Always the Goomar, Never the Bride

Synopsis:   Down on her luck, Shirley Connor meets a very captivating man, Vittorio Rossi, a mob boss.   He ‘marries’ her as a goomar, but then she meets his real wife, Ekaterina.    Hilarity ensues.  

~*~CAST~*~

Shirley Connor:

Daisy Connor: (her mother)

Duke Connor: (her dad)  

Dirk Connor: (her elder brother)

Mona Selinofoto: (her best friend and conspirator)

Vittorio Rossi:  (the Capo)

Frankie Rossi: (his brother)

Carmichael ‘Bullet’ Rossi: (his youngest brother)

Ekaterina Rossi: (his wife)  

Dahlia Rossi: (his eldest daughter)

Lily Rossi: (middle daughter)

Bertolino ‘Lino’ Rossi: (the youngest son)

Vittorio Junior: (the baby, soon to be born) 

Various Police and RICO agents:  

FBI Agents:

CIA Agents: 

Fernando Mariano: 

Vitaly Marino: (his brother, Consigliore) 

Lou ‘Brass Tacks’ Bridges:

Gino ‘Malatov’ Ignatius: 

Alan ‘Jagged’ Yaeger:  

  

Scene 1—Vittorio Courts His Goomar 

Shirley:   (over the phone)  Of course, mom.  I’ll be home tonight.   I don’t want to miss your anniversary !   I would never !   Ok, ok (inhales and exhales) ok !   Of course, 6:00 pm sharp !   

Vittorio:  (as he rolls into town, Nyctophilia ‘Street Flava’ plays on his radio and he lowers his shades the moment he sees Shirley)  Who…is…THAT ?   

Frankie:  Vittorio, no.   No !  I’m telling you NO !   

Vittorio:   Frankie.  (pats his face gently but then a bit hard)  Who’s your Capo ? 

Frankie:   (unamused, begrudgingly)  You, big bro.   You’re always goin’ on these wild escapades lookin’ for a goomar.   

Vittorio:   Ekaterina said it was fine.   She understands my needs and she acknowledged I need a Goomar in my life.   Besides, having two fillies to take care of the kiddos sounds ideal.  

Frankie:  What if they don’t get along ?  

Vittorio:   Kat and I don’t always get along, Frank.   We have passion and a drop dead gorgeous family.   

Frankie:  Rethink this, please.   Listen to your logic, not your loins. 

Vittorio:   I’m listenin’ to both, sweet brother.  (pats his face, then he walks up to Shirley and offers her help) I noticed your hands were full.   Do you need some assistance ? 

Shirley:  Oh, well that would be nice !  Thank you !  

Vittorio:  I don’t mean to come across as a creeper or anythin’, but I was noticing you in the farmer’s market and MADON…

Shirley:  (laughs) Me ?   You’re not suffering dehydration are you ? 

Vittorio:  No !  (puts her hand on his heart) Feel that ?   That’s genuine !  This is real.   I would be out of my freakin’ mind not to ask you out.  

Shirley:   (chuckling)  My, that’s quite bold.   I’m Shirley Connor.   Who are you ?   

Vittorio:  (kisses her hand gently)  Vittorio. Vittorio Rossi.   That gawker in the caddy is my younger bro and associate.    Come on, I’ll take you wherever.   He won’t be watchin’, don’t you worry.   

Shirley:  So this is a date !  (blushing darkly)

Vittorio:  Yes, it is, Shirley.   I like you.   The moment I saw you, my heart sang.  I hope that isn’t too much too soon. 

Shirley:  No, not at all (squeezes his hand gently) I like an honest man.  

Vittorio:  And you’ll get nothing but that from me, babe.  

(They go to places she only dreamt of going and he ends the date at a drive in where he steals a kiss from her.)  

Shirley:  (looks at her watch)  Oh, CRAP !   I’m late !   

Vittorio:  I’ll get you where you need to be.   Don’t worry, you’ll get wherever you need to be in plenty of time.   

Shirley:  I sure hope so, I’m never non-punctual !  

(He takes her to her parents’ house where they linger a bit at the front door.  She looks deeply into his eyes and leans in to kiss him passionately.) 

Shirley:  That was the most fun I have had in years, Torio. 

Vittorio:  Ooh, keep callin’ me that and I might not be able to control myself, Tesoro.  

Shirley:  (winks)  I’ll keep that in mind.   I’ll be dreaming of you.  (blows him a kiss) 

(She walks in, explains herself and they see the Cadillac being driven away by a man wearing very swank clothing along with his equally well-dressed younger brother.) 

Duke:   You could’ve told us you were on a date !  

Daisy:  It’s so unlike you !  

Shirley:  I know, mom, I know dad !   (exhales sharply)   He sorta came out of nowhere and asked me out !    I wasn’t expecting it. 

Dirk:  He seems nice enough, Shirl.    Well, we don’t have any time to waste.   (unveils bignets for everyone)  I brought my own home cooked bignets !   I know you both adore them !  

Duke:  How thoughtful, Dirk !   Thank you !

Dirk:  Happy anniversary !    

Shirley:  I brought mom’s favorite piece of jewelry.   I got a turquoise set and this stunning silk scarf that will go with just about everything. 

Daisy:  (Getting teary-eyed)  What did I do to deserve such marvelous babies  !  Oooh !  Come ‘ere !  

(They all gather together for a big family hug.)  

Scene 2—Dancin’ in the Moonlight 

(‘A Few Months Later’ appears before the next scene opens up in the Boss’s home.)  

Carmichael:   So, yeah, we’ve all met this dame.   We all love her.   

Dahlia:  She’s perfectly fine with us.   And damn if Daisy doesn’t make the best lemon cookies I’ve ever eaten !   No offense mom. 

Ekaterina:  None taken, Dahlia.   

Bertolino:  She doesn’t know about mom, though.   She thinks you two are splitsville.  

Vittorio:  (with some hesitation) So maybe I haven’t been completely honest with Shirley. 

Lily:  She’s going to figure it out sooner or later, papa.  

Vittorio:  Can’t it wait until after the ceremony ?   

Frank:   Yes, but do you really want to pull her into your realm ?  She’s never going to be able to get out once she’s in. 

Vittorio:  I don’t think she’d want to.  Shirley is a rare type of gem.   She’s true blue and honor bound.   I’m just a scallywag tempest tossed by those blonde locks of hers  !  

Ekaterina:  You sentimental fool.   I already like Shirley myself.   If she’s going to be a Rossi, I’ll teach her how to be one.   

Vittorio:  This is one date I go on alone.  

Bertolino:  But if you need back up, you know who to call.  

Vittorio:  (hard slap on his back and giving Frank a hefty handshake)  

Carmichael: Go get ‘em, Boss.   

(There’s a quick transition to Vittorio picking Shirley up.  It is their 6 month anniversary and Vittorio has taken Shirley to a park that is decorated with Christmas lights year round.   It’s called ‘Enchanted Park’ for that very reason.)  

Shirley:  Did you know that my friend Mona is responsible for this glorious park ? 

Vittorio:  No.  But, I do think that’s wonderful !  

Shirley:  (chuckles)  Had it not been for her, I would’ve been cooped up inside my home, teaching macrame classes on Zoom.   

Vittorio:  She got you out of your comfort zone. 

Shirley:  Yeah, Mona has a way of giving people a gentle nudge and helping one see their hidden talents.   She has a booth at the farmer’s market.  

Vittorio:  So, that’s the friend with the incredible Mexican wedding cakes and little treats.   You must learn that recipe.  

Shirley:  (leans against his side)  This is so romantic.   

Vittorio:  Happy 6th month anniversary, Tesoro.  (pauses)  Now I have a surprise for you.  

Shirley:  (is eager to see what Vittorio has in mind, watching his sleight of hand) 

Vittorio: ( pulls out a velvet box, holds her hands and gathers them close to his cheek, tenderly)   Would you make the happiest man alive and become my goomar ? 

Shirley:   Yes !   Absolutely !   Without a doubt, my love !   

Scene 3—What Did I Get Myself Into ?  

(A few months later appears on the screen.   Shirley has gotten used to her new ‘family’ life as well as her role of goomar.    She fits in extremely well, but still cannot believe what she got herself into.)  

Shirley:  (shocked)   You didn’t tell me you were (whispers) M.A.F.I.A..   

Vittorio:  (Slyly, stroking her newly pregnant belly)  I was getting around to it.  

Shirley:  (A little hot-headed) You said no secrets, Torio… 

Vittorio:  Oh, MADON…When you say my name like that, I can’t help myself anymore.  

(he holds her close and begins to kiss her very passionately)  

Lily:  So, we’re going to have a new little one here fairly soon.   

Shirley:  (blushing) I didn’t mean to get pregnant.   It wasn’t planned !   Kat, please, forgive me. 

Ekaterina:  (laughing)  Shirley, doll.   You’re my equal.   He loves us both.  He spoils us both.  I’m not jealous.   (patting her tummy) I’m glad you’re having this one, though.   He looks like a hefty one !   

Dahlia:  Ma, how do you know it’s gonna be a boy ?  

Ekaterina:  Easy.   Look how close he is to mama.   She’s getting pretty hefty.   A sure sign of a boy if ever I saw one.  

Lino:   I remember you said that about me, mama.   

Kat:   (kissing Bert)  Yes, little one.   I did.   You were the biggest baby, but the easiest delivery.    

Shirley:  (holding her head)  I’m still not used to this.  Not one bit.  

Vittorio:  Shirl, my girl.   (kisses her neck and nuzzling her while moaning softly for a second, making her melt)  (in Italian)  No worries, darling.   (In English)  Your family is fine with it.   They think you’re married to a tycoon.    

Shirley:  I guess I was all sorts of worried over nothing.   

Frankie:  You overthink, Shirley.   (looks over her shoulder)  Is that lasagna… Ohhh, that smell.   I cannot wait ! 

Shirley:  It only needs to be cooked and dinner will be served.   

(A very delightful scene is viewed here of the family partaking in a massive family dinner while a jazzed up version of ‘Funiculi, Funicula’ plays in the background.)   

Scene 4—No One Kidnaps Our Second Mother !   

(The next day appears on the screen.   A rather pregnant Shirley is shopping for groceries until the ‘Swordfish Gang’ attack her.   She tries to attack, but to no avail.   She dials Vittorio, but instead he hears the voice of his worst nemesis.) 

Fernando:   How soon we forget, Vittorio.  

Vittorio:  (quickly becoming insensed)  If you do ANYTHING to my Tesoro… 

Fernando: (evil chuckle)  Oh, come now.  You think I’m gonna rape your little side piece ?   Now that would just be horrendous.    Please, Vittorio.   I am a human being.   Not some sort of animal.   

Vittorio:   What do I even owe you ?   

Fernando:   A little extra snow under the table, plus the fin you owe for that game of pool I whipped your sorry ass in.    

Vittorio:  Oh ?  That it ?   You wouldn’t be taking my heart away if it was that simple.  

Vitaly:  Quite the sharp one.   No, what my brother is asking is territory.   You can keep the snow, keep the fiver.   Just a little turf.   You won’t know we’re there.   

Brass Tacks:   We’ll be shadows.   

Vittorio:   You could’ve just asked, Fernando.   You know you and your Swordfish are dundering fools.  

Gino:  (points outside of his van)  Boss !  

Fernando:  Not now, Gino !   

Gino:   Look out your window ! 

(Fernando has a look of ‘what the hell’ in his eyes as he sees Vittorio and his family coming in to save Shirley with only a small amount of violence.   A remix of Starship as sung by Niki Minaj plays in the background as this all goes down extremely fast. )

Alan:  We did not plan accordingly.   

Fernando:  Oh, shut the fuck up, Jagged.    (growls at Vittorio)  Outmatched, outgunned, outsmarted.  

Vittorio:   Just take the ‘L’ like a man, ‘Nando.   We can call this a day.   My place, my territory, my rules.    Since I’m merciful, I’ll let you go.   But don’t think twice that someone in my family hasn’t called RICO to make sure you keep to your own pastures.   

Fernando:  (swearing)  Fuck.   

(The Family leaves in a rush as Fernando and his Swordfish are swiftly subdued.   The Family takes an alleyway escape as RICO finds their hands full in apprehending them.)   

Shirley:  (getting gathered in by the family)   

Lino:  Were you hurt ? 

Dahlia:  Was my baby brother hurt ?

Shirley:  No, and (laughs) oddly I wasn’t afraid.   Heck, I’m much more afraid of my grandma Gertrude’s tirades than that silly sod.   

Lily:  Yeah, Gertrude’s all kind of nuts.    

Vittorio:   Well, since we’re heading to my favorite Italian joint and I’m a bit jazzed and don’t feel like cookin’, what say we head to Guiseppes ?  

(There’s a cheer of approval from everyone.  A skip in time is shown and VJ is being bounced on his mother’s lap.  Everyone is fawning over the little one and Vittorio kisses her cheek while holding her close from behind her.)  

Scene 5—We’ve Got Your Back 

Shirley:  (narrating)   It may seem like a rather violent world in which to rear a child, but I came into it willingly, just like Junior has.   There might be a time where it comes all to an end, so I live each day as I would live my last.   I was never ‘second’ place.   Both Kat and I were always on equal footing and I was always seen as another mother to children who weren’t initially mine, but I loved them all the same.   I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know I am surrounded by love, laughter, excellent food.   I have all I ever need, and I want for nothing more.   

(We see the Rossi family savoring Christmas, even the squirrely Granny Getrude.   They are dancing, laughing and having a lovely time.    An updated version of ‘Put a Little Love in Your Heart’ plays in the background.   We are treated to outtakes, bloopers, and deleted scene.   I couldn’t have come to this juncture had I not had proper support.   True glory goes to God my Creator.   Thank you for letting me write this ‘happily ever after’ in a mafia tale, which is rare.)