you ?

Bob:  Actually we both did.   We’ve been following you.  

Chimi:  That’s messed up, man.  (They both get dressed and dust the sand off their bodies)  

Ferdi:  You’re not thinking of arresting us ?   Come on, we’re on vacation…

Changa:  Wait !  (panting and catching up)  

(The officers look at each other as if to say, what the heck, her accomplice has totally gone crackers.)

Jake:  (Following after)   What are you in such a hurry about !   Woah, holy Moses !  What’s happening here ?  

Changa:  Both of you, stop !   Chimi and Ferdi are completely legal, as are all of us.   You have no jurisdiction here.  So, if you want my advice, officers, I’d check how much vacay time you have left and live on some island time for a while.  

Cincy:  God DAMN it.  She’s right.   

Bob:  No shit ?

Cincy:  No shit.   

Bob:  We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience.   

(The police officers retreat, muttering to each other, rather unhappy about the situation.)

Chimi: (Hugging Changa)  Well, Lori, there’s another moment where you’ve saved our bacon.  

Jake:  I’m starvin’.   When are we gonna have some island cookin ?  

Changa:   We’re all taking a tour of the island.   Might as well get educated and hey, I might even hit up some good contacts here if I ever decide to set up a time share when I retire.   

Chimi:  (narrating)  Narrowly escaping the long arm of the law again, forgetting embarrassment, we schlepped the kids along with us to one of the best restaurants around.   We also savored surfing, snorkeling and savored the rich, metallic drone of steel drums.   Sadly, it was about time for us to return to our normal lives.   Changa did set up a timeshare with a new friend named Marley.   One day, we’ll all live in it but now we’re just recovering from jet lag and our lives have returned to ‘normal’ or whatever that means…

(We see our family revert to typical, so-called ‘mundane’ lives.   Ferdi holds his beloved wife from behind, kissing her neck, ala SRK.   He holds his family close and beams a humongous smile.   ‘Who wants popcorn !’, he questions as they all watch a family movie together and relax on a weeknight.   Meanwhile, Cincy is watching from a distance.)

Cincy:  Steakout...Huh.   I wonder who came up with that piss poor definition.  

Bob:  Yeah, with ya there, Bro.   Should be called ‘creepy peepers party’ or something.    There’s nothing though.   Let’s just bust some speeders.   That always makes you feel better and like you earned your badge for something.  

Cincy:   You always know how to cheer me up, bro.  

(The two walk into the sunset while a very Jamaican version of ‘Bad Boys’ plays, ‘Jammin’ follows not long after that as the two are laughing and not really caring about another thwarted scheme to catch their perps in the act.   Credits roll, ‘Gimme That Stuff’ plays followed by 24 Hours and Wiz Khalifa's latest ‘What You Like’.   Bloopers are shown and Marley is shown with a ‘Looney Tunes’ logo, saying ‘Baggie baggie baggie, stay blazed, folks !)