The Last Hurrah of Summer

AKA Haroldmass

Synopsis:  Harold Moritz has an idea for a mad end of the summer bash with all his friends.    Little does he know that his buddy Lindsay has baked goods and everyone gets stoned out of their minds.  

‘The snozberries taste like snozberries.’--Stoner, Super Troopers

‘Pretty soon, this shit is gonna be legal.’--Chong about marijuana, Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie   

‘How long is a hot minute ?’--Arin Hanson

‘60 seconds but with some stank on it.’--Danny Avidan, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Gameplay  

~*~CAST~*~

Harold Moritz:  

Sasha Mortiz: (his gorgeous wife)  

Rose Marie Moritz: (their 7 year old daughter)

Aaishaya Patel: (her sitter)

Siri Patel: (her mother)  

Kunal Patel: (her father)  

Lindsay Cooper:  

Bill Cooper: (her husband)

Joshua Ramirez:  

Velma Ramirez: (his wife)

Florence Bunch:  

Bernie Bunch: (her husband)  

Jasmine Khan:

Mohinder Khan:  (her husband)

Man with Lantern:   

Scene 1--Planning a Party

Sasha: (resting her head on Harold’s chest)  My God, it’s so boring.   When have we done something exciting for a while ?   I forget what fun even looks like, Harry.

Harry:  (stroking her hair)  I know how you feel, Sash.   I’ve been saving enough money.   (suddenly has an idea) What would you like of us having our own Lughnasa ?

Sasha:  A huge pagan feast ?   Ooo, do go on.  

Harry:  It’s basically their celebration of summer.   Since the season is almost at a close, I thought to myself, Self, what better way to party than to throw a fete of our own ?  

Sasha:  (kisses him)  That’s brilliant !    What are you considering on calling it ?

Harry:   Haroldmass.   

Sasha:  (laughs)   Humble, aren’t we ?  

(They both giggle a bit.)

Sasha:  I’m being facetious.   I really love the name.   Do you think our other friends will be interested in coming ?  

Harry:  Oh, definitely.  It’s an adults only gathering.  

Sasha:  Ooo, sounds spicy.  (pause)  What about Rose Marie though ?   Who’s gonna babysit while we’re out in the woods having a throwdown ?  

Harry:  (stroking her arm)  I thought this through before coming up with the title to our blowout.   Remember Aaisha ?

Sasha:  Oh yes, the Patel’s darling daughter.  She babysat Rose before.   She’s responsible, enduring, fun but disciplined.   Not only that but she makes a scrumptious curry.  

Harry:  I’ll talk to her first, then I’ll see what the Patels are up to.   

(split screen, beautiful Indian music is playing in the background.  It sounds sort of like the love song from Raees.)   

Aaishia:  Patel residence.   Shia speaking.  

Harry:  Hi, sweetness.   I was wondering if you would be so kind to babysit this weekend.   

Shia:   I would adore that.   I haven’t babysat her in forever.  What time do you want me there ?

Harry:  (pondering) Hmmm, how about 6:00 pm ?   You may have to stay the night and wait until morning.  We’re going to Timber Lake Campground.    I know it’s not terribly far from here but we’re going to be camping there.   

Shia:  I’ll let mom and dad know.  I’m sure they’d love to come.   (calls her dad to the phone in Hindi)  

Kunal: (in Hindi)  Thank you, Aaishia.  (English) Hey, Harry my old bud.  What’s up ?  How’s it hanging ?  

Harry:  Actually, I’m not bad.  Was wondering if you and the Missus were interested in joining us for Haroldmass ?  

Kunal: Whatever that is, it sounds badassed.   Sure !  I’ll come along.   Who else is going ?

Harold:   Lindsay and Bill, Josh, Velma, Florence, Bernie, Jasmine and Mohinder.

Siri:   Goodness, so many people !   

Kunal:  Sounds like quite the soiree.  Is it going to be like a potluck ?  

Harold:  You got it !   We’re going to have karaoke.   

Sasha:  I’ll be bringing a solar powered karaoke machine.   I’ve already charged it up, it’s ready and rarin’ to go !   

Kunal:  Sweet !  I’ll be there with bells on.   

(He calls up his other friends and ‘Jump Around’ plays in the background.  They all roll up to the campground looking ready for an unforgettable night.   Lindsay is the only one who knows she made ‘baked’ goods and offers them for dessert as soon as they have made a fire to cook dogs, burgers and s'mores.   Shell Shocked plays over the speakers, followed by My Prerogative.   Everyone is having a blast.)

Scene 2--Brownie Hijinks

Lindsay:  And last but not least, dessert.   Hope y’all didn’t eat too many s'mores.  I made these especially for us.   (she is obviously tickled)  

Mo:  Thanks, Linds.   Although, none of us can figure why you’re so tickled about it.  

Lindsay: (a bit diabolically)  Oh, you’ll see soon enough.   (maniacal laughter)  

(Everyone, including Lindsay, eats the brownies.   Siri starts dancing provocatively to ‘I’m a Lady’ which begins to play over the speakers.   Devastated, Kunal tries his best to cover the eyes of his male compatriots.)  

Kunal:  Siri, what in the name of Gandhi are you doing ?  

Siri:  Being footloose and fancy free.   You should try it.   

Kunal:  (waves his hand a bit)  Ooh, that’s really wacky.  Is it supposed to undulate like that ?   I feel like a jellyfish !   

Siri:  See, now you’re gettin’ it !

Harold:  If I can have your attention please.   Since I realize now that these brownies are laced with marijuana (dark glare at Lindsay who feigns innocence) I decided to write a little ditty about it.   Totally off the cuff.   

Velma:  I had no idea Harry was this talented.   

Sasha:  Oh, he is Vel.  He’s a veritable Mozart.   

Harold:  (Sings ‘Baked Goods’)  

(Everyone applauds, whistles, cheers.)  

Harold:  (bowing)  Thank you, oh thank you !   You’re a beautiful audience !   

Sasha:  Allow me to dedicate this next song to my marvelous husband.   (pointing to Harold)  That’s YOU babe !   (sings ‘I’m Never Gonna Let You Go’)  

(Bill and Lindsay are getting a bit hot and heavy.   Siri looks at Kunal and wriggles her eyebrows.)

Scene 3--A Nightmarish Tale

Harold:  I wouldn’t go canoodling if you value your reproductive capacity !  

Bill:   Oh, come on, Harry.   Don’t be such a stick in the mud, you stickler !  

Harry:   You’ll think twice about that once I tell you the terrible tale of the Dick Napper.   

(They all whisper among each other.  Sasha just laughs hysterically.)

Sasha:  The Schlong Snatcher is just a scare tactic to overly horny teens !   

Harry:  Or is it, my darling ?   How do you know ?  

Jasmine:  Excellent counterattack.  He’s got you there, brown eyes !  

Harry:  Now, where was I ?  (He sings Dick Napper)

(The mood of the party has turned dark.   Of course, matters only become funnier when they start hearing noises.)

Velma:  It’s the DICK NAPPER !   I’ll protect your wang, dear !

Bill:  That’s very brave of you.   

(Coyotes howl in the distance, too skittish to come near their camp.)   

Florence:  Bruce, if we don’t die on this excursion, allow me to kill you when we get home.   

Bruce:  I’m pretty sure I deserve that.   I just hope we don’t get eaten by the coyotes first.   

Harry:  Guys, come on.  They’re not gonna hurt us.  But if you’re gonna be pussies about it then we can unpeg our tents and haul ass outta here.   

Sasha:  I for one am not going to do that.   (pause) Hey.  Did anyone pack any doritos ?  I’m hella hungry.    

Lindsay:  In such an emergency (pulls HUGE pack of doritos out of her backpack) I came prepared.  

Sasha:  (kisses her FULLY on the mouth) Oh, thank you.  YOU ANGEL.  

Lindsay:  Bill.  You. Saw. Nothing.

Bill: (chuckling)  But I will remember everything.

Kunal:  (Starts singing, timidly at first)  No we won’t back down, no we won’t back down.   We might feel like we’re standing at the gates of hell but we’ll stand our ground.  

(They scare the coyotes off by singing ‘Won’t Back Down’)   

siri:  Kunal !  That was a genius move !   (She glomps him, pinning him down) My hero !  

Kunal:  Siri, not with everyone watching.

Siri:  Let ‘em watch.   

Kunal: (picks her up)  If you don’t mind, my wife and I need some privacy.

Bernie:  Kunal, you dog !  

Harry:  Since the coyotes are gone and there’s no trace of the Willie Wrangler.  

Sasha:  (creeps up behind him)

Harry:  Holy shit, Sasha.   Could you warn a guy ?  

(They all laugh and consume the rest of the brownies and go to sleep for the night after having put out the  fire.   Harry, however, is totally stoned out of his mind and Sasha is with him.)   

Sasha:  What on God’s green earth are you doing, Harry ?  

Harry:  (trying to keep from giggling)  Trying to be stealthy.  You see, I feel like we’re being watched.  

Sasha:  What, by the Penis Purloiner ?

Harry:   No, I made that up !   Remember that old shack we passed before we stopped here ?   There’s no one there, right ?  

Sasha:  Far as I know.   That place has been empty for years.   I swear to you when we were preparing for our party, I saw a lamp hanging there.  

Harry:  (a bit upset)  Sash, you know I love you.  I’m the king of bloodcurdling horror stories.   Don’t go trying to give me the creeps.   

Sasha:  No, I’m being honest.   This isn’t made up.   (something rustles in the distance and Harry shrieks like a girl)  

Moe:   Harry, shut up.   We’re tryin’ to sleep, don’t be a baby.  It’s probably just the wind.   

Harry:  Sorry Moe…(stays close to Sasha, trembling)  Sash, I don’t like this.  

Sasha:  I don’t either.   Last thing I wanna do before vacation ends is get chopped up by some Jason Vorhees copycat.  

Harry:  What if it’s the dude from Scream, or worse, Freddy Krueger out on a killing spree !   

Sasha:  I want to have at least one last bang before I die !  

Harry:  Honey, I’ll bang your brains out the first chance I get if we survive this.

Sasha:  (meekly)  If ?   That doesn’t soothe me one freaking bit.   

(Suddenly a man with a lantern appears)

Harry:  (Shrieking)  

Josh:  Pendejo !   Cayate !  

Man:   I mean you guys no harm.   I just wanted to check on y’all.   See if ya’ll needed anything and were doin’ ok.

Sasha:  Yeah, but I might have wet myself.   (pats self down below)  Yep.  I done peed myself.  

Man:  Don’t feel bad, ma’am.   Hey, in fact, I have britches you could use.   

Sasha:  Oh, what a sweetie.  What’s your name, hon ?

Harry:  Now you guys are friends ?   (drawn out exhale)  Ok, I guess I’ll go with it.  

Man:  Eustace.    I just bought this shack.  I don’t take up much room.   Well, ever since the missus died, I thought I’d go out into the woods and enjoy my retirement.  I have all the herbs, nuts, berries and fish I could eat.   I feel like a KING here.    I even got myself a dog.   That’s ol’ Blue.   He doesn’t move around much like he used to, but he’ll fight off the coyotes sure as anything.  If’n that don’t work, I gots me boomstick.   Fire that puppy off, them suckers go runnin’ like illegal spics from the ICE.

Harry:  Eustace.  Not cool.

Eustace:  Too far ?   My fault.   Anyways, I’ll wash that.   You two can sleep here.   

Sasha:  You sure we won’t put you out ?  

Eustace:  Oh, no.  Not at all.   The shack is a lot bigger and roomier than people think.  

Harry: (looking around, whistles in wonder)  Yep, he’s right about that.    

(The night passes after they sleep.  In the morning they awake to a meal and then come back to camp, telling their story as they leave.  )   

Lindsay:  Clearly you were blasted out of your minds.

Jasmine:  That’s a load of elephant manure if I ever heard it.  

(They laugh at him.)  

Moe:  Oh, hey, New Face is on the radio, turn it up !  

(They all sing and dance seated and say their goodbyes.)  

Bill:  Thanks for the bitchin’ time, man.   We’ll have to do this next Autumnal Equinox.   

Harry:   Indubitably.   (sigh)  I guess we’ll never be able to convince them.   

(They come inside and see that Aaisha and Rose are fast asleep.)   

Harry:  Now about that promise I made to you…

(You Sexy Thing plays in the background while the two have sex in the most quiet way possible in shadow form.)

(Scene fade)        

Scene 4--Breakfast and Back to School

Harry:  (in a sing song voice while ‘I Love It’ plays in the background) Goooooood morning, Aaisha !   

Ash:   Mmm...Something smells tremendous.  

Rose:  I’ll say.  

Ash:  Is this part of my payment ?  It’s all too much !  

Sasha:   Nah, you deserve it sweetie.   Today’s our last day to really enjoy each other’s company.

Rose:  (begrudgingly)  Tomorrow we’re going back to school.

Ash:  Aw, man.   Way to burst our bubble, Hare-bear.  

Sasha:  It’s not all bad.   You’re both going to learn so much.   

Rose/Ash:   I guess.    

Harry:  Buck up, it doesn’t last forever !   

Ash:  Good point.

Rose:  True !   

Harry:  (narrating)   Although summer had come to an end, it was likely the most lively and insane summer we had experienced on record.   As we watched the final sunset of August, we headed into fall and watched our darling Rose blossom and branch forward as the lovely and brilliant flower she was.    We didn’t know what the future entailed, but we took every day as another opportunity to be lights of encouragement wherever we roamed.   

(We see the family getting  Rose ready for school as she boards the bus with her lunch after kissing her goodbye.  Love plays in the background as the two hug each other close and kiss before going inside and then head out to another day at work.  The idea for this script was brought forth by a dream I had revolving on the Harold mainly.   The other characters came along naturally.  I thank everyone for believing in me and raising me up to this point.   I owe you.)