Today Has Been Difficult

 This is not a pity party post.   I am only writing it because honestly, I don't think anyone really understands what I am going through and it feels as though I only have God to hold my hand at times.  there are moments I question Him.  I know it isn't His fault all this happened.   Evil is most definitely alive and thriving and oftentimes it can find refuge in anger, depression and self-doubt.   That's only HALF the battle.  

     Last week, Monday, I wrestled with feelings of suicide.   I had ideations.    I wanted to simply lie down and not exist, whatsoever.    I have prayed that God would simply take me Home at times.   The problem is, I'm perfectly healthy.    I have animals that need me and a roommate that would fall apart if I weren't here.    It may sound egotistical, but it is true.     

    It isn't the life I envisioned when I was little.   When I was young, I always thought I would be married in my twenties.  Then my thirties came along and I was caring for my dad.   My mom had already died of uterine cancer, and it is the type of excruciating, punishing death that no one, not even one's sworn enemy should endure.    I admit I said things to my mom in anger I wish I could take back.    No matter what I did, it was never good enough for that woman, but honestly, I forgive her.   She was upset and broken the moment I came into the world.   She loved me on the surface but didn't know what to do with me and that wasn't because of me but because of my half-brothers and uncle dying before I was even brought into the world.    Dad was no better.   Again, he was another person I could do nothing for in order of placation.   It seemed like the more I tried, the more I failed.   I just wanted to be loved for who I was, supported.   I didn't even receive that.  I did at a distance but not enough to make me feel like my decisions for my trajectory were worthwhile.    So, I decided to do what they wanted, which was get a job in something that would pay my bills and help me survive. 

    I have survived most of my life doing what my parents wanted.   Now that they're gone, I was still doing what I thought would serve me, being customer service, warehouse work, all under the corporate label.   I got punted twice from corporate jobs, and being considerate, I will not mention what enterprises they are because I believe in kindness, dignity, fairness and not revenge.    The best vendetta I feel is prayer and gentility, because the enemy never sees it coming.     

    Anyway, not to wax poetic or be too lachrymal, but I have been rejected quite a few times recently looking for work, whether in a retail setting or warehouse environment.   I have been searching in remote work, finding jobs that don't match my skill or ones that I'm overqualified for.   It's a bit daunting and quite draining, especially when you're the responsible one in the household.    I pray every night I can find a soulmate, as silly as it sounds.   All I have is God getting me through this and not to be petty, needy or greedy, but it isn't enough.   I need HELP.   I cannot do this alone.   Whether I find it through my red thread or through friends (they don't even have to be friends, honestly) I know I am incapable.   I've tried not admitting to it, but it's time I faced facts.   No amount of academia is going to be adequate.    It may be frightening, but I have done everything I can and all I can do now is simply pray and have hope that things will improve, but today, honestly.   Today fucking sucks.