Woofia

Synopsis: A script about a dog crime syndicate that forms under the leadership of Crusher realizing that they have been captive to human whim too long and it is now time to rebel and reclaim what initially was theirs from the beginning, human domination.

~*~CAST~*~

Crusher: (Rottweiler)

Fifi: (Poodle, in love with Tito)

Louis: (pooduauah)

Jose: (pooduauah)

Charlotte: (poodauaha)

Blanche: (pooduauah)

Mycroft: (Airedale)

Syndel: (Samoyed)

Vladimir: (Husky)

Fredricka: (Doberman Pincer, scientist)

Delphina: (German Shepherd, fellow scientist)

Tito: (Chihuaha, Fifi's lover)

Annabelle: (Pomeranian)

Foster: (Yorkie)

Lucas: (Greyhound)

Princess: (Corgie)

Tinkles: (Bishon Frize)

Douglas: (Scottish Terrier)

Ankh: (Egyptian Cat)

Maximus: (Mastiff)

Pharaoh:

Heretic to be Executed:

Ancient Egyptian #1:

Ancient Egyptian #2:

Ancient Egyptian #3:

Ancient Egyptian #4:

Ancient Egyptian #5:

Ancient Egyptian #6:

Ancient Egyptian #7:

Lobo: (Of course a Wolf)

Caveman

Cave woman:

Cave kid:

Scene 1--'Man's Best Friend'

Crusher: Gather round and listen to my tail if you will.

Lucas: Only if we can chase, too !

Foster: Lucas, no ! Crusher's all business today. No fetch, no Frisbee. Just sit down, shut up, and listen. Or do you wanna be kibble ?

Lucas: No, Foster. Absolutely not.

Crusher: (narrating) Long ago, when we were wild, we lived in packs. We stuck among our own pack, thicker than thieves. Then came that fateful day. One lone wolf thought it beneficial to warm himself by a caveman's fire. It was a particularly frigid winter so very long ago in our canine evolution. Poor Lobo. He was tired, but mostly hungry. He could've eaten that entire caveman family. The meat cooking on that fire looked too tasty and it was prime for the taking. Nearly frozen from the dire winter wind, Lobo, our ancestor, inched closer to the fire...

(Flashback)

Caveman: Lobo want meat ?

Lobo: (looks distastefully but clearly he is drooling)

Cave kid: Daddy look, Lobo hungry. Lobo drool !

Cave woman: Go on, then, Lobo. Have meat. Lobo eat, Lobo thrive.

Crusher: That one action was a paradigm shift. The dominoes were toppled. It was downhill from there.

Tito: A dog's loyalty knows no bounds, apparently. Certainly we had a chance to redeem our kind though ?

Crusher: (flashes a toothy grin for a moment) We did.

Syndel: What happened ?

Crusher: Ancient Egypt, thousands of years ago. Dogs and humans were peas in a pod. We had a chance to turn the tables in our favor.

(Flashback)

Heretic: Stared down by a cat to meet my demise. He's got more brawn than I do, but I think I can outsmart him.

(There's a good old fashioned wrestling match between Ankh and the Heretic and his dog comes in to save him.)

Maximus: If that cat should be fighting anyone it should be me !

(At first the crowd is disappointed and angered by this new combatant.)

Heretic: Maximus ! What are you doing ? You're insane !

Maximus: Run ! Just run while everyone's distracted !

Heretic: You don't need to tell me twice. Good dog !

Maximus: That's all I wanted to hear, praise from my master. It might be the last words I ever hear while I am still breathing.

Ankh: This fight wasn't between us, mongrel !

Maximus: (Growls) Such hubris ! I'm purebred !

Ankh: What's that behind you ? (Makes a sneak attack and pins the dog and pins him)

Pharaoh: I decree from henceforth, cats will be our dictators !

Ankh: Ha ! Who's the smarter of the species now ?! In your snub nosed face, you cur !

Maximus: (Slinks away, lowering his head, eventually he finds his owner who is living in exile on the outskirts of the city)

Heretic: You came back to me ? I take it you lost the fight.

Maximus: (to himself, chagrined) I would much lesser think of my loss than being out here in this god-forsaken wasteland.

Heretic: Don't worry, I'll take care of you, but you'll have to work to keep us both alive.

Maximus: (sarcastically) Lovely.

Heretic: (petting him) That's my boy.

(We see the Egyptians start erecting a veritable kingdom ruled by cats. We see headlines in newspapers heralding Japan's Cat Island, Rabbit Island and Deer Park. Dogs are still getting the short end of the stick and have nothing to show for it.)

Vladamir: How mortifying.

Crusher: Oh, it was, Vlad. Worse than anything we had experienced before. The cats became the Gods of the human realm, and no, they never once forgot it. We've been fighting them for our God given turf for eons. They are not smarter than us, just sneakier. Little by little, we're taking back our land, and mostly we're doing it by force. No mercy. Time for timidity to cease.

Fifi: How do you propose we do that ? We all live in squalor.

Mycroft: Fifi's correct. Of all of us, Crusher has the deepest grudge against our human captors.

Crusher: You're not wrong, Mycroft. I didn't anticipate that circus burning down. Humans are nothing but savage beasts watching other animals entertain them. Distasteful really. (spits in disgust)

Tito: So, how are we gonna make a difference, boss ? It's time for the canines to rise.

Crusher: I've got everything under control. Fredrika, Delphina, if you will.

Fredrika: (nods respectfully) Delphina and I have been working on a headset that will help us see in complete color. We have been lacking in this for years, but only because domestication has dulled our senses.

Delphina: Yes. This headset will increase our abilities and even cause us to evolve, granting us the one thing we have always wanted. Opposable thumbs.

(They all rave about this, super excited about the possibilities this lends them.)

Fredrika: Yes, yes, we all know what that means for canine kind.

Delphina: We just don't know if it works and we need a guinea pig.

Tinkles: (raises paw) I volunteer as tribute.

Delphina; You are brave, young Tinkles.

Fredrika: Disperse now, please. We have much work to accomplish. Tinkles, if you would follow us. Right this way.

Tinkles: (sings some lines from 'For Science' by TMBG)

(scene fade)

Scene 2—A New Step in Evolution

Fredrika: (triumphantly) At last my...

Delphina: Ahem...

Together: OUR...greatest work is completed.

(the dogs gasp in awe at what their scientists have created.)

Tinkles: I can walk like a human does. (they throw a tennis ball at her, which she is able to catch with either paw)

Delphina: She can understand and speak all languages now.

Douglas: (in Welsh and then in Gaelic) Even when I speak these ancient tongues ?

Tinkles: (answering) Of course I understand both Welsh and Gaelic. I know Sumerian, Sanskrit, Latin, Aramaic and the so called 'dead languages'.

Syndel: That is mighty impressive.

Crusher: Have you mass produced these headsets yet ?

Delphina: Tinkles has the first of its kind but we're working as fast as we can to outfit all of you with one.

Tinkles: It feels empowering. I can't wait for you to experience this.

(In a matter of hours, the two scientist have their headsets ready and they give each dog one and the evolution occurs instantaneously.)

Tito: Fifi, look ! I'm bipedal !

Fifi: (laughing) As am I.

Tito: If this doesn't call for a party, I don't know what does. Princess, if you would.

Princess: You got it, Tito. (she hits play on a CD player and it plays salsa, everyone dances but Crusher isn't amused.)

Crusher: SILENCE !

(Music stops)

Crusher: We shouldn't be celebrating just yet, though, Tito, I really appreciate your boundless enthusiasm. Now begins our time to take back what initially was ours to begin with.

Annabelle: Do you have a plan, boss ?

Crusher: (with some hubris and, an air of arrogance and assurance) Of course I do.

(They huddle around him and begin their scheme to overthrow humanity.)

Mycroft: (narrating) It was only the beginning of our talents the helmets provided for us. We began small with adoptions from the humane society. No human can ever turn down something vulnerable, cute and adorable, especially when it has doe eyes. Our preciousness had become an integral asset in this war, but things were about to become ugly very quickly.

(As Mycroft narrates, we witness the gory uprising of the canines. Human beings start to become subject to dogs, and cats become slaves. Other animals take second fiddle to their canine dictators. Scene fade.)

Scene 3—Top of the Heap

(In the next 1,000 years, there has been a power shift)

Fifi: Louis ! Blanche ! Jose ! Charlotte !

Pups: Yes, mama !

Fifi: I made your lunches. School bus will be here any moment.

Tito: (kissing her) To think we gave birth to them only months ago and now they're attending school. Oh, I have to go too.

Fifi: (tosses him a lunch, and he catches it, still much like a dog, she laughs heartily)

Tito: Sorry, corazon. Old habits die hard.

Fifi: I'll tidy up but I have to be heading to work myself. (they kiss each other goodbye and head off in their own directions.)

(Each of the dogs has their own job and they have been able to extend their lives far beyond their normal expectancy. We see Crusher, overlooking the fruits of his labor, and younger dogs playing in their utopia.)

Crusher: (narrating) We were are own masters now. Other animals live in harmony with us but humans are no more. The last human died out thousands of years ago. Granted I do miss their company but they were a belligerent, bellicose race. They're only a footnote in our illustrious history. Thankfully, their contributions to our way of life will never be forgotten. Still it makes me wonder if somewhere in this vast universe exists a planet of peaceful humans and their furry companions ? I suppose we will answer that question someday. For now, it remains a question that our scientists and their pups will someday answer themselves.

(The End appears on the screen. Bloopers are presented, credits roll and some trivia is presented. The dance scene used in this film was taken from a popular Disney movie based off a novel written by Charles Dickens. What was the name of the book and what was the title of the movie ? A: A Tale of Two Cities/movie of same title B. Oliver Twist/Oliver and Company C. David Copperfield/same movie tile D. Great Expectations/Same movie title If you answered B, then give yourself a big pat on the back ! You're a trivial master. The inspiration for this comes not only from Oliver and Company but also from ancient history, current history, our plight as human beings, an episode of Family Guy {the dog ruled planet in the 'multiverse' episode of course, one of my absolute favorites}, various gangster films I grew up with and the renewed version of Planet of the Apes. The tale is a collaboration between TTR and myself. It is his baby as much as it is mine and I wouldn't have written it had it not been for his constant support and contributions of unparalleled creativity. His mind is a true wonderland of spontaneity. Thank you my love, and to all who buoyed me, supported me and gave me unconditional love, I cannot thank you enough. You have my gratitude and my friendship. I love you all !)