Man Alive !

Synopsis:  A B-Horror musical.   Brilliant and beautiful chemist Beverly DeVoe finds herself as caretaker of her parents, since no one else will help.   They die of cancer and she remains dateless.   She decides to create her own mate.   Strangely, her assistant, Simon Usoro finds her ‘way fab’ and has for years in assisting her with her work.   Will he ever be able to win her over, or will Burton snatch her away ?   

~*~CAST~*~

Beverly ‘Bev’ DeVoe: 

Simon Usoro: 

Burton Reynoldson: 

Phoebe: 

Juanita: 

Avonlea: 

Brigit: 

Leah Ellis: (Bev’s best friend) 

Darrius Normandy: (Simon’s best friend) 

Scene 1—Tragedy is My Fuel 

Beverly:  (tearfully)  I can’t believe after all the testing, poking, prodding and subjection to exhausting tests, they’re still dead.  

Leah:  Beverly, you did everything.  Even going beyond ethics to take matters into your own hands.   It was (tentatively) erm, a bit excessive…

Bev:  Leah, I have no one else.  I’ve tried maintaining friend groups.  You’re the only one who stood by me through, well everything. 

Simon: (looking a bit lost next to Bev, he wants to speaks but, sadly says nothing) 

Leah:  Simon and I are here for you.   

Simon:  Yes.  Whatever you need, Bev.   Just let us know. 

Bev:  (sings ‘Tragedy is my Fuel’) 

(The scene here cuts from the lab and Bev is stricken by an insane idea.  She doesn’t let Leah know since it would violate quite a few ethical protocols.) 

Leah:  I’d better be going.  Marigold misses me and is in need of walkies.   

Bev:  Can’t keep the retriever waiting.   I heard that !  (laughs)  I miss the days when I had a dog.  

See you tomorrow then. 

Leah:  Bye, Bev.  Stiff upper lip.  We’re gonna get through this. (she hugs her, they weep it out a little bit and she looks at Simon with the look of lunacy)

Simon:  That gaze is really starting to freak me out.  You’re up to something.  

Bev:  Was I that crystalline ?  

Simon:  Like a crystal gazing ball, darling !  (he laughs)  

Bev:  I need to learn to be a bit more obscure, maybe even occluded like obsidian.   (smirks)  I require your assistance. 

Simon:  Anything, just name it.  

Bev:  (raises eyebrow) You sure, Simon ?  This may be a bit unethical. 

Simon:  Don’t tell me you want to go exhuming a grave…That’s it isn’t it ?   Shit.   

Bev:  You and I both know I am the ‘dateless wonder’.   I get teased, nay, heckled over it. 

Simon:  You didn’t have time to date with both parents being stricken by cancer.   Any altruist would’ve done the same.   Bev, you’re a freakin’ saint.   

Bev:  No, Simon.  (holds his hand with hers)  What I wouldn’t do for a touch much like this one !

I haven’t been laid in years ! 

Simon:  (ruefully) Preach to the choir, sister.   (exhales sharply)  

Bev:  I’m making my own date.   

Simon:  (unamused)  I’m going to regret this.   

Bev:  You won’t Simon my dear friend !  You’re going to make me a very happy woman ! 

(scene shift from Bev at the grave collecting Burt Reynold’s DNA to her laboratory, being assisted by Simon) 

Scene 2—This Is a BAD Idea ! 

Bev: (sings ‘The Experiment’)

(Soon after Burton awakens, Bev is literally all over him, drooling over him.  She sings ‘Man Alive’ and then Simon sings ‘Beautiful’)   

Burton:  It feels good to be alive.   What would you like to do, Bev, dearest ? 

Simon:  (jealous and dubious looks, starts mouthing)  If you are thinking of deflowering her… 

Burton: (looking innocent but lustful all the same)  

Bev:  Oh, I don’t know.  I bet you love steak. 

Burton:  (grin) So long as you’re buyin’ girly !  Come on, I just got resurrected !  I’m dyin’ of hunger !   

Simon:  Can I have a word with Burton for a second ? 

Burton:  Yeah, little man ?  What’s hanging ?  

Simon:  Cut the pleasantries, Burton.   Look, I don’t want you doing anything to her.  

Burton:  (mockingly)  Aw, why not ?  Does little Simon love Bev ?  Hah !  Well, I’m taking HER out tonight.   I might be eating dessert first if I get lucky !  (laughs) 

Simon:  Don’t you DARE !  Have at least a modicum of decency.   

Burton:  Alright.   It’s obvious she chose me over you and you’re hoping everything turns to crap so you have your day in the sun.   I personally think you need to go for someone a little bit more your league.   (sings ‘I’m Hot’, he takes Bev by the hand and walks out of the lab) 

Simon:  (muttering)  I kept telling her this was a bad idea.   (grumbling as he cleans up)  I’ve been with her even before her parents died.   (grumbles) Always passing me up for the pretty boys, and this one is a real dick !   

Darrius:  (knocks at the door of the lab)  Dr. DeVoe ?  You still here ? 

Simon:  (sadly)  No one here but us cucks.   

Darrius:  Simon, that’s not true.   What happened here ? 

Simon:  Bev made a man.  A clone of Burt Reynolds.   Unfortunately, he is a total complete wanker.   

Darrius:   She just made him on an impulse.  

Simon:  Bonus points for Darrius.   

Darrius:  Wanna go get tanked ? 

Simon:  Normally I would say no to your generous invite, but seeing as I might have lost my girl to the clutches of the evil Doctor Dickmento, bring on the Kahluah.   

Scene 3—Babes on My Arms 

Burton: (Walking with swagger with women hanging off him)  Ooh, you can’t know how much I am looking forward to our dates together.  

Phoebe: Which one of us is your favorite, Burtie baby ? 

Burton:  (cockily) How can I decide ?  All three of you are just so damned fine.   It’s hard to choose !  

Juanita:  We’re all after one thing.   

Simon:  Burton !  Where’s Bev ? 

Burton:  Bev ?  She has the day off.   She went to sleep at her own place last night.   I couldn’t get her to give me what I wanted so, I looked elsewhere.  Hence these glorious visions.  

Bimbos:  Hey, how are ya ? 

Simon:  You are scum, Burton.  You know that ? 

Burton:  (sappily) Oh that really hurts, Simon.   You know how to cut a man to his quick.  

I could care less about that lady.   She’s too prim, proper and buttoned up.   (unbuttons shirt)  She needs to let loose a little.  You know, let her hair down. 

(Sings ‘Horndog’)    Now if you’ll excuse me… 

Avonlea:  Later !  

Bev:  (coming in to work, seeing Simon there)  Was that Burton’s car I just saw driving off ? 

Simon:  (pauses)  Wait, he can drive ?   How did he get a license so fast ?   Cuz, damn !

Bev:  I’m as gobsmacked as you, Simon, but I think I recognized him giving me a salute goodbye, even through those tinted windows.    (angrily)  Arrgggh !  Why do I always fall for the bad boy ?

Simon:  (gently, sweetly)  I’m right here, Bev.   I have been, all along.   You just never looked my way, acknowledged me or noticed. 

Bev:  (sniffles)  You know, you’re right.   I was wrong in letting my hormones into the driver’s seat.   

Simon:  (nudges her)  Darrius and I could’ve told you that.   Heck, I’m sure even Leah, if she had known what you were up to, would’ve talked you out of creating Burton to begin with. 

Bev:   Well now I’ve unleashed his testosterone into the world.   

Simon:  He seemed plenty happy, little sex fiend.   

Bev:  (sighs)  Looks like it’s just you and I, assistant.   

Simon:  Come on, Bev.   I’m more to you than that.  I’m your friend.   

Bev:   (she hugs him)  Maybe we should start out afresh ? 

Simon:  (lingering in her arms for a moment before he breaks the embrace)  Now that’s more like it.   

(scene fade)  

Scene 4—Whatever’s Around the Bend 

Bev:  (narrating)  Of course, this all took time but I learned over a period of months that Simon and I were far better matched than Burton or I ever were.   In his quiet way, Simon won my heart.  

(They sing ‘Lab Partners for Eternity’ and see a montage unfolding between them, including Bev being pregnant with Marie.) 

Simon: We’re going to be kickass parents. 

Bev:  (holding Simon’s hands atop her pregnant belly)  Indubitably.   I can’t wait to see what Marie will become in time.   

Simon:  Neither can I.   

(The whole chorus sings ‘The Day Is Won Through Love’)   

Brigid:  (schmaltzily)  I wonder if that could ever be us some day, Burty ! 

Burton:  (laughs) It’d only be legal in Utah, Brigid, dear, but if that would make y’all happy.  

Phoebe:  Please say you will.   

Burton:  Seems like we’ve made our plans.   It’s been real, Bev, but I’d like to see you at the wedding.   I know I owe you or I wouldn’t be living the dream. 

Bev:  You’re welcome, Burton.  

Burton:  (winks)  And you.  Never knew you were such a crafty fox. 

Simon:  Never discount brains, Burt.   (sings) And a little patience.  

(They sing a reprise of ‘The Day is Won’ and take a bow.  Our main couples hug and kiss and take their bows appropriately.)