Fast Food Free For All
Synopsis: To determine which franchise is the best, all the best,
most beloved and well-known fast food restaurants compete to win the
coveted ‘Deliciousness Trophy’, as well as a coveted place among
the top 10 to 20 restaurants in Fortunes 500. Let the games begin !
Chapter 1—Who Will
Rise to the Top ?
It was an average,
run-of-the mill sort of day in the United States. Not too many
exciting or out-of-the ordinary events were happening, particularly
since America had celebrated its initial ‘birthday’. Ronald
McDonald was in his office. He and Birdie were engaged in a
vigorous game of checkers and it was evident that Birdie had the
upper hand.
‘Ooh, she’s
gonna get ya ! Duh, better watch out !’, Grimmace warned.
‘Robble !’,
Hamburgler agreed. The only crew that understood the robber’s
gibberish was the McDonald’s crew. Anyone else and they would’ve
stared off into space or distracted him, dashing away quickly as to
avoid any awkwardness. That’s why he always traveled with the Fry
Kids. He couldn’t be without them, nor they him. He was like
their surrogate dad.
‘I just retrieved
the mail ! I got a juicy letter
for ya !’, Mayor McCheese announced. He hadn’t opened the
letter, knowing that would violate United Postal Service protocol as
well as being outright illegal. The letter was dazzling enough in
its gold envelope.
‘Open
it, man ! I can’t stand the suspense. It’s killin’ my good
vibes.’, Mac Tonight kvetched.
‘Ok,
Mac. Sure. Lemme see it !’, Ronald stated. He took his letter
opener, which had a yellow and red ‘M’ at the top and delicately
opened the envelope. Inside was an invitation and a sudden burst of
confetti, which scared most of the gang of friends. Calming
themselves down, Ronald looked inside the envelope to determine it
was safe and took the insert out.
Calling
all Restaurant Moguls of the Fast Food Industry
This is the
first and foremost premier Deliciousness Contest
All fast food
restaurants welcome
Who will rise to
the top ?
Only our judges
know the answer to that
See you this
coming weekend
Contest will be
held in Beverly Hills, California
I’ll see you
there
Waiting in
antic-pation…
V
‘V
? Who in the world is that ? Sounds like one mysterious cat,
whoever he is.’, Tonight observed, raising an arching eyebrow.
With his crescent face, it looked like something out of an Escher
painting combined with Bill Plimpton’s style, mashed with Magritte
and Dali.
‘Duh,
I dunno. It’s very mysterious !’, Grimmace concurred.
‘I’m up for the
challenge. I don’t know about you guys but to be honest, I’m a
little miffed over Lil’ Ms. Red’s taunts over me. I say we show
her and the burger world what
for !’, Ronald said, standing up straight and banging on his desk
in defiance. He had rallied his troops, and now it was time for a
battle of the chefs !
Chapter
2—An Odd Cast of Characters
In
Beverly Hills, every single fast food chain was in attendance.
Pizza Pete, Antony Caesar,
Jack from Jack’s Pizza,
Bob and Jethro the Spongemonkeys, Jack in the Box, Regis
the Pizza King, Burger King, Colonel Sanders, Checkers from Rally’s,
Hardees, Arby’s Cowboy (named Hank), Jared from Subway, Blimpie’s
‘Blimp Boy’ and ‘Mama’ from Popeyes to name a few.
Bessie
and Bossy from Chik-Fil-A eyed their competitors. Though they spoke
only in a series of moos, the two gals were ready to face the entire
panel of fast food icons. The MC, resplendent in a sequined red
outfit, came out to welcome them.
‘I
am the one who called you here. I will be MC-ing this fine little
soiree while my panel here will be doing the judging. There are
categories. If you tick all the right boxes, you win the grand
prize. There will be
consolation prizes for 2nd
and 3rd
place. The rest of y’all can
go home knowing you were chosen to participate and isn’t that worth
celebrating ?’, the MC asked.
‘I’m
Vittorio Castelluco. Welcome to the 1st
and only Battle For
Deliciousness. Let the games
begin !’, Vittorio stated, dramatically, as he held his arm to the
sky, brought it down to the earth and a cascade of gold glitter burst
out of timed Chinese lanterns. It was to say, a bit flamboyant,
but the contestants knew that matters were about to get very, very
real.
Chapter
3—Impress Us
Each
of the restaurants had to do their best to win over the judges and
none of the categories were lenient in this aspect. The criteria
was high and all of the participants were really beginning to sweat
as they prepared their best signature dish and laid them out on a
silver platter for the panel of judges. The moment of truth had
finally arrived.
Each
judge took their time in determining who would win 1st
place among them. It was obvious that Wendy’s would be first and
foremost among them all. They had dominated every category and
offered ‘fresh beef, never frozen’. A Cinderella story followed
soon after them with Bossy and Bessie, who weren’t even thinking
they could compete. Their food was almost as good, or better than
most fast-food establishments. At long last, once the finally
deliberations had been made and Donatoes was the 3rd prize
winner. The rest of the participants could breathe a sigh of
relief even though they felt the crash of being left in the dust by
the victors.
‘Man,
now we have to hang our heads in shame.’, Regis sulked.
‘Don’t
feel bad about it. We were all good in our own right.’, Tony of
Five Guys concurred.
Of
course, there was still the sting of defeat marring their overall
mood, even though they were located in a tropical paradise that was
unrivaled by Travelocity and Booking standards combined.
‘Hey,
any time you are close to us, feel free to come in. We’ll give
you a dinner on us !’, Julius Caesar offered.
‘How
sweet. Julius, you’re a true pal.’, Pizza Pete, more a brother
than a friend, mentioned, hugging him tightly. It was with that the
new friends had left each other, if only momentarily. The victors
moment of glory had been ephemeral at best when they had taken
selfies of themselves and each other in their celebratory nanoseconds
of fame.
‘I
guess we’ll see you around.’, Bossy’s translator relayed to the
other winners.
‘Absolutely.
Congratulations again, you guys earned it !’, Wendy responded
with a massive smile and some jovial tears in her eyes.
Epilogue
Trophies come and go, but friendships last forever. Even though
rivalries were stoked and the flames burned hotter than ever, the
restaurants remained close and near and dear friends. Of course,
they were separated by the miles but every year, right in the middle
of the United States in Indianapolis, they gathered together for
‘Food Con’, the only restaurant convention in the entire world.
It was the first of its kind but by no means would it be the last.
There were new entrepreneurial restaurants that wanted a fresh start
there and many of them were mom and pops that wanted to slap on the
gloves and enter into the ring of ‘hospitality competition’.
Colonel Sanders taught these youngsters well, as did other seasoned
veterans of the restaurant business.
The convention was a massive success but the friends were saddened
to part and go their separate ways. No longer rivals (only as a
massive facade and ploy to sell more food to the general public),
everyone boarded their respective airplanes but only after exchanging
Facebooks, Twitters, Bloggers, SnapChats, Pinterest boards and so on.
It was a tearful but jovial goodbye because they all knew that
even though the contest was a ‘once in a lifetime event’, they
would be seeing each other again at Food Con. They’d also see
Vittorio, who was slowly devouring himself to death. For a
gustarian, he was strangely fit and gangly but his consumption of
junk food was doing him no good. Like Gabriel Iglesias, he thought
it would be better to die savoring an umami feast before kicking the
bucket for good. He defied odds and continued living unhealthily,
thumbing his figurative nose back at the doctors.
You might wonder what the mascots of these massively popular and
incredibly frequented fast food chains are doing now. They are
always developing new, tasty foods for you and me to devour. Sure,
they might not be good for us, but they certainly are convenient.
America, am I right ? As far as Jared is concerned, we all know
what happened to him. He was replaced by Jeremiah, who is a
‘Subster’, or a Hipster that really, really loves Subway
submarine sandwiches. Far as other changes to the franchises that
is the only one of note that I am allowed to talk about. They keep
me in secrecy. I report what only needs to be reported. As far as
any ‘secret’ holondaise sauces, Scheswan sauces, secret recipes,
you can’t pry them from me. Oh no no. Those, my dear, are
heading to my grave and they are forever locked up tightly where
I (and my children after me) are the sole proprietor to the key.
Mystery is what makes America great, and I’m glad to keep that
tradition alive and well.
The End
From the Archives of a Gustarian
Only known by Code name G
Whereabouts Unknown
Status Unknown
Race/Religion and Gender Unknown
Don’t ask, you will only regret getting a blank expression as an
answer
I warned you !
Have a nice life
Good day
TTFN, fellow Foodie !
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