The Christmas War

Synopsis: Christof and Cybele were born together but as soon as they reached 16 years of age, they decided to separate into different countries. One grew up believing tradition is best when it comes to Christmas. The other is more modern. They were born of the Gods of Frost, Winter, Snow, Cold and Ice. Being curious souls, they go adventuring only to re-encounter each other. A feud ensues. Can it be stopped before a second Ice Age begins ?

~*~CAST~*~

Selene—Goddess of the Moon, Night, Sleep

Quilo—God of the North Wind

Christof

Cybele

Fern—A Spring God, totally chill and amicable, gets along with all the Gods and Goddesses

Zappo—Elf of Christof

Zotto--’ ‘

Zingo--’ ‘

Blotto--’ ‘

Frostine—Elf of Cybyl

North--’ ‘

Juno--’ ‘

Avalanche--’ ‘

Narrator

Scene 1—When Gods Ruled

Narrator: Long ago, before people ever populated our tiny blue mote, Gods cavorted, created and sometimes fought. This tale of unmitigated irony begins on a day all of us hold near and dear to our hearts.

Selene: I’m beside myself with jubilation !

Quilo: As am I, my luminous one.

Selene: Our beautiful twins, Christof and Cybele.

(The twins at this point haven’t met one another. Quilo and Selen take them home to the Realm of the Gods, which some might complain takes liberties from Mount Olympus, but it is my own domain.)

Selene: Ah, Quilo. They’re so perfect, napping so peacefully.

Quilo: That they are, my darling Selene. Yet, they resemble your beauty far more than mine.

Selene: Perhaps we should retire a time. I had no idea labor would be so, well, intensive !

Quilo: (pats her hand) I understand, sweetness.

(They levitate up to some lofty clouds for a siesta.)

Cybele: (awakens, loves what she sees, starts exploring)

Christof: (lazily erects himself, is in wonder)

(Everything is fine until Christof and Cybele see each other, and they start fighting. Since they’re babies their ice/snow abilities are minimal. Cybele manages to encase Christof in a block of ice, laughing about it.)

Selene: Cyb ! No ! That’s cruel ! Whatever possessed you to do that to Chris ?

Cybele: (rolling her eyes)

Quilo : Little one got sass from the start.

Selene: Apparently. (reprovingly) We can’t go freezing our brother.

Cybele: (pouts, crosses stubby arms)

Christof: (starts to thaw, and then he bawls)

Quilo: (gathers him up) There, there. You’re ok. You’re not the next discovery on National Geographic.

Christof: (giggling)

Narrator: Christof and Cybele were caused to appreciate humankind and their traditions. However, when it came to Christmas, they just couldn’t agree.

Scene 2—Going Separate Ways

Christof: No, these decorations are better.

Cybele: Ugh, these gaudy things ? Get with the times, brother. This isn’t Victorian England.

Christof: Dear Sister, I have nothing but respect for you these last 16 years of my life. I am getting tired of your complaining about my lack of style, lack of coordination, lack of—whatever.

Cybele: Truth stings, doesn’t it Christof ?

Christof: I’ve tried being civil, Cybele. I made my decision. I’m heading off on my own. I’m spreading the old traditions and stories. My entourage ! (whistles)

Zappo/Zotto/Zingo/Blotto (In harmony); Hey, hey, hey ! What do you say ?

Cybele: So original. You’ve got Zappo, Zotto, Zingo and Blotto. I have Frostine, North, Juno and Avalanche. (the quartet strike a very non-nonchalant, devil-may-care pose.)

North: What it is, yo.

Cybele: Pray I never see your face again.

Christof: That’s sort of harsh, Sister.

Quilo: Aren’t you being a stosh rash, hon ?

Cybele: It’s for the best dad.

Zappo: (tips hat) Happy trails, then, to ya ! Don’t know where the road will lead us but at least I’m traveling with my friends.

Zotto: Zappo, you’re making me verklempt !

Zingo: Don’t start makin’ me cry, you’ll make me cry too !

Christof: Come on, fellows. Let’s not make this awkward.

Blotto: (points onward, a bit askew) Forward, brave elves !

Narrator: Thus, the siblings separated. Christof located in more contemporary parts of the region while Cybele looked for something a bit more, shall we say, avante guarde ?

(scene fade)

Scene 3—The Near Christmas Fiasco

Cybele: (dramatically) I’m tired of the chill and the cold is so droll.

Frostine: Cyb, have you looked in a mirror recently ? You are an ice queen ?

Avalanche: Touche.

Cybele: Well played, Frostine. You know though, even us Ice Queens need a little r&r.

North: (holds up Mai Tai) Here, here !

Juno: Skol ! (clinks his rum and Coke with North’s spirit)

Christof: Of all the resorts…

Cybyl: In all the world…

Both: Why…

Christof: Wait, don’t roll up your sleeves. It’s not a duel, nor should it be.

Cybele: (wryly) Is it ? I was going to start by saying Alexander Graham Bell called, he’s expecting a telegram back !

Christof: (laughs) Actually, that’s quite funny. So, are you still thinking of owning Christmas ?

Cybele: Yes, it’s either got to be loud, flashy, exciting or…

Christof: (slight mope) I know you want to say dull, just say it.

Cybele: (a little satisfied) I’ve bruised your tender ego enough, brother.

Christof: After your travels do you know the meaning of Christmas ?

Cybele: Easy. Presents. Money. Buying favor or regaining it. It’s all about capital wealth and progress. I personally like the color green when it comes to the holidays. You ?

Christof: Although some celebrate Isaac Newton’s birthday anniversary many celebrate Jesus’ birth.

Now before you go you go accusing me of being parapetic, no two scholars agree but I honestly believe He is the reason. That, hope and brotherly love.

(Cybele’s 4 elves mockingly sing ‘Kumbaya’)

Frostine: Is this a chili cookout at Camp David ? Grow up !

North: Yeah, take off those rose colored shades, you hippy !

Christof: (nonplussed) What about Santa ?

(Cybele and her elves guffaw)

Cybele: The different variants of him and Krampus ? Gobbledygook. Nothing more than reindeer caca !

Christof: I know him though.

Cybele: Doesn’t prove anything, Chris. He doesn’t come around any other time than Christmas. Who’s bigger than that.

Christof: Jesus.

Avalanche: Oh no, he didn’.

Cybele: (tries to remain unimpressed) Biblical. Historical or not, I still think Jesus was a myth. You have to give me a better reason why you should own Christmas. Thus far, I personally think I’m winning the contest—no holds barred.

Fern: Uh, might I interject ?

(Everyone looks at the cute but very cool, laid back summer God coming up out of a hammock. He happened to be sunning himself and the sibling spat interrupted his much needed intake of Vitamin D.)

Fern: Both of you share interesting facts and truths of Christmas. However, I have to side with your brother.

Cybele: Who are you, anyway ? How dare you take a stand against a Goddess of Winter !

Fern: Peace. I mean no quarrel. We’re all brethren. Whatever the season. I’m a Summer God. Name’s Fern. I grow wherever I darn well please.

Cybele: Bold. I respect that. I like your chutzpah. Speak your mind, Fern.

Fern: The true spirit of Christmas is encompassed in Jesus. Yes, it eventually and ultimately leads to resurrection and everlasting life but the underlying themes are compassion, care, hope, determination, resiliency, bravery, patience and boldly facing the unknown with faith. Personally I’ll take goodwill and peace to all mankind over any material gain I may receive from the bounty of wealth I have. Like most nature gods I’m a cornucopia.

Cybele: Well stated. Well, then. I was incorrect.

Fern: I haven’t quite finished, Ice Queen.

(Stretching out very elegantly, yawning slightly) Hoo, pardon me, sil vous plais. You two could share Christmas, each other with your different flair. It needn’t be a spat between you.

Narrator: It only took a moment for the two to make their decision. This is why our holidays are such a diverse mixture and the signatures of the siblings can be seen if you are astute enough to spot them. Jimmy Durante’s ‘Just Make Someone Happy’ plays as still illustrations of the siblings are seen a family photo of all the Winter Gods together and ‘It’s Cold Outside’ wraps up our merry tale. Merry Christmas, ya’ll !)

Written originally 9-21-18

Transcribed to computer February 9, 2019