Overjewing It

Synopsis:  Andrew Jacob Mallory had always connected with Jewish people, so far in fact that most of his friends are Jewish, Asian or black.   To prove himself to his girlfriend, Naomi Rosenberg, he sends in a saliva test to 23andMe and waits for the results...And the results are… ?   

~*~CAST~*~

Andrew Jacob Mallory:

Arnold Mallory: (his dad)

Dymphna Mallory: (his mom)  

Monica Mallory: (his grandmother)

Naomi Rosenberg:

Myriam Rosenberg: (her mother)

Eli Rosenberg: (Naomi’s fraternal brother)

Saul Rosenberg: (her papa)

Isaac Rosenberg: (her grandpapa)

Leroy Arnold: (Andy’s best friend)

Raphael ‘Raph’ DeSanto: (Leroy’s DJ contact)

Cleo: (a stripper at the bar that dresses like Cleopatra)

Mary Todd: (another stripper that dresses like Mary Todd Lincoln)

Roxanne: (obvious stripper, named after the song)

Jessica Deets: (Naomi’s best friend)

Valentinia Freer: (Naomi’s other best friend)

‘I’m not obsessed, just very observant.’--Michelle about Peter Parker, Spider Man: Homecoming

‘I am a pencil and you are a highlighter
I draw the world and you make it brighter.’--From a Youtube post

‘I always wanted to ride in one of these Japanese motorcycles.   A Yarmulke !’--Jewish Faery Godmother, Cinderella Gets It On, Carol Burnett Show

Scene 1--A Jewish Odyssey

Andrew:  (sealing up a package and extremely eager, dancing and singing ‘This is Gonna Be the Best Day of My Life’)  

Arnold:  What’s got you so chipper, Andy ?

Dymphna:  Did you get a promotion ?

Andrew:  Actually, yeah, I did.  I’m moving up in the sales company.  I know I should come over and see you guys more often when I’m making trips out of town but my job’s pretty cushy.   I can’t complain too much.

Dymphna:  We’re really pleased for you.  (hugs him and kisses him) We knew you’d go far.  

Arnold:  So, why all the singing and dancing, Mr. Astaire ?

Andy: Just got my result back from 23andMe.  (whistles Hava Nagila)

Dymphna:  No...really ?   Get out !

Andy:  Oh, it does say there were Askenazis in our family line, in fact it’s the biggest contributor.   I however, have no ‘Ashkenazi’, but I feel I am Jew by proxy. Now Naomi can’t contest it.   

Arnold:   How is Naomi, after all ?  

Andy:  Beautiful and gorgeous as usual.   I can’t seem to garner the courage to ask her to marry me.   

Dymphna:  She’s going to move on if you don’t move your heinie, son.  

Andy:  (growls slightly) I’m just afraid that I might overdo my whole ‘Hey, I really am Jewish’ spiel and she’ll bolt.   

Arnold:  Tell her parents.   She already knows.  All ya gotta do is win ‘em over.  You already have a strong trust and love for each other.   I’ve seen how you two are around each other. I know you have a strong future.  You simply have to trust in your present, Andy.

Dymphna:   Be yourself.   Even if you’re not totally ‘Jewish’, love is love.  

Andy: (relieved)  You two are always so smart.  (narrating) But in my short-sighted, fear-bound state, as usual, I was excessive, intense and just plain eccentric.   

(scene shift)

Scene 2--Why Are You Singing ?  

Myriam:  How nice for you to bring us here.  

Andy:  Well, I wanted to ask for your permission for something.  

Saul:  Go on and ask, son.  

Andy:  (geekily)  He called me son !  (sings to Naomi ‘I’m Entertaining’)

Saul:  Well, don’t beat around the bush, get to the point.  You didn’t have to put it into song.

Myriam:  And everyone is staring.  At you, nonetheless.

Andy:  Can I ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage ?  

Saul:  Why don’t you ask her…

Naomi:  (cracking up)  Even though you’re embarrassing, I cannot imagine myself with anyone else but you.   You don’t even have to convert to Judaism.

Andy:  (muttered) Oh thank God.  

Saul:  What was that ?  

Andy:  (nervously)  Nothing ! Just relieved… (narrating)  Naomi and I had been seriously dating for a year, but the engagement and the wedding came like a whirlwind.   My best friend, Leroy, still single, was about to take me on the last wild ride of my life. One I’d not soon forget.  

(scene shift)

Scene 3--The Bachelor’s Last Hurrah

Leroy: (Rolling up to Andy’s house in his black Cadillac playing ‘Baller’, bobbing his head)  

Andy, my main man !  How’s it hangin’ ?

Andy:  All’s well, Leroy.   Since when could you afford a Caddy ?

Leroy:  Being a CEO in training for dad’s company is quite the cush gig.   I’m surrounded by so much corporate puss it’s like I’m drowning in it.   But I’ve got my eyes out for one girl, Andy.

Andy:  Who ?

Leroy:  Naomi’s best girlfriend, that hot Jewess.  

Andy:  (laughing) You never told me you were a Semitophile.

Leroy:  You never asked you halfwit.   

Andy:  I was thinkin’ you were more into spicy Latinas or Jamaicans.  Hell, I would’ve considered you a man that

(Together): Likes his women like his coffee, hot, thick and black.  

Leroy: (laughing)  No but I do love black women.  Mmm, they fine as hell, boy. And when you got a white boy like me who was raised as a southern gentleman, they eat that up !  

Andy: Leroy, you’re a trip.  You really haven’t changed much.  So, basically this is gonna be our last ride as bachelors ?

Leroy:  (a bit sadly)  Yeah, because I really want to get to know Jessica Deets.

Andy:  Jessica’s a real class act.  I’m shocked she’s still single.  You’d be a tremendous match for each other.  She’s quirky and eccentric like you.

Leroy: (slightly hurt)  Backhanded compliment, but I’ll take it.   (dusts off shoulder) That was dust from my ego shattering a bit, you jerk.  

(speeding up to ‘Frivolity’)

Leroy:  My friend, Raphael actually owns this place. This guy is neck deep in tacos if you know what I mean.   Me ? I can’t compete with that.

Andy:  I...Don’t know about this.  

Leroy:  No, no wussing out !  We’re doing this !

Andy: (childishly, holding on to the chair in the car) No !   I don’t WANNA !

Leroy:   You...big...baby...Grow some balls !   (rips him out of the car and gets slapped in the mouth, accidentally)  Ow, son of a bitch…

Andy:  Oh, sorry…

Leroy: (wipes off the blood)  Ain’t nothin’ but a flesh wound, bro.   Come on. Raph’s waiting for us.

(‘Party Rockers’ is playing in the background)   

Raph:  Hey, wassup !   (‘Whack’em All’ is played and Raph bobs and bounces about looking funky, fresh and hip.  He is another incarnation of Bruno Mars, the perfect hipster who is loved everywhere he goes even though he sports retro clothes and bears an ‘old soul’)  

Leroy:  (gives him ‘the secret handshake’, they imitate an explosion, much like Baymax and Hiro do in Big Hero 6) Nothing much, bra.   The joint’s jumping tonight.

Raph:  Oh, you know it.   So, batchin’ tonight ?  Your final night of freedom.  Ah, my friend, you are in for a treat.  (whistles)

Cleo:  Hi, handsome.  

Mary Todd:  Leroy, good to be seein’ you again, big boy.  (winks playfully)

Roxanne:  I’ll say. He’s one of our best customers.  

Cleo:  But (nuzzles her nose with his seductively) he likes me the best, don’t you ?  

Leroy:  I do, Cleo.  I’m sorry to play favorites, but heck.  (steals away with CLEO on the dance floor) WOO, parTAAAAAAAAY !

(‘Woo, I Wanna Have the Time of My Life’ plays in the background followed by Macklemore’s ‘Thriftshop’, Roxanne and Mary Todd dance with Andy who finally loosens up a bit.)  

Andy:  (narrating)  I did nothing untoward with the ladies and they didn’t hold a candle to my Jewish Warrioress.   The only thing I was not prepared for was how wild and crazy Jewish weddings actually are.   And YES the rumors are true !

(Scene shift to Andy’s wedding scene.   They are all hoisting the bride and groom up on chairs and everyone is having a blast dancing and laughing.)  

Scene 4--King and Queen for a Day

Naomi:  You’re a natural at this, Andy !   I have never seen you so relaxed.

Andy:  That’d be my best friend Leroy’s doing.

Leroy:  (dancing)  Daw. T’weren’t nothing, my brother.   Just helping you out. (attention shifts to Jessica.   Excuse me, I have courting to do. (adjusts collar, smells breath and whisks himself away rather dramatically)  

Valentina:  (laughing) They’re going to get on like gangbusters.  

Naomi:  So true, Val.   (The couple is brought together to hold hands)

(Andy is brought so close to his bride that he can almost kiss her.  He leans forward and does, which causes the crowd to erupt in cheering.  Naomi smiles, laughs and returns the kiss. They are brought back down to join the Hora.)  

Andy:  (narrating)  It’s so interesting how sometimes one needs an extra pair of hands to give you a push to break barriers.   I was in a cocoon for so long I didn’t know what living felt like. Leroy gave me that chance and now he’s writing his own story.  I saw him catch the garter belt and I know his wedding will be right around the corner any day now. I look at my beautiful wife, rising and falling, head held high and lolling back in merriment.  My Queen. I look forward to our story together, unfolding, each new day a brand new page to write as coauthors.

(‘Groove Tonight’ follows ‘Celebrate’, ‘Conga’ and ‘Dancing Queen’.   A montage of wedding photos are seen as the two enjoy their latest ‘chapter’ together.   Leroy and Jessica are getting to know each other and are getting along fine. It gives the viewer the obvious impression that Leroy will have a happy ending as well in time.  The movie is dedicated to all my beautiful Jewish and Palestinian best friends. This movie would not have been possible had it not been for you or your support.)