Kingdom of Kevin

Synopsis:  Kevin Odenkirk has been a ‘nice guy’ his entire life but it has gotten him nothing but grief.   He always considered himself ‘well liked’ and someone who had a ton of friends but in actuality he only has four very close ‘bosom buds’ who would do anything for him and have his back when the chips were down.   He’s got no girlfriend, but there is a hot ginger named Danielle that he has been mooning over since high school but never had the guts to ask her out, but he gets the help Marco Spinarelli ‘Spinner’ to help him in his quest.  

‘Who are we really ?’--Allison

‘Yeah, that’s the existential question, isn’t it ?’--Cosmia to Alison, Orphan Black: Beneath Her Heart

‘Behold, I don’t not give lectures or a little clarity.  When I give, I give myself.’--Walt Whitman

'If we humans are nothing else, we are an inquisitive and restless species, explorers at heart.'--Chasing New Horizons: Inside the Epic First Mission to Pluto

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”--Goethe

“There are no risks in Love as you’ll find out for yourself.  People have been searching for each other for thousands of years.”--Magus, Brida

‘When you’re in love, you put your big boy pants on !’’--Lyrics from ‘Put on Your Pants’ from Be More Chill, sung by Jeremy’s dad and Michael

‘If you were happy all the time you wouldn’t be human, you’d be a gameshow host.’--Veronica, Heathers   

~*~CAST~*~

Kevin Odenkirk:  

Allison Odenkirk: (his mom)

Wittenberg ‘Wit’ Odenkirk: his dad)

Marco ‘Spinner’ Spinarelli: (Kevin’s best friend)

Jack Hendricks: (Kevin’s second best friend)

David Levine: (Kevin’s third best friend)  

Ken Matsumura: (Kevin’s fourth best friend)

Edward ‘Ed’ Baines: (Kevin’s fifth best friend)

Danielle Ainsley:

Tricia Ainsley: (her mom)

Elijah ‘Eli’ Ainsley: (her dad)  

Kira Valdez: (Danni’s best friend)

Sharita ‘Rita’ Dawson: (Danni’s second best friend)

Scene 1--It’s So Great Being Me !

(This opening sequence is similar to the awakening scene in Oliver & Company when Georgette rises from her bed, but instead of being haggard in appearance, our titular character is absolutely gorgeous in every way, even though he has bed head, he quickly makes that vanish in split seconds.)   

Kevin:  (looking at himself in the mirror)  Oh, damn, it’s fantastic being me. My campaign for SIPping, or Self Induced Pleasure has gotten me millions.   There’s a theme park in my backyard paved and paid for by my supporters. Oh, no, it’s not for me alone but for others to thrive off my wealth… (sings Just Another Day of Being Me)

Wit:  Someone’s awfully cheery this morning.   

Kevin:  That I am.   Hard not to be when I’ve got everything I could possibly want.

Alison:  Going to another SIP seminar, love ?

Kevin:  Yeah, but I will be hanging out with the guys later.  I may not come home until an unearthly hour.

Wit:  Who are we to stop you ?  We’re just the dog sitters.  

Alison:  We don’t mind.  All our needs are met here.   You’re the best son ever !

(She hugs and kisses him)  

Kevin:  Mom, stop !   If the guys were here they’d taunt me to no end.

Alison:  You’re still my baby, Kev.  You always will be.

Kevin:  I know, I wouldn’t want it any other way.  (fast forward to time with his friends, we hear Kingdom of Kevin playing in the background and even see Kev and his friends having ‘fun’ but it seems that Kevin’s bliss is deflated.)  

Marco:  Hey, Kev !   (notices Kevin’s dejected pose, basically looking and feeling schlumpy)  

Jack:  What’s wrong, dude ?

Kevin:  I don’t know, guys.  I just feel (exhales sharply) lost.   Stuck in neutral. Listless.

Ken:  How can you say that, Kev ?   I mean, look at your life.   

Kevin:  That’s just it, Ken.   Every day I go to Planet Fitness, and there she is...Danielle Ainsley.

David:  You’ve had a crush on her since grade school.   Talk about deep love !

Ed:  You could never ask her out, even then.   

Kevin:  (a bit irritated)  Ed, you’re not helping !   For all I know Danni might have a boyfriend.   

Jack:  You’ll never know until you ask her.   

Ken:  So, you’ve got her in your phone as one of your contacts.   

Ed:  What are you waitin’ for, man ?

Kevin:  (inhales and exhales deeply, gets ready to dial and stops)  I...can’t. I’m afraid.

David:   (raises eyebrow)  Why ? Is it because of your rep ?   (rolls eyes) Come on, that’s so STUPID !   I was afraid when I met Lana, but now we have two little boys of our own.   We’ve never wanted for more.

Kevin:  I have an empire that I’ve built with my own two hands.   I have focused all my time and energy on maintaining it.

Jack:  (puts arm around him)  But not on yourself or your heart.   Your heart is wailing, dude. It needs love.   Who cares if the SIP empire will dip or worse.  You’ve got plenty of money and you invest wisely.    

Ed:  Don’t forget Braunheim, your butler.   Guy knows his stuff when it comes to legal matters.   He can get you out of a pinch, no time flat.

Kevin:  He puts the ‘brawn’ in Braunheim.   (laughs) Good old Lars !

Marco:  That’s the spirit !

Kevin:  (takes a deep breath, dials her number.  Split screen pops up.)

Danni:   Hi. This is Danni Ainsley speaking.  Who’s this ?

Kevin:  It’s Kevin.   Kevin Odenkirk !

Danni:  From Thorpe High ?  I remember you ! What’s up !  

Kevin:  Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the local coffee shop for a bite someday ?

Danni:  Absolutely !   I miss going to Daily Brew.   They have the best smoothies there.    

Kevin: (gives his friends a thumbs up and they cheer as quietly as they can)

Danni: Are the rest of the guys there with you ?

Kevin:  That must be all the traffic, it’s rush hour.   I’ll chat with you tomorrow at the Daily Brew !

Danni:  What time ?

Kevin:  How’s 8:00 am sound ?  

Danni:  (tittering)  Perfect, absotively, posolutely.

Kevin:  See you then, sweetness.  (hangs up)

(They all high five, celebratory ‘victory’ music from FFVI plays, but then reality dawns on him.)

Kevin:  Oh, crap.  

Dave:  What’s up ?  

Jack:  Yeah, what’s with the wilting ego all of a sudden ?  That’s not like you, man !

Kevin:  Put yourself in my shoes for a moment, Jack.   Danni is the most beautiful woman in the world.  I haven’t been on the dating scene since, well, FOREVER.  I have no idea what to do.

Marco:  (clasps his hand upon his shoulder)  Dude, ne’er worry, and don’t you dare fret.    I’ve got an answer that will help you yet ! (yanks an earbud out of his pocket)  Back in the day, I used to fiddle around with audio products to see what made them tick and I made my own ‘bug’.  Wear this tomorrow to Daily Brew, and you won’t be steered wrong.

Kevin:  Thank you, I owe you one.  

(Scene fade)

Scene 2--Near Disaster

Kevin:  (singing ‘I’ve Got the World on a String’)   Ah, yeah. Lookin’ good, lookin’ suave.

Marco:  (over the earbud)  Don’t be too cocky now, ok ?   Have some humility. Hey, are those roses ?  

Kevin:   Yeah. (pause)  Wait a minute, how can you see me ?  

Ed: We’re snoopin’ from across the street.   

Kevin:  Guys, that is so totally NOT cool.   (exhales) I’ll give you a free pass.  I know you’re all watching me and helping me in my time of duress.   Just remember no snooping on me in the future. My life really isn’t so exotic as you think it is.  

Lars:  (straightening Kevin’s bowtie)  Talking to yourself again, Master Kevin ?   

Kevin:  (nervously)  Y-yeah. That’s it.  I must be feeling a little nervous is all.

Lars:   (pats him on the back a bit too hard, almost enough to knock him over)  Don’t worry your pretty little head. You’re going to be fine ! Just be yourself.   

Kevin:  Thanks for the advice.  

Lars:  That’s what I’m here for.   See you around, I’m off to do some spring cleaning.  (whistles ‘Whistle While You Work’ while he does)

(scene shift)   

Kevin: (rings Danni’s doorbell)   

Danni:  Kevin ! So good to see you again.  It’s been too long. Are these for me ?

Kevin:  Yes, but they don’t compare to your resplendence.  

Danni:  (chuckles)  You’re too thoughtful.   (she goes to put them into a vase, places it under the faucet to water them and he holds his arm out to take it)  

Marco:   Yes, yes.  That’s the way.   Gallant and chivalrous.   Women love that. We’re supposed to be their protectors.   

Kevin: (opens the passenger door for her)  

Danni:  And I thought chivalry was dead !    Thank you.

Kevin:  Babe, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.   

(At the coffee shop)   

Kevin:  (pulls out a chair for her to sit in)  

Marco:  So far, so good, keep it up, keep it up.   

Ed:  What is he doing though ?  Is he scratching his ear ? No !  Don’t do that !

Kevin:  (accidentally loses his microphone)  

David:  Oh, damn.  We are sunk.   Literally. Sunk.  

Ken:  Wait, no….Look !

Marco:  He’s using the famous ‘Marco Closer !’  Yes ! That’s my boy ! THAT’S MY FREAKIN’ BOY !  

Kevin:  So, when can I see you again ?   

Danni:  How about at the drive in ?  I’ve been wanting to see Life of the Party but they’re also showing Be More Chill.  

Kevin:  Both of those sound tremendous.   I have heard great things about both that Mother’s Day comedy and the incredible off Broadway musical.

Danni:  The fact that you know it’s off Broadway is very impressive.   

Kevin:  (takes her hand and sings some strains from ‘I Could Have Danced All Night’)

Danni:  (blushing)  You really know your stuff.  I’m impressed.

(They walk back to his car, arm in arm, laughing all the way.  He takes her home and returns to his mansion, high fiving his butler)

Lars:  I take it things went swimmingly, sir ?

Kevin:  Smoother than a dolphin’s back !  

Lars:   Magnificent.   I am happy to hear that.   

Kevin:   I think the guys have taught me all I need to know.  I can just be myself from here on out.

Lars:  Sounds like you are finally listening to your own advice.   I knew you had it in you, sir.

Kevin:  Was there ever any doubt ?   

(Scene fade)  

Scene 3--Kevin Gets Lucky

Kevin:  (getting dressed in his best duds)  

Lars:  You’re not giving a SIP speech today are you ?  

Kevin:  No, I’ve been doing that all week.   

Allison:  Where are you off to so late ?   

Kevin:  If I told you, you would blush redder than my Ferrari.  

Wit:  Do be careful, son.  Wear a condom.

Kevin:  (annoyed)  DAD !

(Picks up Danni and they go dancing.  ‘Slide Next To Me’ is played by a live band and the two get close, really quickly.)  

Danni:  Do you want to go to a hotel ?  

Kevin:  (voice gets squeaky and high pitched)  Really ? Right now ? (clears throat) I mean, really ?  

Danni:  (laughs)  I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.   I’ve never been with a man before.

Kevin: (more nervous laughter but then becomes suave)  Nor have I. (he laughs) I simply don’t swing that way.

Danni:  (laughing hysterically)  That’s good to know. (Kevin unexpectedly picks her up and hoists her to the car)   My goodness ! I thought the threshold was supposed to wait !

Kevin:  Woman, I got a fever and the only cure is you.  

Danni:  (laughing)  You are so romantic.   (He drives her to the hotel why ‘Mine’ plays as they find a room to themselves and they start kissing quite passionately.   ‘This Is My First Time’ is sung by them both as we see their shadows ‘mingling’. It lasts for quite some time and they settle together in each other’s arms)  That was unreal.

Kevin:  You’re tellin’ me.  You are incredible.

Danni:  (holding onto him)  Have you ever thought of having someone in your life ?

Kevin: (thinking to himself)  I can’t believe this is actually happening.   (to her) No, but I have wanted a partner.

Danni:  Consider me bold but I want to ask you if you would like to partner with me ?

Kevin:  I have been waiting for so long...You know my answer is yes.  

Danni:   I know it’s taken us a while to get to this point.   

Kevin:  (strokes her arm)  I feel like I made you wait too long.

Danni:   Patience is a virtue.  I didn’t want to distract you.

Kevin:  Distract ?  No you are my muse,  Danni, dear. You’re the reason I started SIP.  I didn’t know until it dawned on me...You were right there all along.  

Danni:   Funny how love is like that.  

Kevin:  (narrating)  Funny indeed.   From that moment on, whenever she could, Danni appeared in my seminars and we began helping people repair relationships of all kinds.   We found ourselves making TED talks, which were unexpected, enlightening and enjoyable. I was asked to create a children’s show, too.  I never knew I myself would be marrying the woman of my dreams, having my own kids and shouldering an empire. Granted, KJ and Kendra took up a LOT of my time as a dad but Danni helped.   When we weren’t on set we were bonding with the babies at home. Someday, we’ll tell them the story of how we met but seeing them at this state makes us want to keep them as babies forever.   Sadly, they can’t be. KJ and Kendra grow larger and more curious every day. They certainly keep us on our toes. They’ve transformed our self-induced pleasure to fraternal-induced pleasure, which is by far, the better type.   Neither one of us would want it to be any different.

(‘I Like You The Way You Are” redone as sung by Fred McFeely Rogers is played/sung as a cover over a montage of current events in Kevin’s full and meaningful life   I dedicate this to all who have been my by side through thick, thin, good and bad. I owe you, and someday hope to transform the world to make it a little better if I can.  A small ripple can affect a lot !)